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noor Offline OP
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My first post was "she's with someone else. Found out 8 days ago"<P>She lies, but I know she is still seeing him. And I know who it is. IT'S HER GODDAMN THERAPIST. I just don't know what to do. I've been reading the books 'surviving an affair' and 'her needs, his needs'. The feeling I get is that I should let the affair run it's course and work on plan A. She still lies about who it's with (obviously to protect his career) and she's lying about not seeing him. I also know she has a STRONG emmotional bond with him. I feel if I expose my knowledge of the affair I will do irreparable damage and a reconciliation will be impossible. Mainly because she will know how I foung out. I have been taping phone calls at our house.<P>I love my wife and would like things to work out. <P>I do not doubt that I will file a complaint against the Therapist, but I need help on timing. I also have thought about approaching him privately and threatening he break all contact with my wife or I go straight to the State Board of Health with all the evidence of the affair. From his conversations I have taped I can tell he is very concerned about being discovered and is worried the phone may be tapped--he's even said so.<P>I just want them to break it off so my W and I can start working things out-- but I don't want to do any 'Love Busting' in the process. <P>Any advice would be appreciated.

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noor Offline OP
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Adding to my original post: <P>Some back ground information; We are seeing counselling both individual (for me) and joint marital. In the phone converstions to the affair she says she is going to counselling to make me happy. <P>She also admits to being friends with the Affair therapist, but that they aren't having an affair. The phone converstions clearly indicate otherwise. She claims she is not seeing the affair therapist any more professionally or as friends, but I know she is. <P>They are becoming more suspicious of my knowledge. He is now very guarded on the phone and won't tell her the things she obviously wants to hear from him. I suspect she is now phoning him from pay phones now.<P>I think he would choose his career over her, but I don't want to drive a wedge between my W and I because of the Tapping...

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noor - be careful about the lawfulness of taping the phone conversations in your state. Remember Linda Tripp? Illegal in Maryland.<P>Recommend you get a counseling session ASAP with the Harleys before you make your next move. Be cool and don't do anything else until you get some guidance. <P>Maybe consult an attorney if you choose to professionally slam the therapist - especially with potentially illegal recordings.<P>Keep in mind, that any move by you against the therapist will be a huge LB to your wife.<P>You're currently in the drivers seat - don't move too fast except to get advice from MB counselors! Good luck!<P>WAT

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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

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Before I make any comments, understand that my marriage did fail, and that colors my response. In almost all states, it is a crime for a therapist to do what he and your wife are doing. Also, he is fully liable for damages to you, and could lose his license to practice. That said, you need to gather evidence, I suggest a P.I., also start a log of her movments, tape phone and monitor the computer. What I'm saying is, if the marriage can't be saved, you can get alot of your self respect back....and from experiance I can tell you that revenge is sweet indeed!<P>------------------<BR>

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You must report this therapist to the<BR>authorities immediately. He is like a<BR>rapist who has mentally raped your wife<BR>by way of his profession. I guarantee he<BR>will stop seeing you wife when you file <BR>against him to the State Board. Of course<BR>your wife will be upset with you but it<BR>must be done. He is controlling her mind<BR>and she will be unable to resist. He is a<BR>very sick man and should not be allowed to do<BR>this to others. Please stop him and stop him<BR>now. Who knows how many times he has done<BR>this in the past. You will never be able<BR>to get your wife back as long as he is in<BR>the picture.

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Hey Noor,<P>I can identify with you 100%- my wife had an affair with her therapist. I cannot add anything to what others have posted, you have received excellent advice. I would reiterate that you must nail the S#@$%B, and drive him out of business. Not only for your sake and your wife's sake, but for other potential victims. He's most likely been involved with other clients as well, judging from your description of his actions.<BR>Your wife will most likely not be able to make a break from him without intervention; and if he drops her like a hot potato, she may very well become self-destructive, so be careful.<BR>My wife's therapist eventually lost his license but moved to another state and is now teaching at the graduate level at a university - and is probably preying on co-eds.<BR>I don't want to sound like Clinton, but I know very well your pain, anger, and anguish.<BR>Rockaway <P>

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Noor,<P>What a frustrating situation. Sort of dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. <BR>If you truly want to save your marriage, don't do anything right away. Give yourself another 24 hours to think things through. THe Harleys take a very logical course.<BR>If this therapist values his position, he may well end the A when he starts to feel threatened by exposre. Most affairs die a natural death once exposed. This may not be the most exciting way to handle things but, it would happen on its own and your hands would be clean. This would make the prospect of reconciliation more likely.<P>I am pretty sure that tapping the phones is a felony. only use that for your personal information.<P>hang in there. This is still pretty fresh. I have a feeling this weirdo will run when he realizes he's about to be outed.

