I "just found out" about H's affair with co-worker. I used to work with H but took another job before she came along. He has told me how lots of men, married and single, would come on to her (she is married). I am wanting to know if she did/does something to attract this kind of attention. I have a friend who worked there with the 2 of them and I would like to ask her what she is like. Is she real flirty? Does she come on to these men first? <P>Do you think it would be OK for me to do this and if so, should I let H know?

I think you should ask, but not tell your H. THis will give you unbiased information about her behavior. Your H. maybe protecting himself by laying blame on her, and that is not uncommon. I emailed my husband's OW, and she responded very nicely, and even forward his emails to her to me. I was shocked at reading his emails, all the lies, and the way he chose to disclosed information to her made me out to be a mad woman, some one who was completely out of control of my own emotions. And I learned that HE pursued HER, not the way he told me at all what happened. Yes, I would investigate and form my own opinions. I hope that all goes well, and I will check this post later--gn

Anyone else?

I think it would be alright to ask your friend, but don't tell your H. He will just get mad. This will answer your question if the OW is a big flirt or what.<P>My W is having an EA and I called the OM twice. W was really mad when I did it the first time about 2 months ago. W doesn't know about second time yet. But in your case, if your friend won't say anything to anyone about your conversation, go ahead and do it. The info from your friend will most likely be a little different from what your H has said.<P>Take care

Dear Barbara Ann:<BR>One thought: Is your friend a gossip? Has she ever told you something she shouldn't have, about someone else, and asked you to keep it in strict confidence? I ask because if she doesn't know about the affair, and if she talks to even one other person at the company, you've lost some of the comfort of confidentiality.<P>If she's someone you trust, if she's kept your confidences in the past, maybe you could ask her.<P>Our counselor suggested to me that I ask other people who have seen the four of us (me, H, OW and OWH) together what THEY saw, what they surmised or what opinion they had about the relationship between my H and the OW. The only people I could think of to ask, who had seen all of us together (or even the 3 of us, OW, me, and H) were notorious gossips. I didn't want to destroy the small bit of dignity and privacy I still had, or tarnish the image people had of my H at work. So I wasn't able to get an "impartial" point of view.<P>Is the affair between husband and OW general knowledge already? Then it may not make any difference if you ask.<P>Sorry, I know this hurts.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

I think it would be fine if you asked your friend but really, what does it matter? If she was a flirt that doesn't mean he had to "go for it" and if she wasn't and he went after her it still happened. You don't have to be a flirt to attract attention. I had a job about 5 years ago where I was an assistant for a bunch of engineers. I was 1 of 2 females. I am attractive and I have a friendly upbeat personality (no, I'm NOT a flirt), and because of that I did draw the attention of my co-workers. They were NOT hitting on me but I know enjoyed being around me. That was the words from the other woman co-worker. But you know what? I remember a woman coming into our department to interview in a conference room we had that had all windows. She was a VERY attractive little blond and you should have seen the guys in my department almost trip over each other to get to the copier. Only time they ever made their own copies!!!!!!!! They wanted to get a view of "her". Doesn't mean she did anything wrong by attracting their attention and they certainly didn't pursue her.