I found out my wife of 21 years is having at least on online affair, but may (or will) include a PA . She refuses to admit to any of it. After reading "Surviing the Affair" I have entered, without her knowing, Plan "A". Despite very overt of her love for me (more sex, constant affirmations of her love, etc, she is stillkeeping contact (or trying) with the OM. she has a girlfriend in on it too and they frequently talk of him. I have monitored her online actions and knows she is trying to keep the relationship. I know that my actions under Plan A are being noticed (and though these actions are part of a "plan" they are most heart felt)but how do I deal with the deep feeling of betrayal? It is tearing me very soul apart to know what she has said of me and the actions she continues to carry out (online) while professing love and devotion for me. Please. someone that has lived it tell me how you did faced the pain!!!!!

Bgun -<BR>I can't really identify with the online bit, my wife has gone the whole hog, but I imagine it hurts just as much. You need to be strong, and show her that your love is strong too. Don't blow up, but ask her to talk over your fears & concerns. Be calm and know how & why you feel as you do before explaining it to her. Above all, be honest - if you convey your hurt & say you want to work together to stop it, it will be more effective than telling her it must stop.<P>I'm only at the beginning too, so if you, like me are feeling confused, I'll try to help & support.<P>One of my close friends said to me "If you have thought hard about what to say & do, think twice as hard again before you actually say or do it".<P>Why has your wife sought this affair? And what has she done? I've learnt recently that to accuse & presume can easily make your loved one go further than they may otherwise have done. We have a saying in England - "I'd rather be hung for a sheep as a lamb". In other words, if you are assuming I'm doing it, and I'm to be punished for it, I might as well do it.<P>What can you do?<P>Only you can know what your relationship is like, but I commend you on your starting plan A. Be the best that you can. Show her why she fell for you in the first place. If she's willing to talk, look at the emotional needs section of this site - what are you doing wel, and what does she wish you were doing well?<P>Be honest - tell her how this is making you feel, and that you'd like her to help you cope.<P>Look at your relationship - why has she sought something else. What can this man offer that she finds so intriguing.<P>I hope you work it out - I beleive we are not mean to solve our problems alone - we are ofte too close to the situation to find answers ourselves. If there is love there it will find a way - my thoughts are with you.

One of the hardest things to do...<BR>...is to forgive yourself first...<P>See the "forgiveness" section in my post...<A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_OUS.html" TARGET=_blank>Other Useful Sites</A>.<P>Your pain will lessen only by doing all you can in your Plan A...<BR>...and do realize...<BR>...it(Plan A) is to improve <B>you</B>!!!<BR>...not just to meet your W's ENs.<P> <P>Jim