Hey. I am 26 years old with 2 children, (1 stepson at the age of 9 and one 10 month old baby.) My wife and I have been married less than a year, and she has already revealed to me that she is having an affair. The man she is having the affair with lives less than 2 miles away, and she is now at the "peak" of it. It has almost been 2 weeks now and I have considered divorce as an option, and even talked to a lawyer. All of my friends and immediate family say that I should divorce her and move on with my life, but for the sake of my kids and the love I hold for my wife, I try to cope with the pain until I somehow find a solution. I have read some most of Dr. Harley's advice on the "infidelity" section, and I know that if i kick my pride out of the way, I can talk to my wife in a peaceful and understanding manner. I already know that she is obsessed with this man b/c of the fulfillment of conversation and good sex she gets from him. Right now she is only focused on him and her real true priorities in life are out of whack - (the marriage, the kids, etc.) The one thing that helps me hang on is that she is the most HONEST person I have ever met. If I ask her questions and talk to her in an understanding way, she'll give me truthful answers. Before I start trying to fill her emotional needs, I need to somehow break her of this affair without her resenting me in the process. Its already been 2 weeks - do I have to wait another week until I can expect the affair to die down? I don't see that happening...<P>I am HUUUGE on family values and marriage - I am the spiritual leader of this family and I will do everything in my power to end her affair, help her through the withdrawals, and start focusing on what I can do to fufill her needs...<P>Any advice will definatley be of use, and I will need some quickly...<P>Thanks.<BR>

This is so very sad. You have been married<BR>less than a year and she admits she is continuing in an affair because it leads to good conversation and good sex. You ask will it burn out in a couple of weeks. The answer is no because why should it. Apparently she is able to have sex with this guy under your nose being married less than a year and there is no negative outcomes for her. You are in fact enabling her by allowing this to continue. What are the consequences for her behavior? There seems to be none. Are these the type of values you want to teach your children. Your message indicates that you wife is not remorseful and continues her sexual relationship with this man. Why should she stop when she has you supporting her?<BR>My guess is that it will not stop until there are negative consequences to her behavior.<BR>You say she is the most honest person. Was she being honest when she said her marriage vows less than a year ago and then proceeded to have a sexual affair and continues to engage it regardless of your feelings. I think that you are in denial. Please seek counseling for yourself at least.<BR>

Be as strong as you can - i too am in a very similar situation (posted elsewhere on this page). I suggest you take a look at what this OM is giving your wife that you have not, and talk openly with her about how she can work with you to strat & provide them. The emotional questionnaire is useful. <P>Plan A is a hard road, but the right one to win back all her commitment. If she's still there with you there's a chance your marriage does not ned to end in divorce.<P>Ignore those who tell you to end it now - you both need to look at what's happened in your relationship and what's missing, then sensibly decide whether there is a future together. READ THROUGH ALL THIS SITE, and if possible, ask your wife to red through it as well.<P>You are probably meeting some of her needs right now, but might have overlooked some of the ones on which SHE places priority. If you are the best you can be in this difficult time, continue meeting the needs you have, but start to meet those she start to meet more of her needs, especially the ones that her OM isn't, she will see how good it can be. READ through the section on "how to deal with a wayward wife", and "Lovebusters". They have helped me.<P>My Wife is still seeing her OM, but we have agreed so far to look at what's missing and whether it can be found.<P>Best of luck.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by crazy flower:<BR><B>Hey. I am 26 years old with 2 children, (1 stepson at the age of 9 and one 10 month old baby.) My wife and I have been married less than a year, and she has already revealed to me that she is having an affair. The man she is having the affair with lives less than 2 miles away, and she is now at the "peak" of it. It has almost been 2 weeks now and I have considered divorce as an option, and even talked to a lawyer. All of my friends and immediate family say that I should divorce her and move on with my life, but for the sake of my kids and the love I hold for my wife, I try to cope with the pain until I somehow find a solution. I have read some most of Dr. Harley's advice on the "infidelity" section, and I know that if i kick my pride out of the way, I can talk to my wife in a peaceful and understanding manner. I already know that she is obsessed with this man b/c of the fulfillment of conversation and good sex she gets from him. Right now she is only focused on him and her real true priorities in life are out of whack - (the marriage, the kids, etc.) The one thing that helps me hang on is that she is the most HONEST person I have ever met. If I ask her questions and talk to her in an understanding way, she'll give me truthful answers. Before I start trying to fill her emotional needs, I need to somehow break her of this affair without her resenting me in the process. Its already been 2 weeks - do I have to wait another week until I can expect the affair to die down? I don't see that happening...<P>I am HUUUGE on family values and marriage - I am the spiritual leader of this family and I will do everything in my power to end her affair, help her through the withdrawals, and start focusing on what I can do to fufill her needs...<P>Any advice will definatley be of use, and I will need some quickly...<P>Thanks.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I am 6 mos into discovery. At present my "H" is away (in self exile)for 10 days. Before he left he gave the no-contact letter to OW (who happens to be my sister in law). Told me he's dedicated to saving and rebuilding our marriage of 30 years.<BR>My point is...You are exactly where I was 6mos ago. You need to do what's right for you...there are no cut and dry rules in this game we call infedelity. I hurts and hurts bad! When the dust settles you will learn more about yourself your mate your relationship with God. Remember (i know it's tough to think this way) perfection in this world is not the prize...it's the journey...and what you take from it. Hopefuly you will take maost of the positive and leave the rest for someone else to learn from. Embrace the pain and with prayer and help from your God walk through it.<BR>Agree with others on this site...read and apply Harleys concepts. You can only change and control you...this will have an impact on your wife and probably she will react differently...that may be good and maybe not.<P>there is a thread on one of these boards,it may be recovery or general Question the title is "What changed my mind" I emailed this to my "H" it had a huge impact on him. Because he too like your wife is/was an honest person with integrity and respect kind and loving. But then again he must have been ready to recieve this thread.<BR>I also must pass on one piece of advise...be careful of the details you ask your wife about the OM because these sometimes unnecessary details will jump up to bite you in the backside (if you get my drift)when you least expect it. That was very valuable advise to me in the beginning. i do have all the details I need to go forward if my marriage is to grow. I know I could not if I knew how and what they did with each other...yuk! <BR>Take care of yourself and kids. You'll find LOVING support here.<BR>D/2000

Thanks McBroon and Discovery. You guys helped shed a little more light on the subject than Bryanp did. But then again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.<P>

Welcome <B>crazy flower</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Do this even if your W is truly wayward...<BR>...and do it for you!<P>I too am very "HUUUGE on family values and marriage - (and) I (too) am the spiritual leader of (my) family "...<BR>...but make no mistakes about it...<BR>...no one can guarantee marital recovery.<P><I>"...do I have to wait another week until I can expect the affair to die down?"...</I><BR>That time frame is way too optimistic...<BR>...it could/should take much more than that.<P><I>"I will do everything in my power to end her affair</I>"...<BR>You can end it...<BR>...she has to feel she can end it<BR>...it (the affair) is very much an addiction<BR>...so <B>yes</B> you can support her<BR>...you can guide her beliefs in you and what you do (i.e. Plan A)<BR>...but you cannot <B>make</B> her stop.<P>DO " fufill her needs..."!!!<P>Look at this as a long term journey...<BR>...and (from a realists point of view)...<BR>...be aware of the possiblity of needing a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... down the road.<P>Stay here and you'll get much support.<P> <P>Jim