This is the first thing I've entered on this site. I meant to post this on the "profiles" site, hence the title, otherwise I would have thought of something more appropriate to my situation, but not to worry. <P>I'm feeling quite positive about the ideas and concepts shown the Harleys have - it woulsd have helped me to have found this when I had an affair 4 years ago, but at least it's given me insight now. I'm going to get some of the books, and beleive with help we can make the right decision on whether to stay married - that's the ultimate goal right now. Here's my story......I apologise it's a bit long.<P>We've been married for 5 years and known my wife for 7. We have two gorgeous girls, 4 & 15m, whom we are both devoted to. <P>We met when we were both with other partners, though not married or living together, but decided we wanted to be together. We were courting for about a year, then moved in together. It was really tough, we argued all the time, about everything and anything. I had found out just after we met that a one night stand i had around the time my W & I met had turned into a pregnancy, and that the girl had decided to have the baby. I told my W (fiancee at the time) about it, and she agreed to trying to cope with it. This was obviously difficult for her, and many tears followed, not least because we had to pay quite a bit for him every month, but she loved me, and stood by me. I've never seen the baby, who's now 6, a choice both myself & his mum made very early on. In addition to all this, at the time, as well as working full time, I was the singer in a band, and was working 2-3 nights as well. Eventually, the time away from her (at it's peak 3-4 nights a week) became an issue. At the time I saw no wrong in what i was doing - i was addicted to the spotlight and wouldn't give it up. Stupid really, I can see now.<P>We struggled on, still arguing, and then got married, in August 95. (We've both now admitted we had serious doubts as to whether we should have gotten hitched, but family dissapointment and a wish to succeed prevented us from calling it off) <P>Nothing changed after marriage, and after much heartache we eventually decided that we should split, but at the exact same time, my W discovered she was pregnant. We didn't know what to do - we knew we loved each other, that aching, knot in your stomach when you argue, and wings at your feet when you don't kind of love, but just couldn't see a future<P>So,,, we went to counselling, not about the relationship, but about whether to have an abortion.<P>Both for the fact that I desperately loved her, and that neither of us wanted the abortion, our first was born in '97.<P>Anyway, while i was in the band, she found another band whose music she preferred, and started going to see them with her friends. She got close to one of the guitarists, and one night I found them together in a car. At the time she said nothing had gone on between them, but she has admitted since that they had kissed, nothing more. I want to beleive her, but i suppose i still have my doubts - i didn't up until recent events.<P>When my W was pregnant with our first, and I'm still trying to find out exactly why I did this, I got too close with a girl at work. I never loved her, i think i was just looking for appreciation, to talk without shouting, and a shoulder to cry on. I was worried that I would end up alone, and the grass always seems greener...... We slept together twice, and my W found out.<P>We worked on trying to patch things up, well she did, I just carried on in the bands, and didn't really do anything major to make her feel more secure.<P>How selfish was I? Incredibly so.<P>Things improved after i eventually realised what the time away was doing, and stopped the bands altogether in Decemeber 1998. We argued less, and decided to have another baby. To provide better financially, i took another job but this involved training away from home. I got on well with a girl on the course, and out of the blue she told me she felt very deeply for me. We talked about this, but I made it plain i was not interested - I was happy at home. We remained good friends but on the last day of our final week togather, we got very drunk at a formal dinner had the last dance together and kissed.<P>We taked for a few weeks after, usually via text messages on mobiles, but it was nothing, just work stuff. My W found out, and was suspicious, and although nothing happened, I guess my past said enough for her.<P>Our second was born, in 1999, and to be fair to me, I've been loyal to my W since my original abhorration.<P>In perspective, we've been coming along as a couple (I thought), in massive laps & bounds. My job is great, moneys OK, our kids are great, we rarely argue, and can resolve differences. I genuinely thought all the odds were stacked in our favour.<P>But, I was so wound up in being the provider, taking love from her, that I never put enough back. She didn't say anything, but her dissatisfaction came out as "Why do you always sit in front of the TV when you come in", and "I told you that last week - why don't you listen to me?".<P>To try & help us find a way to be more together, we started a business 6 months ago, which involved us working closely with a sponsor. I was suspicious of this person, I didn't feel he was genuine, and I saw how much time they spent together.<P>Anyway, she was caught kissing him by a friend, who told me. She admitted that it had been going on for a month, and that they had slept together.<P>I'm still at home - I'm as confused and worried as she is, as well as being devastated. I can see now how much I've put hr through, I think I just brushed her feelings away, and we never really addressed why i did what I did. <P>We are talking, she fells very confused, and she says she loves both of us, but differently. The OM has asked her to marry him, thinks she's his soulmate, and is prepared to take on the children. He is single, 35, with no kids as yet.<P>My wife says she wants time to make the right decision for everyone, but continues with me at home, talking to him on the net, and phone, and has been away with him to meet his family & friends.<P>I'm trying to go with Plan A but hurting a lot.<P>I beleive the best answer is to find out what was missing to cause both affairs, put it right, forgive & eventually forget.<P>Can we do it, can you help?<P>Thanks for listening.<P>:confused<P>[This message has been edited by McBroon (edited December 28, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by McBroon (edited December 31, 2000).]

