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Joined: Nov 2000
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Let me begin by saying that I deeply love my wife and have had an absolutely wonderful marriage for the last 3 1/2 years. My wife is beautiful, sweet and compassionate - and has done nothing that would lead to the mistakes I made.<P>About 5 months ago, I engaged in 2 acts that were totally selfish and without regard to my marriage (which I treasure more than anything in the world). The first was I had a sexual encounter (oral only) with a woman in my company. It was totally without feeling (on both our parts) but occurred none the less. The second act (even more embarassing) is that I had an "erotic massage" where a woman provided a sexual type of massage (involving sexual intercourse - prior to me stopping it).<P>The problem, asside from the obvious listed above, is that I have been experiencing the most extreme guilt and pain I have ever experienced in my life. I physcially hurt, I cant concentrate on work, and absolutely hate myself for what I have done. I feel like everything is over and that I can never feel good about myself again.<P>I have told my wife about these instances -- which has caused caused her great pain as well (adding even more to my own). My wife has been very supportive and says she will not leave me and that we will work through it. <P>I have began taking an antidepressant and am starting to see a counselor. I desperately want to heal my marriage, and begin to feel better. I still feel horrible pain and depression from this.<P>Please share any advice you may have to help me as well anything I can do to help my wife. <P>Thank you so much<BR>Matt<BR> <P>

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Hey dude. You have a fantastic wife I hope you know! Let her know I said so.<P>First of all, would you consider yourself to have any other fascinations with lust, fantasies or pornography? If so, how bad is it?

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Ok I’ll try not to flame you to death, which is my first instinct. Let me start by saying I am a BS (Betrayed Spouse) This does not mean I don’t have compassion for your pain just that it is different. Please don’t be frightened away if I seem harsh. People here will offer you some good sound advise. <P>The first thing I obviously see that you need to do is stop justifying it i.e. (with out feeling on both our parts and until I stopped it.) What you did was down right wrong and there is no justification for it, so stop trying. <P>Now that I have that said. Yes there are some things you can do to ease the pain that both you and Your W are suffering. You can make it up to your W with her help. You can do this over time with a plan. It will take a lot of work, I must give you credit you’ve taken the first steps by telling her “Honesty”, going to counseling, and seeking help.<P>Both you and your W need understand why and how these things happen. Get yourselves a copy of “Surviving an Affair” and “His Needs/Her Needs”. They are available on this site. The first book will get to the root of how and why it happens and help you start a plan for healing/rebuilding. It will even give you some insight on what part your W had in all this. The second will offer you some guidance on how to make damn sure it will never happen again and how to build a M better than either of you thought possible. Another of my personal favorite books is “Torn Assunder” by Dave Carder. It is similar to Surviving an Affair but offers a bit more insight on how your W can heal with out just burring her hurt. <P>You obviously have a strong W who loves you a great deal. Be thankful of that and be thankful to her. See this thing through.<P>There are many other books that may be of help check further down in the posts for one titled “Books” by NSR. <P>oswald<BR>

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I think you really have to ask yourself "WHY?".<BR>Why did you do those things?<BR>To feel more masculine? To feel good about yourself?<BR>Is there some deep insecurity you have about yourself.<BR>I just don't believe people do these things for absolutely NO reason.<BR>It will help your wife immensely if she can get some kind of grasp on WHY.<BR>I wish you both luck...It is a hard road you will both have to travel on for a long time until you can both resolve your feelings about what has happened.

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Matt,<P>I'm not going to rag on you, only because I believe you are having a tough time dealing with your guilt. I will encourage you to continue seeking help any way you possibly can. I think being honest with yourself is the first thing you need to do. The fact is you did those things without regard for your marriage - 'Compartmenting' (Dogbert correct me if I'm wrong). It's when you do things you know you're not supposed to, without feeling like it is bad at the time. I guess a common situation men (or maybe even women) often encounter. I think the key is to realize that for every action, there's a reaction. In your case, you thought it was exciting at the time, then when you were done, the guilt factor set in. "It's not worth it, is it!". You will get over it as long as you become aware of what you are faced against, which is your own self. <P>I suggest really thinking about how you would like your life to be with your wife. Speak to her about your desires, your feelings, your fantacies. You'll be surprised just how much more rewarding your marriage will be.<P>I'm not an expert here, just learned a lot through my own struggles.<P>I hope you and your wife work hard to get through this. Just remember, she probably needs a lot of reassurance at this time. Talk to her often, let her know how you are feeling. Give her a solid ground to stand back on. Lots of Love, Lots of Affection, Lots of respect...It will make her journey to trust you again much easier. (Not that it's easy, but it will help...) Trust me, just read all the posts that come from the betrayed on here. The struggles are hard as I am sure yours is too. <P>We're here for you and your wife...<P>--BJ<P>

