Hi all-<P>This is my first time posting. I have read everything that Dr. Harley has written on this web site and Hubby and I have started counceling. I wanted to write because I'm not quite sure how to deal with these feeling. A little background....<P>About 6 years ago my husband had an online A. This person lived about 3 thousand miles away from us, so although it was very hurtful, I knew they never got together. He never wanted to meet her anyways because she started to get really weird really fast on him. She ended up stalking us for a while after, but ignoring her did the trick and she went away. He SWORE to me this would never happen again. Being the trusting fool that I am I believe him.<P>About 6 months to a year after this we met another lady on-line (this time it was both of us, we met her on a non-sexual chat channel on IRC). We thought she was really nice and she made fast friends with all of our other friends. She made me uncomfortable at times but Husband reasured me blah blah blah.... About a year and a half ago I found his cell phone bill and he had racked up a thousand dollars worth of cell phone bills talking to her. I confronted him on the phone (he was on his way to the city she lived in to 'see some of the guys from work'- *he was going to f**k her). He came home and he AND her spent the next year convincing me that nothing bad or sexual happend. I eventually believed them, but I still was suspicious. I told him I was very uncomfortable and I didn't want them to talk on the phone or online again. He told me I could NOT ask him to do that, she was his best friend in the whole world, the ONLY person he had to talk to (sound familiar???????). I was to STUPID not to see that as one of the signs. Well anyways, things did die down with them after that so I kept quiet, thinking he broke phone contact with her. See, during this time he was spending hours apon hours of talking to her he was ignoring me completely. On his cell phone bill he was out of town on our anniverssary...he talked to me for about 1.5 minutes....to her for well over 3 hours. After I caught him with the phone bills he started paying attentiong to me again...and lots of it. Things really feel into place and we became very close and started working on eachothers EN's. About 2 weeks ago, we got a call from OW's husband. He chewed out my husband (he took it and appologized) and then really had no choice but to tell me that they had in fact had an A (OW's husband tried to talk my husband out of telling me).<P>As it turns out over about a year and a half of chatting things turned sexual. Then they progressed to phone sex, then decided to meet up in perons. The first time they met they did oral sex on eachother in his car in the resturant parking lot. They got together about 5 or 6 more times (she lives in another city so that made things difficult) and then when I found the phone bills it stopped. Not because I found the phone bills, but because things just never did work out (he couldn't account for his time). Things slowly deteriorated after that, but they still kept in very close e-mail (private accts.), icq, IRC and phone. <P>Things for Hubby and I have been going very very good in the last year. I have told him many many times how great it was that we could be so open and HONEST with eachother, and everytime I said that he went crazy with guilt....but not enough to stop him from calling her 3 months ago and asking her to come to his hotel (she refused and told him she couldn't keep it up anymore...he said he felt relieved...who knows!). It really bothers me that the one person who you are supposed to love and trust could do something like this. He actually invited her to our house to 'meet' us and our kids for the first time...well they had already been screwing. She came into my house and was very rude to me. It's hard for me to look back on the last several years and think of anything good. A couple of summers ago we went camping with my parents. My youngest son fell and cracked his head open and it took my Mom and I over an hour to find Hubby so we could take our son to the hospital...where was he? Yup...on the phone with his girl friend, telling her how much he was miserable being there with me and my parents and how much he missed her and loved her..*GAG*! <P>I love him. I hate him. I can't stand to see my life without him. I can't stand to see my life WITH him. I want to make things work. I KNOW how good things can be. I don't trust him. He installed keylogging (a program that captures ALL his computer activity, including 'screen shots'). He did it willingly. He deleted all his chat programs...I'll see if he re-installes them (the keylogging is all automatically sent to my e-mail and it's protected by a password that I set. It also lets me know if he's been tampering with it...cool stuff).<P>He is currently at a job where he has to travel. Unfortunatly that is the nature of his work (he would have to make a serious career change to stay home every night)...that is where my trust issues are coming up. I can see his computer use, but I don't see his phone bills (company pays for them...I never see them). The only saving grace I have is that OW left her husband for her current lover (she had 4 after my hubby) so I'm not sure my hubby know's where she's at. I'm just worried that they are still in touch. I have a hard time believing that she just dropped off the face of the earth (all of our mutual friends have not heard from her either). Hubby is extremely sorry, guilty...I'm not so sure about remorse though (what in the heck does that mean anways?!?!?). He has agreed to counceling, he said he will do anything to save our marriage...what he did was the worse thing he could have done. I tried kicking him out and he refused to leave (that was my knee-jerk reaction....I'm glad he didn't go). It all seems to easy somehow.<P>Thanks for listening and any advice, wisdom or shared experiences I would welcome with open arms.<BR>*hugs*<BR>Mae
