My wife and I have been married for 20 years with three beautiful children. I recently discovered that she and an old high school boyfriend (from 21 years ago) had contacted each other via e-mail and conducted a 4 month e-mail correspondence that ultimately led to a secret 3 day meeting in another state. I actually uncovered the affair while she was away at this secret meeting. I stumbled onto the affair while searching our computer files for other reasons. It seems that all his e-mails to her were saved automatically and many of hers to him also. I was actually able to read and see the affair unfold from a simple "what have you been doing all these years" to the eventual planning of the secret meeting. Some of these e-mails were the most painful things I have ever read, my wife expressing how she no longer loved me and the other guy giving her a shoulder to cry on. This other man lives in a state 1500 miles away and has a wife and two children himself. The day she returned home from her meeting I confronted her and eventually called the other guy and made sure his perfect little life was turned upside down as mine now would be (his wife now knows and the two of them are apparently trying to patch things up). This all occurred about 6 weeks ago. I have been all over the map with my feeling going from one extreme (leave, divorce her) to the other (do whatever it takes to save marriage). I believe the other guy has broken off contact with her (at least while he tries to cool things over in his own home) but I know my wife still attempts to contact him (she still is unaware that I can track her computer activity). She of course lies to me when I ask her about where she stands with him. I have been reading some of Dr. Harley's books and have asked her to do the same, she refuses. I still try to relay to her what I have read. I think she wants me to believe she has ended the affair all on her own and therefore needs no help from me or anyone else (she actually gets very upset if I even attempt to bring up the subject). This attitude is of course very confusing to me (since I know otherwise). Although we have had our ups and downs the past few weeks it seems she is trying to act as if nothing has happened. Its hard for me to accept the idea that everything is normal. She shows no remorse, she continues to lie about her recent attempts to contact him, she won't discuss the affair (basically its me who wants to talk about it), she has made no attempt to work and save the marriage (other than just tell me everything is fine, why I am so worried?). These are some of the problems I need help with: <P>1. The affair was bad enough, what I can't understand is the depth of how unfeeling she can be towards me after the affair. She doesn't seem to care at all about how badly I hurt. Although we've been married for 20 years its as if I'm seeing a side of her I never knew existed. It makes me question why I would want to stay married to such an unfeeling person.<P>2. Is it normal for her to want me to believe everything is ok and at the same time secretly be trying to contact her lover? I honestly believe if the other guy had been single she would have left me and all the kids for him. I think of myself as just being used right now since she obviously can't have him. Why should I stay if she obviously wants someone else?

SENSE - she's a textbook case, like most of them are, following the script. If you've read Harleys books, including SAA (Surviving An Affair), start your plan A right away. Expect her to deny everything and admit nothing. Do not expect her to show any remorse. As you've already felt, she doesn't care about your feelings at all. She's in what is referred to here as the FOG. Can't see where she's going or what she's done.<P>She'll rewrite the history of your marriage to justify what she's done and is doing. She's in a fantasy land that seems real to her. She's being irrational right now, don't assume she's capable of logical thought. Somewhere in there your wife still exists, but right now she is not the woman you know. When my wife did bizarre things, I described it as if the aliens had abducted her and scrambled her brains. <P>"Is it normal for her to want me to believe everything is ok and at the same time secretly be trying to contact her lover?"<P>yes - she's trying to maintain the high of the affair while trying to keep you in the dark.<P>"Why should I stay if she obviously wants someone else?"<P>because she doesn't know what she wants. If she was sure, why does she do everything in secret? You should stay if you love her and want to preserve your marriage.<P>Don't try to reason with her right now. Don't bring up the subject. Avoid all conflicts and love busters. Do not contact the other guy. Let her know you still love her and you'll be there for her no matter what happens. Implement your Plan A, which means improving yourself to be able to meet her needs. Read all about it in SAA.<P>You can recover your marriage if you want to and if she's willing when she come's out of the fog. It'll take time, patience, and consistency on your part to demonstrate you're the better option - because you are.<P>Keep coming here to post questions and get support. You're among folks with similar situations. They're all surprisingly similar. Good luck.<P>WAT