I made my H call the OW as soon as I found out and made him break it off. They seemed to be consoling eachother before I finally told him to stop it. He never said "I never loved you" to the OW or "I love my wife and never really wanted you" or "I used you." It was very painful for me to sit there and listen to them console eachother about their actions and the consequences that they were having to face for those actions. That is still very painful to think about. I wanted so much for him to stand up for our marriage and tell her that it was me that he always wanted, not her. When all this was going on, I felt disgust for him. He seemed so weak to me. To full of guilt. The "controlling" part of me definitely came out. I was telling him what to do and what to say. Calling her to break it off was my idea, not his. I even told him to tell her that he did not love her during their conversation. The problem is that it did not come from him, from his heart. I felt like it was more a "see you later" than a "goobye". I t was so pathetic. I wish that I could make him write her a letter about all that we have talked about. I wish that he would tell her all the things he has told me about the affair. I know that this won't come from him either though. <P>How do I take this pain away? <P>

I happen to think the fact that he called her at all was enough. I had to do that once and it wasn't the fact that I cared about the OW that made it hard, it was that I felt actually threatened by my W at the time and I was ashamed and embarrased that she forced me to say something against what I actually felt, but I did it for her and it was a struggle for me to do it.

Phil4:13,<P>First of all, I am sorry for your pain... it's awful, I know.<P>Re: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I even told him to tell her that he did not love her during their conversation. The problem is that it did not come from him, from his heart.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know how much you wanted to hear those words, but "forcing" him to say them means nothing if he didn't mean it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I wanted so much for him to stand up for our marriage and tell her that it was me that he always wanted, not her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The million dollar question is: was it you that he always wanted? <P>I'm afraid that I agree with hangingbyathread on this one. Your H was obviously trying to make you happy by calling... it was a great effort on his part. The better way to have done it would have been for <B>both</B> of you to sit down a write a script that you both could live with. One where he ends the relationship in no uncertain terms. No consoling, no lies. <P>And, when hanging said... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...threatened by my W at the time and I was ashamed and embarrased that she forced me to say something against what I actually felt<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> ...it broke my heart. Maybe your H felt like that??<P>He's obviously trying to work on your marriage. On your side, don't expect the pain to just disappear... it takes TIME... he's still going through withdrawl, which is natural (it hurts everyone like hell, but it's reality), and you are still reeling from the pain yourself. Time, that's what it's gonna take!!<BR>

Phil,<P>I know how you want to control your husband into telling off the other woman. Unfortunately he likely doesn't feel about her the way you do. I tried getting my wife to send other man letter, cut it off, etc. Thought it was over twice and it started up all over again despite all my controls. Thats the tough part about this whole thing is that you only have control over you. Trying to control your husband, will likely lead to much resentment (trust me on this one). As tough as it is, all you can do is try to give your husband reason to come back to the marriage and work on it. As angry as you are at him, try to control him or forcing his hand will likely push him out of the marriage again. It is harder then heck to do, but I think that is the way it is. Have you read Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" or any others? If not, you should so you can understand why affairs happen and how to get over them. Good luck and much patience.

Thanks to all for the advice. I have the book, but I have not finished reading it yet.