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'Compartmentalizing' - It's when you feel that you can do the ual 'acting out' like having with the co-worker, or watching and train your mind into thinking that's not really 'you.' That it's just a little part of you and the 'real you' is the good husband and father.<P>Pretty close, BJ.

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MattinPa<BR> I am glad you are here, although my first thought is to let it fly I won't. I admire you for coming here and if you are willing you will learn a lot and get a lot of support. Although some words may not sound kind they are helpful.My two cents worth are be patient. Let her cry and hold her and apoligize until you can't anymore, then take a breath and apoligize again. It doesn't go away over night. Don't minimize the affects of this, IE(only oral). You broke her trust and it doesn't come back magically. Lots of hard work. Doesn't seem worth it now that you look back does it? So make sure you think before you act. Good luck and thank God for your wife, and for her choosing to stand by you thru this. <P>------------------<BR>Janie

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You know what really angers me? That is those people who 'hint' that they are restraining themselves from flaming the guy or lady who come here and bare their soul! Like you are a saint or something and are so lofty in your moral positions you can pass judgement on somebody!<P>'He that is without sin (any sin), cast the first stone!'

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Matt,<P>I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist and are getting some help. I'm also glad that you told your wife and that she is trying to be understanding and supportive. That's good.<P>I'd like to reiterate reading the information that is on the MB website and in the books. <P>I'd also like to add something to asking the question 'why?'. If you haven't yet gotten the books and are looking to explore yourself, you may want to print out and do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html</A> <P>This is something that your wife can also do and you can share with each other. <P>Good luck & hang in there,<BR>~ootf

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Matt,<P>I would suppose I'm too new at all this to really offer you any suggestions; D Day for me was only this past Oct. 12 . . . <P>Pain for me is still fresh, altho we are, from all I've read and learned at this site, in "recovery".<P>If you truly love your wife, be prepared to answer any questions she has and to answer them completely honestly--no matter if you know it will hurt her. Any lies just further compound the pain and will lessen trust between you, which is already extremely fragile.<P>My H is extremely remorseful and expresses his regret at hurting me as often as he can. He also expresses even more his commitment to our marriage and his profound love for me. He conveys this not just in his words, but in his voice, in his eyes, in his arms when he holds me as I weep.<P>I need constant reassurance right now; as I'm sure your W does, too. Despite how "strong" we are, we are in extremely fragile states and need more TLC than we ever have at any other time in our life. . . I'm surprised, sometimes, that the pain of this doesn't kill me. But, I know that it will pass because my H is working so hard to help me muddle through it all. And, because I'm working hard to muddle through it all, too. We're a team. And, I can honestly say, that I don't think we've ever been so in tune to each other, so together, so close, as we are since this happened.<P>Do small things with great love whenever an opportunity presents itself. Be tender and speak softly. Be THERE. Don't spend a night away from her, spend all your leisure time with her--even if it's just renting videos and snuggling on the couch. Talk. Listen--I mean, really listen to her with your undivided attention. Express your fears and insecurities and listen to hers. Reassure her again and again that you are committed to her, love only her, want only her. She needs to hear it and feel it in everything you say and do.<P>If she can forgive you, you must also forgive yourself so that the two of you can move on together. You will more than likely never forget this, but once you can forgive, you will be empowered to move forward in incredibly positive ways. Give each other this. You cannot alter what has been done, but you can decide right now, to be the man you want to be, to love and cherish each other with new meaning. Do it for both of you and I think you will be rewarded with more happiness and joy then either of you ever dreamed were possible.<P>My H tells me that my unwavering love and support in this, despite how deeply I've been hurt, have been helping him a great deal through this as well. It has let him know that he is a good person that made the worst and most selfish of mistakes, and that it is possible to do "right" afterwards; to never make the same mistake again. That he is worthy of being loved and cared for.<P>She is a treasure--hold on tight and never let go.<P>I wish you all the best. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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It is good that you came to MB.<P>Your wife is special, as you probably know now. People make mistakes, so don't think you are alone.<P>I think the best thing you can do is make your marriage stronger because of this. Something is wrong with your marriage to result in you doing the things you did. You need to find out what that is. I'd suspect you have some idea. Use this as a wakeup call to work on the marriage. Buy Surviving An Affiar, His Needs/Her Needs, and Light Her Fire, Light His Fire. Maybe Relationship Rescue as well. Maybe one of those 101 Nights of Passion style of books too. Point is, work on it.<P>It took guts to own up to your mistakes...many people have done what you did and much worse, and they don't have what it takes to come clean.<P>Many of us are hurting on here, as you know, because we have been betrayed, but in a situation such as yours, where you are still together and want to make it work, you are in a good position relative to many of us, so make the most of it. Post here whenever you need to.<P>You are not a bad person, just made mistakes.<P>You can't change the past, but you can shape the future. Use what happened in the past to make the future wonderful. Try not to beat yourself up over this. This is my opinion. Take care of your marriage and each other.

