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#403500 11/29/00 06:22 PM
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I need to get these feelings OUT.<BR>Today I have been doing some writing. I enjoy writing and have been making myself write all about my childhood, the abuse...just getting it all out of my system, facing it, trying to understand and deal with it.<BR>Well I got to a certain point and suddenly from nowhere I felt this sharp stab of pain in my gut and started thinking about all these "****ty" things my husband has done to me.<BR>He calls them "****ty" things.<BR>SO MANY "****ty" things and I think to myself....God.....I have allowed SO MANY people to do "****ty" things to me and then get away with it.<BR>WHY ???<BR>I still have SO much anger in me that has festered inside my head for ten years.<BR>The other night he asked to hear some of the things I had felt over the last ten years and you know, it all came tumbling out of me, like an avalanche..Remembering all the intense moments of anxiety and paranoia and insecurity and anger and pain.<BR>I had bottled them up for YEARS. Some things rose too high to the surface and I would "accuse or attack" him but most times I kept silent not telling a single soul.<BR>When he let me talk about them it was as though the flood gates opened....I was sobbing hysterically and talking so fast just listing them off to him one after the other.<BR>It shocked ME to realise how much it has eaten away at me by keeping silent.<BR>I asked him if he thought my pain over the past ten years was greater or equal to the hurts he has felt.<BR>He said in some ways he thinks he was hurting more.<BR>I want to say "BULL!" How could he POSSIBLY have hurtmore than me or even as MUCH as me?<BR>Its almost like a contest between us...Who felt the greatest despair and emotional agony.<BR>Who is the winner?<BR>Why do I feel like this?<BR>Why do I still feel that it's unfair that I did the greater amount of hurting and now have to do the greater amount of healing?<P>Things have been going SO well lately. Really positive and I have been feeling so close to him and him to me and we have shared SO MANY of our thoughts and feelings with each other.<BR>So why do I feel like I am now sabotaging things by having this sudden anger rise up out of me?<BR>I am not even sure WHERE it is coming from.<BR>Is it because I am writing about my childhood?<BR>Oh, I just want to go to sleep and not have to think or feel.<BR>

#403501 11/29/00 06:42 PM
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Oh man....how suddenly feelings can change [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>I just recieved, out of the blue, a dozen long stemmed red roses along with a box of chocolates ,scented oil and potpourri.<BR>What perfect timing.<BR>Here I was feeling all churned up and angry inside and now this gesture has seemed to make it all melt away.<P>It is hard not to love this man despite the past.

#403502 11/30/00 12:16 AM
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I hope that you understand that opening up like that is so healthy for you, but make sure he can't use it against you. Make sure that he really understands. He is so busy trying to take the focus off him. Just be careful. gn

#403503 11/30/00 02:42 AM
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Thanks Snugglermi,<BR>I DO realise , now, how important it is.<BR>I felt SO relieved after blurting it all out like that.<BR>Funny thing is I *thought* I was so open and I talked a lot to all my friends over the years but there was so much I needed to tell HIM or ANYONE, but I just thought they were negative, stupid thoughts so I kept them to myself.<BR>I can't help feeling that the flowers were because he felt guilty hearing all those things I told him....but maybe he really just did feel like doing something nice for me.<BR>Really the issues we are dealing with lie in the past, for both of us.

#403504 11/30/00 07:22 AM
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Dear Desert Rose,<P>It is cathartic when the person who hurt you listens to your pain and feel the pain almost as if it is his own.<P>You really need to seek marital counselling to address the issues of trust, communications, sexual intimacy and frequency, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, etc.. In order to rebuild a new and better marriage, the old blueprint (if ever there was one) will not work and you need to see a whole new future in a totally different light.<P>God Bless you<BR>weep<P>

#403505 11/30/00 04:25 PM
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Thanks Weep,<BR>We ARE going to councelling and it's proving to be very valuable because as good as I thought *I* was at communication really I wasn't. That in itself is another revelation for me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#403506 12/01/00 09:47 AM
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desertrose,<P>Do you get Oprah in Australia? Well, she has Dr. Phil (Relationship Rescue author) on there every week, and he has been talking about relationship poisons. <P>One of them is "keeping score". You said that you still feel it's unfair that you hurt more and have to do more to heal. That's keeping score. It's something I am extremely guilty of in both of my marriages, and boy is it ever a POISON. <P>You have said in many of your posts that both you and your husband hurt deeply for 10 years of your marriage. Does it really matter which one of you thinks they were hurt more? The issue at hand now is healing you both.<P>I think it's wonderful that he sent you those wonderful things. And yeah, he probably felt really badly hearing of how badly you hurt all those years, but I don't think it's guilt. He feels bad that the woman he loves was in so much pain for so long, and I think this is a gesture to say that he heard you and he doesn't want you to hurt like that ever again.<P>Enjoy the gifts. Enjoy you marriage. Enjoy life.


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