Welcome <B>McBroon</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your story is not uncommon...<BR>...and so <B>you are not alone</B>.<P>You've already figured out the best thing you can do is to Plan A...<P>Do check out my post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It is hard work...<BR>It is an uphill battle...<BR>...and there is no guarantee (your marriage will recover)...<P>What I will guarantee...<BR>...is that if you follow Plan A faithfully...<BR>...(and even if you need to move onto Plan B)...<BR>...you regain everything about yourself that is <B>really</B> the most important.<P>Post... Read... Ask...<P> <P>Jim

McBroon,<P>Your wife is very much in the same position my husband was a year ago. He swore up and down that he loved the OW and that they were "soulmates", that he loved me but that we had no spark or anything really in common...he and the OW were pretty much made for each other...( you get the idea ). <BR>He maintained personal contact until March 2000 and work contact until very recently ( i have seen even more progress in our recovery and his attitude towards our marriage and his affair after all contact stopped ).<BR>Plan A is definetly your best plan of attack as well as lots of patience. Sometimes Plan A is harder on a person when their wayward spouse is at home and still seeing the other person...<BR>thats where the boards come into play...come here when you are tired,, frustrated, sad, angry, or just need somebody to listen that understands what you are going through.<BR>Read all you can, post when you need to and work on you through your plan A efforts ( it will pay off in the long run - if not for your marriage and T then for yourself ).<BR>God bless, and give those ttwo girls lots of extra hugs...it will help you and them as well.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Welcome McBroon,<P>Many of us have found that the principles taught on this site really work. I still come here to encourage others. It has been a bit over a year since I found out about my h's affairs and we have a better marriage than we thought possible.<P>In his second affair, he fell in-love and I heard all the same things. He talked about leaving me and our two little ones to pursue a life with OW.<P>There are no guarantees, but it sounds like your W is open to trying. This is very positive and the fact that it has not gone on that long.<P>You can definitely build a future together if you are willing to work at it. If she has agreed to counselling, check out the phone counselling on the site. I guess it is a bit long distance, but Jenn Harley helped us tremendously. The first thing she helped my h to see was that we really couldn't begin to build until he ended all contact with OW, which he did.

Just a few comments-I am the T mentioned in this and I'm not sure i'm happy at my husbands lack of concern 4 my privacy while discussing this. He has mentioned my name albeit accidentally. Anyway, few points 2 make....I was never unfaithful 2 B with the guitarist. When he found me in the car there was also another member of the band in the back seat and we were all just talking cos the gig had been mental & groupies were bothering them...so we got away 2 talk. Yes i was v attracted 2 him but i did no more than kiss him despite this very strong feeling. I saw him for over 3 years altogether and he kept me sane in many ways-we were good friends.<BR>Second, I am in love with S and finding it very hard to deal with. This is not something I looked 4. For somebody so in need of looking after and with the bad job that B himself admits 2 making of that task, I think that 5 years is a long time 2 b faithful 2 someone who admits 2 having flings with people he didn't even care about. The girl who had his baby after we met is another example of his inability 2 control his urges when an offer is made....<BR>I don't want 2 sound like the bitter heartless cow who is trampling all over this guy's feelings but bware..There r always 2 sides 2 every story and B is a very good storyteller.<BR>I have agreed 2 counselling bcos I want 2 get this sorted one way or another and with the girls best interests at heart. I still love Billy bcos I have compassion and I can empathise-I know only 2 well how he feels. He hurt me very badly, both times when I was especially emotionally vulnerable-when I was pregnant. I have alot of anger inside me bcos of that and this is one of the things I want 2 let go.<BR>I will look forward 2 hearing what u all make of this.

Welcome <B>cleoc4t</B>...<P>I welcome you the same way I welcomed your H (<B>McBroon</B>).<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your decision here is critical to so many people... your H... your girls... and most of all <B>you</B>.<P>Can you look yourself in the eye... 5... 10 15... years down the road...<BR>...and say "follow my example ladies".<P>You know... with some really good effort...<BR>...your marriage can be saved<BR>...your girls will respect you<BR>...your H <B>will change</B> (long term)<P>...but for right now... you're in the proverbial "fog"....<BR>...since <B>S</B> is in the picture.<P>You really won't know if <B>S</B> is right...<BR>...until you give your marriage a real try<BR>...and to do that... a big step needs to be made<BR>...give up <B>S</B>!<P>Without giving up <B>S</B>...<BR>...your efforts at reconciliation are meaningless...<BR>...and you'll never have given your marriage a true try a happiness.<P>I'm not on the side of the man...<BR>I'm not on the side of the Faithful Spouse(FS)<BR>...I'm on the side keeping the most important relationship <B>you</B> have... <BR>...and your children look up... healthy.<P>That's why we're here at Marriage Builders.<P>Don't take offense that your H identified you...<BR>...on the Internet... (in particularly here at MB)... there is adequate privacy... because everyone here... will respect you and your privacy.<P> <P>Jim

I've edited my post to remove names, i should have been more discreet.