I am a married man with 2 young children at home. Recently I overheard my wife telling her friend about a sexual encounter she had while away on business. When I confronted her I found out there were actually two different people... She insisted she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I talked her into moving out and leaving me with the children and getting a legal seperation. Since then she has told me that she actually had another affair with a co-worker(one of the other men was from her office also) and shehe is madly in love with him but knows it is not right... I have found out that she is going to lunch with one of the men she slept with but she gets angry with me and tells me she can go to lunch with him if she wants and that he means nothing.. I have tried to explain to her that it DOES mean something to me but that doesn't seem to matter. I understand that the latest relationship is the most intense for her but they all mean something to me.. I want to save our marriage for my kids and me but just don't know if this is a good situation. I feel she needs to understand that this means something to me but she just won't budge... Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated...

Welcome <B>crick</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You are not alone!<P>To have a chance at saving your marriage...<BR>...and yes... it's worth a try!<BR>...start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...also check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You might not understand it all...<BR>...but show some trust in us...<BR>...it is your best recourse!<P>You might want to consider having (even if it's ust you) a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>There is a long road ahead...<BR>...most of it is for your future growth...<BR>...and that... is what your going for!<P>Stay around... post... read... ask...<P> <P>Jim

crick,<P>I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is one of the most difficult things you'll ever go through, and many of us (me included) are going through it right now, so you have company.<P>Without knowing any of your marriage details, it is very likely that you are not meeting some of your wife's ENs, or there are too many LBs, or a combination of both. Read the links Jim (NSR) gave you for descriptions of EN and LB. Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Kind of self explanatory. The bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage, you need to try and not LB, and start meeting more of your wife's ENs. Also, make changes in yourself that better yourself, and make you the most attractive alternative, given that she is obviously very mixed up now. She is in the classic fog that you'll hear alot about on here.<P>If you've got the kids, congratulations...you did good on that one. How long has she been out, where is she living, how often does she see the kids, does she take them to her place, how long have you been married, do you know the ENs you might not have been meeting. I don't mean to say that you haven't met any of her needs, or that your marriage problems are your fault, but I think we can all look back and say that there were some things we know were not optimal. You need to fix those.<P>Unfortunately, this takes time, and is harder when you are separated, but it can be done. I would suggest you post on General Questions II forum, because it gets the highest traffic. Weekends are slow, so M-F you get more help.<P>This website has been a lifeline to alot of us. Post and ask questions as much as you need to. It helps tremendously to hear from others going through the same stuff, and also from former WS (wayward spouse) that had affairs, and snapped out of the fog and recovered their marriages. It can be done, so don't give up.

I am sorry to say welcome, Crick, but if you need answers, and support, for our kinds of situations. Your wife is in a "fog" and so are you. Take time to take care of yourself, and take time with your children. If you talk calmly to your wife, and let her own guilt make her make amends, there will be peace. But you can not make her come to peace with her guilt. She is the only one who can heal herself. I learned this lesson the hard way. I want my H. to feel guilty and contrite, so I would bash him with the knowledge of the affair. But all it did was drive him further from me and closer to her, OW. I don't know if you are a christian or not, but I am, and I will pray for you tonite. Good Luck, and God Bless--gn

I'm not really sure what her EN's are... The only thing I can get her to tell me is I gained some weight and didn't take care of my appearance like she wanted... I know I should have done this but it seems that we got caught in a situation of the dog chasing his tail... She would nag at me about something she didn't like and I would change it.. Well it seemed no matter what I did there would be something else. I finally got to the point that I didn't want to do the things she asked anymore because I could never please her. Not only that but she never showed me any signs of caring... I think much of our problems stem from the fact that she doesn't know how to Love in the sense that I understand it. To me love was unconditional. No matter how bad she is or was to me it didn't change the deep seated feelings I have for her. For example the day I overheard her affairs I left the house... When I came back that night she was crying. I couldn't help but feel her hurt so I gave her a hug and told her I would always be there for her if she needed someone. She couldn't even lift her arms to hug me back... I can't seem to get her to see that it doesn't hurt to care. There really was no alternative to who takes the kids because she has no idea how to be a good mother. It takes love, compassion and patience to deal with them and she really doesn't know what they are. I believe the problems are very deep rooted with her. In a nutshell she came from a home where money and nice things were what made the world go round. She also was adopted. She left home at an early age and began to party. She was married once for about 4 months to a man with a lot of money but she wasn't happy. She met me and I am more of a country person without a lot of money but with strong family upbringing. We have been married for 8 years and have two children. I have somewhat taken on the role of Mother and Father because she didn't know how to deal with them. I had no problem with this, in fact I rather enjoyed it... I just don't think she has the ability to feel Love. I want to believe it can be taught but am not sure. I have asked her to seek counceling to try to deal with this but she won't. One thing that struck me strange was she felt I was a wimp because I cried over the situation. She is ashamed that this other man has so much emotional control of her and she feels like this makes her somehow a weak person. I certainly don't look at her as being weak for this and I certainly don't think I'm weak because I cry over this... Last weekend we seemed to make some progress but during the week this man sent her some email and came by to see her. Well this weekend was a disaster. She did tell me who he is and I have comtemplated calling him and telling him to leave her alone... I told her she needs to tell him this but I'm afraid she doesn't have the strength to do it. He plays an emotional roller coaster ride with her and she keeps jumping back on. Would it not be wise to call him and just let her hash it out? Is there any hope for her to feel Love? Can it be taught? I think she confuses Love and lust... She puts too much empahsis on looks rather than what is inside... Still lost.. Crick