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Matt - I'm really glad that you came to MB, but it might be a good idea to go to the General Questions II forum. There are a lot of good people here in Just Found Out, but many of them are BS's who have just learned about their spouse's infidelity. GQ2 might be a better place to post because there's a higher response and more "vets" to help out.<P>To the BS's who were "holding back" - I too am a BS, and I understand the pain that you're going through, but even implied animosity towards somebody who comes here looking for advice is rude and unnecessary. That's not what this board is supposed to be about. How would you have felt if during your first post, a bunch of WS's replied by saying that they were "holding back since their significant other didn't do their job and caused them to turn to someone else." Help others, learn from their experiences, but don't judge them.<P>Matt, you need to identify what caused you to do what you did. Are you addicted to new relationships or sex? Was there a need that your wife wasn't meeting that you didn't let her know about? Once you identify the problem, fix it.<P>Trust is going to be an issue, so you'll want to be completely open with her about EVERYTHING until your trust is rebuilt. Account for your time, give her access to your e-mail, pager, voice mail, etc - that will let her know that you have nothing to hide. Work hard to meet her needs and regain her trust - you are lucky that you have such a forgiving wife. Get Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Study this website - it has a lot of helpful material. And keep posting and learning. Best of luck to you and your wife. We're glad to have you here.

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Matt, definitely be sure your W know you love her and that you think she is absolutely wonderful for forgiving you. Don't be surprised though if she has moments of deep sadness. I was pretty much as much of a rock as you can be after learning that one's spouse has had an A. I tried very hard to be forgiving and assure him that we would work through it even though he didn't want to. How much easier it would have been if I had known that his heart belonged to me and that he truly thought I was a wonderful and strong person for staying. I still don't know if he feels that way or if he regrets not leaving me. Please don't ever let your wife be in doubt. She will probably do enough of that on her own and will need many reassurances from you.<P>If you are committed to your relationship with your wife, if you are committed to meeting her needs, if you have made promises to you and your wife to never have another A, you might also want to check out the In Recovery board. This is where couples are trying to rebuild their relationship after all third party contact has been severed. Since your A did not involve emotional attachment to these OWs it should be relatively easy to not have contact with them again. But, since you did not have emotional attachments, you may find it more difficult to avoid PAs in the future.<P>I suggest you speak with your W about why you had the PAs. Do you not like the intimate side of the relationship with your wife? Did these other women make you feel attractive whereas your wife does not? Then, when you have the answers, I would suggest that you have these conversations with your wife. She can only meet your needs if she knows what they are.<P>Good luck to you. You have a long journey ahead of you.

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Dear Matt,<P>It's been a while since you posted this. I just wondered how things are going, and if the guilt on your part along with the pain on her part are easing at all?<P>


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