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noor,<BR>First, let me say that I am sorry for what is happening to you! It hurts a lot, we all know. Second, I believe you should report this therapist!<P>Get a lawyer so you can protect yourself legally. This therapist is sick. If he will do this kind of thing with your wife, he will do it with other wifes or daughters!!<P>Talk to your marriage counsellor about your situation. If you can't trust him, talk to Steve Harley. It is hard when you know your wife feels she doesn't love you; it is even harder when your wife goes to get help and some scum takes advantage of the problem!!<P>As for driving a wedge further into your marriage, notifying the state board will be a major LB to your W, but it is probably something that should be done.<P>I would suggest marriage counseling and counsel from a lawyer before doing anything else.<P>Good luck and take care

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Dear Noor,<P>Unfortunately the world is filled with people in certain places and professions simply because those allow them to get close to their victims. I have read reports in established papers that have exposed situations where children, women and young men have become exploited. Often these have ended in the murder of either victim or abuser.<P>Your wife was vulnerable and he abused the professional ethics of his practice since she sees him as the expert to her problems. She is being manipulated.<P>Pray for God's help in getting your wife back as well as protecting the community from this charlatan.<P>The others advice on getting a lawyer and P.I. are necessary. Please have a safe-deposit box at a vault to keep evidence. Do not leave them at home.<P>I am sorry for your difficult situation but you have come to a place full of many fine and highly intelligent and caring people.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep

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Oh yeah,<BR>As for tapping phones and it legallity, a lawyer can tell you best because each state is different, but I believe if you are tapping your own phone, within your own house that it is legal. You tapped into your line that is in your house, not a line on the street. I may be wrong, I don't know!<P>Just my thoughts on this.

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I have to agree with the others as well.<P>1. Get advice from an attorney in your state... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for the right category (specialists). Like for a divorce or separation... you can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<BR><B>I believe there could be a serious problem with your taping their phone conversations</B>.<P>The severity of what this "so called" <I>therapist</I> is doing warrants a response. If a third party (disinterested as possible... good Samaritan-like) is willing to help push forward an action filed with the state board...<BR>...all the better! <P>2. About your marriage...<BR>...this action is a major LB!<BR>That's why, to cushion the blow, getting a third-party involved in persuing an action against the "therapist" is to your advantage.<BR>Start immediately by researching out another therapist... for you <B>and</B> your W... so the new therapist can explain why the "old" therapist <B>was THE problem</B>. Guidance from MB counselors can be very useful 888-639-1639)!<P>Please tell me your started on Plan A full force... in the mean time! <B>Full force</B>!<P>Please remember...<BR>1. get in touch with an attorney<BR>2. get in touch with the Harley's<BR><B>Don't make any actions without both of these being done first</B>!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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WOW! Is that ever so scary. You put your trust in a professional to HELP you, and then this particular one goes and abuses that trust by doing something so absolutely hideous it makes me shake.<P>I can only imagine the desparation you feel as her spouse.<P>PLEASE follow NSR's/Jim's advice and follow those steps to protect yourself, and to protect your wife from this criminal. Take a deep breath, do not panic, and keep those emotions in check at this time--you NEED a clear head to navigate through this mess.<P>Prayin' so very hard for you and a positive outcome to your situation.

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Noor,<BR>Yikes! That No good low life SOB.<BR>I don’t want to elevate all the responsibility from you and your W’s relationship. I’m sure like all, it has its shortcomings. But it seems to me there are 2 real victims here and 1 PREDATOR. As advised by sad heart, follow Jim’s Advice.<BR>

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Noor-- I am a professional, and I suggest you contact a laywer and find out your legal standing, then proceed in charges. This is an abuse, and can be made to benifit your wife and you by showing her how the therapist abused his professional tactics to lure your wife into this situation. If your wife could see how the therapist did this, it may show her his true nature, and cause her to rethink her ties to you, and your marriage. I wish you luck, and I will pray for you daily. This type of abuse is not uncommon, but if this therapist is a public role figure, he could more damage to you, if he feels threatened. STOP the ABUSE now, before it is to late for another couple. I know, because I could be sued for a lot if this was me. I have an ethical duty to protect my clients/patients at whatever cost from others, myself, and the public domain if so necessary. Abuse of this power leads to corruption, and leads to more than one victim, and your wife is a victim that has been lured by his words of comfort and love. SHOW her the true nature of this man, and she later will thank you. THis therapist is like a drug, it reached into her soul, and gave what she craved, and now she can't break clean. SO help her, support her, be there for her, but don't make excuses for her, and don't try to protect her from the true, but gently show her the truth. gn

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<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>


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