I have posted before about how long I should wait and I am still waiting. However my question is this. I am the BS. My husband WAS being very affectionate towards me and was saying all the right things the night he decided to move back into the bedroom. We had sex and although I didn't expect everything to be back tonormal, I did expect him to feel something for me. <P>The next day I we had a talk and I said to him that I thought it was a mistake and perhpas we shouldn't have sex until he at least has a feeling that he wants this marriage. He doesn't know what he wants. He moved back on the couch and has turned himself off. He won't talk to me or hug me or anything. He says he has no desire to touch me or talk to me and wants to move out. I think he is talking to this woman again. He says he could care less if I hug him or not. <P>It has been a month now, actually more than a month and he still doesn't know what he wants. I think perhaps he is addicted to sex and am going to bring this up with the councellor today. I am trying so hard to give him love, but it is hard when he turns himself off from me. <P>Any advice would be helpful<P>Rhonda<BR>

I think this may ruffle some feathers around here but here goes. Why did you cut him off? The plain and simple truth is that sex is very much an emotional need of men, in most cases the number 1 need. By cutting him off, In effect you’re saying I’m not going to meet your emotional needs until you meet mine. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by simranrupert:<BR><B>I am trying so hard to give him love, but it is hard when he turns himself off from me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Think about what you’ve just said. You may indeed be trying very hard to give him love, but are you giving him the type of love (meeting the EN) that you would like met or is it what he would like/needs? <P>It seems to me that he could be with drawing because he doesn’t see any long-term change in you, on the other hand you’re with holding one of his EN until you see improvement. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Who started meeting who’s needs first, you or him? In my opinion it doesn’t matter as long as someone starts the ball rolling and you eventually both cross the road.<P>Now on the addicted to sex part, I don’t know your story or his. However, if I hadn’t eaten in over a month, food is what I’d be thinking of first and foremost. If you gave me a box of crackers I’d devour them and you’d swear I was addicted to crackers.<P>My vote is to feed that boy and see what happens <P>

That would be true, however, he felt the same that it was a mistake. He said he didn't feel anything. I also found out in therapy that he wasn't even there. He was in some other world, probably thinking of another woman. Also he said he didn't want to have sex with me, but thought he would try. <P>If he was trying, I would be able to, but he isn't even talking to me. Plus I just found out that he is talking with OW now too. He said he doesn't want to work on the marriage and only wants to work on parenting. We have a 9 month old. <P>I do understand what you are saying and I appreciate your cander, but I need something in return and all I get is he doesn't want to be around me, all about how wonderful this woman is, how he doesn't love me, doesn't care whether we touch each other. I mean there is so much I can take. This has been going on for a month and a half. <P>Needless to say, I kicked him out tonight. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to do, but i seriously was losing it. I am so confused and emotionally wrecked, I almost don't know what to believe. <P>He promised that he would not talk or see this woman again and we actually wrote a letter together. But that was another lie and he just doesn't see what is wrong with it. He says I am playing mind games with him, but I believe he is playing with me. <P>This may sound drastic me kicking him out, but for my son's sake and my own, I felt I had to do it. Of course I have doubt but at the time, I felt it was right. He didn't fight me on it at all and just left. I asked him if he was going to fight at all and he just said he didn't want to play mind games. To me it is him playing with my mind. He also didn't even say bye or anything to his son. To me that would be the first thing I would do. <P>I know you don't know the whole story and it would take forever to tell you, but if I didn't do anything, I swear I would be in the looney bin in a short time. <P>I think he really wanted me to kick him out and so I did. I don't expect him back. If that is the way it is to be, so be it. I can't fight a battle on my own and that is what I have been doing for a month in a half.<P>As for the sex addiction, there is more than just that incident that indicates an addiction. The therapist thinks there could be one too. <P>Anyway, I do appreciate your honesty, I don't want to scare anyone away, I am just very angry, but feel I did what I did was correct. May it be or not, it is decided and now I will have to deal with it. I believe a decision had to be made. I just couldn't go on like it was.<P>Thanks for your honesty.<P>Rhonda

Now that I hear more about the situation I can see where my idea may not have played out to well. I always feel so bad for the folks in your shoes, my W has been very willing to work on this. I often wonder if I would have the strength that those like you have. I hope some of the members from the Recovery group read your post. There are many there sharing your situation and I’m sure they could offer some good advice/support. From your description it would seem that he is very confused “Fogged in” which would help to explain some of his behavior. Maybe his leaving will help lift some of it. If you can, keep plan A’ing. If you have not already read the post in the Recovery group titled “Patient Love is indeed what saved us” give it a look. It may offer you some extra hope that even these cases can turn around.<P>God Bless,<BR>oswald<BR>

Thanks, all the best to you too.

Hi,<P>I know where you're at with the anger. I do believe you've done the right thing to guard your heart. I wish I was as strong as you to follow through with Plan B. It's so unfathomable to me that a person can do the things they do with ease. My H has told me so many lies it's almost comical. I've stopped asking too many deep questions so he doesn't feel he needs to lie. I probably won't believe him anyway so why go that road.<P>Be strong! RECOVER ** REFOCUS ** REGENERATE<P>May God bless your day and guide your way!<P>Karen