We were married for two weeks when she told me that my newly conceived child may not be mine. She told me after we had made love. I still can't handle it. I want to leave. I'm not sure I love her anymore. I'm not sure I want to love her. I'm not sure if I want to try anymore. I have my own thoughts of infidelity and I'm not sure how long I can resist. The only problem is my mother instilled these horribly pristine values and ethics into my mind and I can't break free. My heart says "I gotta go now" and my head says "your not going anywhere...don't even think about it." So, I struggle each day to smile at my wife and to look at her when we make love. I call her at work, not to let her know I'm thinking of her, but to remind myself that I am married. I try to think of her when I see that gorgeous brunette I want so bad at work. I try to remind myself what it was like to be a child with divorced parents. I think of my son and I know I don't ever want him to feel like he was a mistake. I look at his eyes...are they mine? I wonder...are his lips like mine? Are his hands like mine? Or are they like the man's who my wife decided to visit one night to tell him how wonderful I was? I wonder if my son knows whether am his father or not...he is only one year old now. I love him with all my heart and it doesn't matter whose blood he carries. But will he hate me for not loving his mother? Will he hate me for leaving her? Will he hate me for staying and for being a bitter man? How can I forgive and forget? How can I forget when he is a living reminder? Can I live a lie? Can I make a lie reality by believing it? How much faith does it take? Will God punish me for giving up? This would be strike number two..."One more and your out of the holy house forever young man" Love is a decision...what if I decide wrong. I don't want to start over again. I'm afraid this society has made it alright for my wife to do what she did. I think the lawmakers want to reward her for deceiving me so well by giving her half of what she never had in the first place, by giving her rights to a child that she isn't responsible enough to care for, and by telling her that I am the wrongdoer for giving up. Did I mention that since she had no vehicle, she had borrowed my car while I was working to go procreate with her abusive ex? AAAHHHH!!!<BR>I want her to go away...to cease to exist...but I want my son to be happy. These are mutually exclusive. I want my life back. I want my freedom back. I feel like I allowed myself to be a victim and I hate myself for that. These thoughts have festered for almost two years in the dark corners of my mind. Where do I go from here?<P>------------------<BR>Hanging on by a Thread

Not an expert : but reading your post it seems you are very concerned if the child is really yours, there are several options. 1 get a DNA test to determine if it is your child. If it is your child then you have eliminated part of the proplem, that seems to be eating at you. It is not the childs fault, If it is someone elses, you will know. and can make a rational decision whether you want to remain in the relationship, many men can't because of the child is a constant reminder of the betrayl.Having an affair with the Brunette at this time is a mistake, you will only be adding to an already explosive problem. And you really didn't say if you have discussed this with your wife. If you Love her and she loves you, it might be nice to discuss this with her and something the two of you can work on together.Right now it sounds to me like you are doing nothing about the situation and letting it fester inside and with out releasing these feeling you are allowing all other feelings to be pushed under a cork of anger. I wish you luck I know this has to be very difficult for you. And we all wish you the very best.

Welcome <B>hangingbyathread</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>A few comments about your post...<BR>You obviously have a lot of soul searching ahead of you... but... stay a while... talk with us... we understand alot of what you feel... especially the anger... read on with my traditional "welcome wagon spiel"... I'll make a few comments along the way...<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If there is any desire to fix/save/repair tour marriage... your first step whether betrayed or betrayer... is to stop... take a deep breathe... and accept that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... is a first course of action!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Even for betrayers, betrayers to be, or even OPs!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! There are those on the forum who were/are both betrayers and betrayed... seek them out.<P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>--------------------------------<BR>More of my comments...<BR>This has got to be a very difficult time for you...<BR>Are there simple answer heres (or anywhere)... NO! <BR>But there are some important steps to take... <BR><B>First</B>... You've got to get rid of the OW in <B>your</B> life... alot will be said to you about this later!<BR><B>Second</B>... As I've said earlier... since your W may be seeing ex (is this ex-BF or ex-H?) she will have to be treated initially with a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Read up on it.<BR><B>Third</B>... If it is killing you... get a DNA test to prove the boy is yours... IMHO... it <B>doesn't matter</B>... I raised my step son from the age of 3 ... he knows me as his only dad... even though now he knows about the existance of his BF...<BR><B>Fourth</B>... Your emotions are running beyond high... get medical advice on...<BR><B>A.</B> Counseling (you and/or your wife)...<BR><B>B.</B> Anti-depressant medication.<BR><B>Fifth</B>... It may be the most important... rediscover your faith...(and those pristene values)... this time of year could make it both harder and easier...<BR><B>Sixth</B>... Post here as often as you need... I'd say your need now is very great!<P>--------------------------------<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>(sorry for such a long reply... most will be shorter than the original post... )<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 10, 1999).]

