My wife started a EA with a co-worker about 4 months ago. Don't think it has gone PA. They speak 2-4 times a day on phone. She claims he is just a very good friend, but where she works is 24 hour shifts and sometimes they work the same nights. So far she is still in the house, although she has located an temporary apartment (in his town!) which she may move into so she'll have "time to think".<P>We have 3 kids, and if she moved out I would have them 2 nights, and her 1 (due to the 24 hr shifts).<P>Recovery begins by severing contact with the OM, right? But if this truly is an EA, and she stays in the house, should I push for her cutting out the phone calls... and/or changing jobs to break the emotional relationship? Or should I let them talk all day and hope that it ends sometime?<P>Survivin

I can't stay long here, because I am at work, but I think it would be a good idea to ask her to break ties if she wants to work on saving the marriage. She can't be in that emotional warfare, and try to think clearly. I would asked my H. (And I did) to give it up (EA) and he didn't for about a month. I decided to go ahead with my life as a single person, and not include him unless it involved our children. After one month, H. gave up the EA with the OW and now we are working on Plan A still. H refuses to honor my belief in God, and tells me daily I am a fool for believing in GOD. So H. coming to MB is not going to happen. Take care, and I will try to email again soon. gn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Survivin:<BR><B> should I push for her cutting out the phone calls... and/or changing jobs to break the emotional relationship? Or should I let them talk all day and hope that it ends sometime?<P>Survivin</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Survivin,<P>I truly believe that the choices our S make would have to come from them and regardless of how much we try to make them stop, the decision is up to them. I think by letting her know how you feel when she talks to him on the phone, would help her realize your concerns. Hopefully she will also understand the importance of her stopping the calls and the contact (extracurricular contact). I think the more we push them to do something, the further away they go. Certainly voicing our feelings in a manner that would help them understand why we are hurt, would definitely help in the resolution process. It's not easy, I've been through this over and over again and I just keep trying to save my M as much as I can. You must stay strong through the tough times. Let her know how you feel without anger. Are you on Plan A? If you are, let her know about the importance of not having contact with the OM. If not, maybe you can make the suggestion to her.<P>I hope it goes well.<P>--BJ<P>

Survivin,<BR>I agree with 2Bornot2B, you can't force your W to stop talking to the OM. She has to make that decision on her own. I tried that before and my W just got angrier with me, especially if your W thought that talking to the OM is just for friendship. Eventually, they will get bored with each other because they might ended up not to agree with each other on certain subject that they were talking about. But if you know how to convince her the calm way to make her understand that continue talking to the OM would make it hard for both of you to try to work on your marriage, then do it. And if you could let her know that continue talking to the OM on the phone would still hurt you. <P>Good luck<P>OOOO<p>[This message has been edited by OffOnOnOff (edited November 27, 2000).]

Survivin,<BR>I also agree with 2B. I know it is very difficult not to get angry but Plan A is your best alternative. I’ll third what has been said, you can’t push her do anything, any attempt will only push her to the OM. She will have to come out of the fog herself. All you can do is plan A, meet every and any need she will let you meet. It will take some time to make her believe this is for the long run and not just to get her to terminate the relationship. This means you have to willing to commit to that also. Have you discussed with her what this relationship gives her that you have not? How long have you been at this? and do you know the principals here at MB. I am sure Jim (NSR) will be giving you a welcome and offering some pointed topics to read. Until then check out his post titled General Welcome for all new builders<P><BR>No one has mentioned it yet but do everything in your power to keep her in the house with you. If she moves out for the proverbial “think things out” chances are he will be there with her at times and she won’t get anything sorted out, just build more confusion. If she does go, don’t panic and LB it’s not over. I know this is a difficult time, my best advice while your learning the plans is this. Do nothing to cause anger or resentment it only works against you in the long run. I’ve said it other post and will say it again, I know this stinks and it isn’t at all fair, you’re the BS and you have to be the nice one here. This is the single most important lesson that I have had to learn but it is true. You will have a chance to express and work through your anger and hurt later in the recovery stage. Come here to vent we can take it and it won’t drive us away.<P>I wish you the best in this.<P>2Bornot2B, by the way thank you for your last reply to me. As my follow up post explained things went well. A few small bumps since but still moving forward. I hope all is well in your journey, as always I will be praying for us all.<P>oswald<BR>

Hey<BR>Are some of you in my life? It sure sounds like it.<BR>See my other post: found phone number<P>I wished the contact had stopped when we moved to different state from OM due to my work. I knew in my herad it had not. Now I have proof.<P>She seems to not understand. The just frinds line is such BS. Over 18 mo in this.<P>Basicly living seperated under the same roof.<P>What would you say to me printing this and showing her.<BR>We have the his needs her needs book. Over ayear ago she told me she had no needs for me to meet.<P>Hurts like H#$%<P>Sorry to ehar and see so many other guys in the same boat.<P><BR>

Survivin - you can't split them up. Trying to is counterproductive. You got good advice above. The most important thing is to identify the things about you that you need to fix. This is what Plan A is really about. Work on yourself - not on her! This is the hard part, holding back from criticizing her and trying to educate her. You need to let go as much as you can, but always protect the kids.<P>Keep browsing this forum and identify the other guys in similar situations. Always listen to the helpful ladies who can offer the female perspective and especially the female former WSs.<P>WAT