I just found out my wife was(is?) having an affair. I don't know who with, when it started, or if it's the first. I caught her in a lie. Not suspecting an affair I asked her who she was with and she admitted the affair.<P>She claimed she didn't want to hurt me, But the thought of the woman I LOVE and am TOTALLY devoted to with some one else is tearing me apart. Since I found out 8 days ago, I haven't eaten, I `haven't slept, `I feel sick and shaky and am an emotional mess. How could she do this to me? <P>She has said that she wants both the other guy and me. I travel alot and she wants to be with him when I'm gone. I can't deal with this. More recently she claims it's over and she wants to work on the marriage. Which do I believe? How do I trust her? I can't get the images of her with another man out of my head, laughing, touching, talking about how much she loves him and doesn't want me, and making love to him the way did early in our marriage. Letting him in and being more intimate with him. <P>I do love her so much, I want our relationship to get better be what we both crave. A relationship of two wonderful lovers who share everything, and trust, and joy, and who can rely on each other. <P>I'm away on a trip now and cannot keep the thoughts of her with him out of my head. I want to forgive her and put every ounce of effort into improving our relationship. I am affraid that I will never trust her again and will always be suspicious of her. That I will never be able to prevent the images of the other man with her and the intimate emotional and physical relationship they shared. Sharing that level of relationship is the highest honor she could give and it kills me that she choose not to share it with me. <P>We've been married 8 1/2 years and have a 16 month old beautiful boy. If we work to save the marriage I want to KNOW she did it because she truely loves me and wants to share her most intimate thoughts and feelings with me. Not because I have an excellent job and provide her with a large house and am the father of our son.<P>Thanks in advance for thoughts, prayers, and counsel.

I am sorry for your pain. I find it very<BR>troubling that your wife would say she wants<BR>the OM and you and wants to be with the OM<BR>when you are gone on your trips. At this<BR>stage I certainly would not trust her. I hope<BR>you can work it out but I would be on my<BR>toes since you still seem to be in the dark.<BR>I would suggest the next time your have to<BR>travel to contact a private investigator while you are out of town. Financially you <BR>indicate this should not be a problem. You<BR>will have your answer shortly whether or not<BR>you can trust in her again. It is unbelievable that she thinks it would be<BR>acceptable to be with the OM while you are<BR>gone. I would not trust her denial that all<BR>of a sudden she has stopped seeing him.<BR>Good luck.

Welcome <B>noor</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I know your pain...<BR>...so many of us are where you are.<P>Now...<BR>...I'm going to ask you do the unnatrual...<P>Start on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> for mechanics.<P>If your job/finances can handle it...<BR>...try another approach when you on your trips...<BR>...take your W and S along with you!<P>Learn all you can!<P>We will be here for you.<P> <P>Jim

Noor<BR>You've come to the right place. The emotional roller coaster is unbelievable so hang on tight. You are in shock, your wife is in a fog so now's the time to carefully look at all that NSR has told you. Plan A initially seems like the one who is hurt "pays", but you will soon realize it will help you to grow...<BR>god Bless

Noor,<BR>Let me first say that I am sorry for the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. I know it is really a turbulent time for you. I am not a long termer here. It's been just 2 months since I found out about my W’s A and found this site. Looking back at my emotional state then, I really feel for you, this will no doubt be one of lifes most difficult challenges. But hang in there it does get easier with time, knowledge and support from places like this. Today I feel so much more at ease with the entire situation. I don’t like it, but I understand it and that is half the battle. You obviously love your wife and though it is hard to see, she loves you too. Your W is in what we call a fog, believe it or not you are the only sane one in the relationship right now and though you feel powerless you’re not, you hold the key to driving her away or bringing her totally back.<P>Before hiring an investigator, following your W or anything else that will drive her to the OM Please, Please take Jim’s advice and read what he has offered, buy Harley’s books and learn the principals so you can formulate an educated plan. <BR>

Noor,<P>Found myself in the same position 4 weeks ago. Wife had not graduated to physical affair, but was nearly there and thining seriously about leaving.<P>I have been plan A'ing like there is no tomorrow, and the results are beginning to show. Perserverence, patience, consistency and prayer. The pain will be more than you have ever dealt with, but if you love her and want to keep her, you have little choice. No love busters! Don't confront her. Just begin to fulfill her needs.<P>I had nearly neglected my wife's need for affection and conversation. I almost totally shut her out emotionally. Once I began to meet these, she began to respond. I took off all pressure about making a decision to stay or to give up OM. <P>Just remember to begin making changes to yourself for your benefit. She will benifit too, but ultimately these changes are for YOU! Remember though, that these changes must be life-long. My biggest challenge is to begin every day comitted to becoming a better man, husband, and father.<P>Don't give up, pray a lot.<P>Bill Uphill

Noor,<P>Just echoing everything Bill said. Dday for me was 5 weeks ago today. Plan A is hard but I am seeing the results slowly. Anti-deps help, but take at least 2 weeks to take effect. You have to work on yourself right w. Much of what you do will be unappreciated at first, so be patient. Also, don't go too far, like I did. I started doing all the housework for a while. W said she felt like she wasn't even needed any more. Remember her most important EN are probably affection and conversation. Concentrate on those.<P>Thinking of you<P>Seagull

Hi noor,<P>I'm sorry to hear about your pain. The shock of discovery is really hard to take. Hang in there!<P>What Jim said about Plan A, etc. is very important. Also his suggestion about the travel. That is something which jumped out at me in your post.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by noor:<BR><B>She has said that she wants both the other guy and me. I travel alot and she wants to be with him when I'm gone.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>One of the Harley concepts is the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Basically, it says "Never do anything without the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse". How does your wife feel about the travel? Not all people handle their spouse being gone very well, and Dr. Harley has indicated that many spouses require a period of adjustment just to feel normal with their partner when the partner returns from a trip.<P>Doing whatever it takes to reduce the travel, such as changing jobs, may seem like a big price to pay. However, putting up with affairs or divorce is a big price to pay for one's job. Maybe the travel isn't a major problem, but it sounded like it might be.<P>Anyway, good luck in this tough time, and keep reading and posting. <BR>

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and advice. To get more responses and advice I have posted another topic in this forum under "Desparately Need Help and Advice"<P>I would appreciate any other advice any of you can lend about this mess..