Hanging On,<P>I read your profile. You used a lot of "I don't know's" - meaning probably that you are very angry and that anger built up over time is now causing great confusion within you. My wife is going through the same thing at the moment. <P>I don't know for sure how I'd react if my wife had done to me what your did prior to your marriage. I do know that your wife told you - meaning that she did not want to live a lie with you. She did the right thing then. And, you did not mention that she was a bad wife, mother, partner, companion, etc. You only talked about this anger you have from what she told you in the first two weeks. <P>Now I'm no statistician, but I'd bet everything that the number of currently married people who got scared and decided to have one last "fling" before marrying is quite large - very large. I'd also bet that many of these people go on to live very happy and successful marriages. <P>I'm not convinced that you really want to leave your wife. Sounds to me like you want to hurt her for the past. That's common also. Now may be a good time to consider counseling, both of you together.<P>By the way, you may not want to know, but it's rather easy to find out about your son.<BR>DNA will do it everytime. However, would that really help your family now or anytime in the future. You are your son's father, and that is certainly the reality in his mind, and chances are that this is the reality in fact. Maybe you should leave this one alone, seek counseling, and begin to focus on the good things in your marriage. <P>Most of us "men" here wish our wives were home being great partners and wives - even after they've made a mistake. You sound pretty lucky to me - think real carefully before you let this slip away.

Who said her ex was abusive? Did he say that? A counselor? Or did she? Many abusive people "blame" the victim. It's easy to do because the victim is the one that normally seems angry all the time and more prone to emotional or angry public outbursts. The abuser usually looks like the sane one to the outside world. If your wife's ex is seen by her friends as being "emotionally explosive", and she is seen as being "sane, perfect, a poor innocent victim", you might have more problems than you know about. Most of the people who knew my ex called her "the Saint". But she was quite good at making sure others did not know what she was up to. She made sure nobody was around before she let me have it. But this is an area where nobody should be their own judge. Go see a good counselor and talk things out with him/her.<P>With regard to the parentage of your child, I think you need to straighten this out first. If it is your child then you have one less thing to think about. It'll aid you in focusing on real the issue. If it is not your child, at the very least the ex should be paying child support. That'll entail visitation and all that. It's a very personal decision, but I would want to know.<P>A blood test is a lot cheaper than a DNA test, so you might want to try that first. It can't determine positively whether you are the father, but if it comes back negative you conclusively are not.<P>I think it'll be a lot easier to think about things once you have the answers you need.<P>If it were me, the parentage of the child would be something I could not let go. I would need to know. I also know that for me I wouldn't be able to stay with a woman under circumstances like you describe. What's she doing sleeping with her ex weeks before she gets married to you? Obviously she still feels something for him, or did at that time. This could be very complicated. Make sure you are not a pawn in somebody else's battle.<BR>

HBAT: Take careful steps on what you decide. I will have to agree with the others in regards to the brunette. Now is not a good time to start a relationship with an OW. She may be worse to deal with than your spouse if you decide the OW is not who you want. As for the child. If you love him despite who the blood father is, then that's all that counts. There are times when it takes more than biological ties to be a good father. He needs a good father. You states that "I look at his eyes, are they mine?" Next time you look at his eyes, see them from his point of view. With his eyes, he sees this big person, whom someday he'll call "Dad" who loves him very much. When he smiles at you, does he ask about your past? Does he judge you for your mistakes? Does he look at your parentage? No, He smiles at you because he loves you as you are. Even as an infant, they know when they are loved. He needs you and in a way you need "your" son. Whatever, the outcome of your relationship with your wife, you can still remain an active part of his life which he will need. I can't tell you what to do in regards to your wife, but offer my prayers. However, don't give up on your son (blood or not). The reason I spend more time on the child concern that your wife's is because I was raised without a father. For years, I asked myself what did I do wrong for my father to leave me? As a child, teenager and young adult, I did not understand that it was not my fault. But to go through all those years trying hide the fact that my father wasn't even present at my birth was painful. Much luck and prayers to you.

Thank you all so very much!!!<P>I didn't really know if I would get a response at all. In fact, it was a very impulsive act to write all that.<P>My wife's ex was abusive according to her. Now, I understand that the source has to be taken into consideration. She is very much a victim in the sense that she has endured alot of emotional and physical abuse from family and ex-boyfriends. She is a very disturbed young woman. Since we have been together, she has grown quite a bit. She is more confident and she stands up for herself. I pride myself on having shown her how to do that. Yet, I'm not sure I've been doing that for myself.<P>Of course, we do talk about it (not so much anymore because I have tried to 'forget') For me, it comes down to my son, who I know is mine in my heart. I try to ignore how much I feel that my wife is incapable of being mature and responsible. I'm still trying to be those things on my own! I don't have the patience, the knowledge nor the wisdom to help her grow up. That was her parents' responsibility and they failed. We have been to counseling, but my wife feels that the counselor and I 'gang up' on her. She feels I manipulate the session and the counselor to show how bad she is. (as if I could manipulate a trained pro)<P>I'm sorry...I must continue later...<P>------------------<BR>Hanging on by a Thread