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#403765 12/26/00 06:01 PM
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Here goes<BR>Dated 8 mon<BR>Engaged 10 mon<BR>Married 71/2 yrs<BR>We had a baby mid-June 2000 and things seemed normal. I know a newborn is a handful and I helped when I got home from work (diapers feeding etc).I also made a point of kissing her and paying attention to her before going to see our daughter. While I was at work she was playing a comp. game online and when I noticed she was getting distant I pressed for info. She told me that she had developed feelings for OM (he lives in the Netherlands) and that "we have been drifting apart for a while", news to me! I said we need counselling, she won't go,just refuses. Our plan was for her to find work from home via comp.so D wouldn't have to go to daycare so she bought into Herbalife to the tune of $6000 on credit card with out my knowledge. Luckily it is NOT a joint card .I told her parents to get some prayer support.I have alot of that now as half of our friends know.She is now planning to go over there to be with him for a while.We have discussed custody and both feel that I would be better suited to do it (financially,spiritually).Some people have suggested post-partum depression/psycosis as this behaviour is 180 degrees turn from her usual personality.But she sees nothing wrong with cohabitating until OM can immigrate (poss AUG-OCT 2001) I am really lost and am giving up hope.

#403766 12/26/00 08:07 PM
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From what you say, she is just deep in the so called "fog". Has she never met this guy in person? Clearly, she is just in a fantasy world, and is making a big mistake if she goes. Just knowing that a woman that just gave birth is willing to move away and leave her child should tell you something about her state of mind. Has she seen your family doctor about this?<P>Perhaps you can get her to read stuff on this website. Buy His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair from this site. I'd suggest getting them ASAP. Usually, it is a love buster to show them, but if your wife hasn't met this person, maybe it is worth a shot to show this site and the books to her so she can see that she is living in a fantasy world. However, you know her best, so you'll have to judge what is best.<P>Make sure you read all you can on this site, especially Plan A, EN (emotional needs), and LB (love busters). Start Plan A immediately, don't do any LBs, and fill you wife's ENs. Hopefully you can do enough for her to stop this before she goes to meet him.<P>Don't give up hope. What she is doing is unfortunately a common pattern. Not wanting counselling is VERY common when they have someone else....they never want to go in that situation because making it better would mean giving up the other person (OP).<P>This is the start of an important battle for you. It isn't time to give up. When my wife first told me she wanted to separate, I believed all the bull she told me. Later, I found out it was because she had another man (OM). My wife is in the classic fog, and I'm doing what I can to save my marriage.<P>Hang in there, and post as much as you want. General Questions II is a higher traffic forum, so for more help, post there.<P>Let us know what happens.

#403767 12/26/00 08:34 PM
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Hi there, <BR>I'm sorry to hear about your situation.<BR>I'm from the Netherlands and moved to the states 3,5 years ago. <BR>If you need any help with translating or getting around a Dutch site, feel free to ask me.<BR>K<BR>

#403768 12/27/00 06:36 AM
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Steevo - my vote's in the post partum depression column. If she won't see a counselor or a doc, go your self to a shrink or a doc recommended by the hospital where she delivered or contact her obstetrician. I think the affair is secondary and IF she actually goes to see this nut, it'll be shortlived and maybe will be the shock she needs.<P>Please seek professional help. We're just amateurs and I think this is really out of our amateur league. But we're here to support you. Keep coming back.<P>WAT

#403769 12/27/00 06:43 AM
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Steevo, I can tell you that your W is definitely in the fog. The fog has just lifted for me, but I think it may be too late.<P>The fog makes you do some of the most foolish things imaginable, including making you think that you're in love with OP even if you don't know them well.<P>I hope your W comes out of it soon. I'd give ANYTHING for another chance with my H.

#403770 12/27/00 08:26 AM
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Steevo:<P>Basically I'll reiterate what I told you over on your other post. I'd strongly urge you to go the "Plan A" route, and to do this with the guidance of one of the Harley's through the phone counseling (888-639-1639).<P>As horrible as this may be for you, I see lots of hope, because:<P>1. She's dealing with depression (very likely). This is treatable. She need to want to be treated (and admit that it's a problem); you can't force it. Don't try to educate her on this.<P>2. She's willing to leave her husband and daughter and travel overseas to a country to be with a guy she's never met. What do you think the odds of this developing into a long-term, stable relationship are??? Not good. The bottom line is that this affair will not last. You have two major tasks in front of you: to change your marital behaviors to better suit your wife's needs and make the marriage an attractive alternative to return to when this affair ends, and to keep your sanity and your love for your wife intact while you are attempting to do this. This is where Steve or Jenn Harley can be the most help.<P>3. She's willing to let you raise your daughter. That's abandonment. I know that you don't want to think divorce (and I would encourage you not to), but the bottom line is that if she does leave to go over to the Netherlands---should you end up divorced, you would stand an excellent chance of retaining physical custody of your daughter.<P>Please consider the phone counseling. One thing that Steve or Jenn would do is to "involve" your wife in it by asking her to talk with them about you. This helps you in two ways: it allows them to gather information from your wife about how she feels about the marriage to aid you in your Plan A efforts, and it's a way for them to "educate" your wife about how common affairs are (and this is a bit "overblown", but classic). You DO NOT want to play the "teacher"---it's a lovebuster (disrespectful judgement). Let Steve or Jenn work with her---they're pretty good at doing this.

#403771 12/28/00 12:32 AM
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Steevo36:<BR><B>We have discussed custody and both feel that I would be better suited to do it (financially,spiritually).Some people have suggested post-partum depression/psycosis as this behaviour is 180 degrees turn from her usual personality.</B><P>K has given you some great advice above, and I would follow it to the letter. While my W and I did not suffer any extramarital entanglements, we had drifted apart, and Harley's counseling really helped.<P>On the upside, your W's behavior is SO wacky I almost find it to be encouraging. She has never met this guy, right? And she wants to abandon her new baby to be with him? LOL....I'll bet that lasts about 36 hours.<P>Start Plan A, talk to the Harleys, and I'll wager that you W will come to her senses pretty quick.<P>Happy New Year,<P>Mike

#403772 12/27/00 04:38 PM
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Steevo36<P>There are some excellent articles on the web about the dangers of meeting (in real life) people you've only met and known on the Internet. I can e-mail you a few that I found or post links to them here. <P>A few months ago I went to meet someone I had met in a chat room, and we were amazed to find that even though we were sincere people, and the people we represented ourselves to be, meeting in person was a disaster. It seems that we both had expressed over the net how we felt and what we wanted, but in real life these turned out to be fantasies we either didn't want to do in real life, or fantasies we had built that could never be. We are still friends, but meeting in person was not anything like chatting on the 'net. <P>One question: If he's a responsible man, why doesn't he come to meer her over here? And to be prudent, why doesn't she wait until he comes here? At least she would be in her own country with friends and family who could help her if anything goes wrong, such as his not being who he represents himself to be. <p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited December 27, 2000).]


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