Well, my W is going to move out this coming weekend! <BR>We have been talking and getting along, but she says she needs her space to think and figure out what she wants to do. She has a lot of hurt that she is carrying inside of her because she said I took her for granted and was thoughtless and was not there for her at times when she really needed me the most!! She said that she is going to be selfish and it is time to do what she wants to do! (An almost exact quote from our discussion last night)<P>As for the OM and the EA she had with him, he has not contacted or replyed back to her since around Nov.1! Reason: Because when I found out they were chatting on-line, he was afraid I'd tell her parents. My in-laws think that OM is a great person (OM dated W's sister years ago); in-laws don't know about emotional affair. My wife still has love for OM and I do believe OM has not contacted her. I do understand why he doesn't want me to tell W's parents 1). He would catch h..l from them and sister-inlaw, 2) My wife would be probably outcast from her family and 3) if we got divorced and W and OM got together, in-laws would not accept him. If it comes down to a divorce, her parents WILL find out about OM.<P>This weekend will not be good!! I won't stick around while she is moving things out and I refuse to help her move!<P>I can not believe that a person would get so "fed up" with their marriage that they would let their LOVE die before letting their spouse know something is terribly wrong! It also pisses me off that she knows all this crap is wrong, but her commitment to her weddings vows seem to mean nothing! But she still says she didn't take her vows lightly. As for commitment, she said that I had her commitment for all the years I was taking her for granted and that I was the one who was not committed!!<P>This is getting long!! I have to get back to work so I don't get fired or something crazy like that!! I may post later!!<P>Thanks for listening, or I should say reading I'm just hurting about all this stuff!! <P>Take care<P>

Ihurt,<BR>Kick and scream all you want here. But you know the drill, “not at her”. I’m sorry to hear about this, I know you have been working very hard to avoid this. Remember she is still in her fog. One thing I’ve come to understand is that the WS seems not to believe that we, the fighting BS’s are committed to Plan A, and changing for the rest of our lives. I think that often they feel this is something we are doing in the short term just smooth things over. Particularly if the BS is a Man, lets face it we have a history of smoothing things over and changing nothing. All we can do is keep on trying until it sinks in or it’s over. As you’ve told me try not to lose site of why you are fighting so hard.<P>I know you’re pissed and rightfully so but reconsider not being around this weekend. It may prove to be a perfect opportunity to show her you are genuinely concerned for her happiness. If you help her move, tell her you’re not in favor of it, but will do what is necessary for her happiness. It can only help your situation and you are the one in control of that.<BR>

Thanks for your reply Oswald! I can't help her move because it hurts too much and if I help her move, I feel that I am condoning it or that it is OK. I also talked to Steve Harley about if/when she moves and he advised me not to help her move.<P>I also look at the situation this way, by not helping her move, she is getting her space and taking on a responsiblitity (doing something on her own). She has told me that she felt like she had no responsiblities in our marriage because I did all the responible things, i.e. payed bills, took care of the cars when repairs are needed, etc.<P>I look at these things like paying bills as being petty, but it meant a lot to her.<P>In some ways I would like to help her move, but it goes against my belief that she should stay and work on our marriage. Working on our marruage is something she is not ready to do! <P>Lose track of why I LOVE her, at this point in time, NEVER!!! I LOVE HER BEYOND ALL BELIEF!!!<P>But I still hurt really bad inside. My wound is deep and open, and I feel it can't be healed until she gives me her LOVE to sew it shut!!

Voice of experience here...<P>...don't help her move out!<BR>...don't even be there when sh does!<P>I was there...<BR>...the more you love your spouse...<BR>......the harder it is!!!!<P>...and the greater the chance of some major LB-ing...<BR>...my LB (when she moved out) was the second worst LB I had with my W... (it was pre-MB for me... if only I had known better)!<P>Helping her move out... is not fullfiling <B>any</B> emotional need!<P>By NOT being there... you send the message that... YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!<BR>...and that it is <B>her</B> decision...<BR>...and will be when(if) she comes back.<P> <P>Jim

OK then, I stand VERY corrected, If both Steve and Jim say don’t be there then by all means don’t. But then you already know I’m no expert here just a non-voluntary apprentice . Maybe sometimes I get carried away with the being nice at all costs part. It seems to be working for me. In any case good luck I feel for you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ihurt:<BR><B><BR>But I still hurt really bad inside. My wound is deep and open, and I feel it can't be healed until she gives me her LOVE to sew it shut!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So sorry this is happening. Hopefully she will use this time to really think about what she wants. By her realizing what type of life she wants to lead, it will make the harder times better. The time she will be away from you will be tough, but it's a time when you can start doing things for yourself. <BR>My H also was chatting which led to a little more, I couldn't get over that. I had and still have to somehow keep myself occupied and start doing things that I enjoy. By doing that, I am working on my own Self-Healing and not so much dwelled on my H's wrong doings. Sure it will still be there, but you know what, knowing you are your own person and that you will survive no-matter what, helps build some kind of stability in your daily life. It will help you get through the day a little easier.<P>Take Care<P>--BJ

ihurt,<BR>Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know we'll be thinking of ya this weekend. Hang in there....

ihurt - I don't know all of your story, but just wanted to add my support. My wife moved out three months ago and it was real hard at first - your feelings are all justified. Keep working on yourself and it'll get better. <P>Some things that have worked for me in my Plan A while separated: let her know that she's welcome at your house; keep snacks or wine or whatever she likes stocked up for those visits; keep the house tidy; invite her over for dinner once in a while. She has to be able to see the improvements you've made in yourself.<P>If any of this is contradicted by Harley, listen to him.<P>Good luck.<BR>WAT

I hurt,<P>Just wanted to drop you a line today. Be strong. The road is hard but the outcome is worth it. We are al;l here for you today and all weekend. Feel free to call on us. You have surely been ther for us and we will return the favor. I will be logging in periodically to check on you. <P>Keep your head up and GOD bless you.

In your pain...<P>...we are there for you!<P><B>You are loved</B>!<P> <P>Jim