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#404167 12/30/00 01:16 AM
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My wife has just informed me that she wants to give up on our marriage, and has asked for a divorce. In the process, she informed me that she had an affair 16 years ago, and she can't believe I didn't know about it! She told me who it was with, but I don't know any details on length or anything.<P>I am extremely committed to continuing our marriage, both for the sake of our kids (13 and 11), and because I love her very much. She is convinced that our marriage cannot recover.<P>We have been married for 20 years, most of which has been spent in a state of withdrawal on both are parts.<P>What can I do to convince her, and to start our marriage on the path to recovery? Can marriages recover after affairs, or are we doomed to failure as she is convinced?<P>Your thoughts would be appreciated.

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Welcome <B>verylost</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There is no quick fix/silver bullet... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>But what you can do is start on the MB principle of sound marriages through what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It may seem hard to swallow...<BR>...and something that will take a long time...<BR>...but it is your best option.<P>Even if it doesn't reach your end goal of reconciliation...<BR>...it will aid you on one of the hardest of life's journeys.<P>There are many success stories...<BR>...many in the making through a lot of struggle (see the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A> forum)<BR>...your can be one too (but no guarantees)<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Jim, Thanks for your response. I have been reading about Plan A, and am not sure how it applies in my circumstances. As far as I know, the affair occurred and ended 16 years ago. There is no issue of getting the affair to stop and preventing them from seeing each other.<P>Where do I go from here? I have just gotten her to agree to separate therapy (very reluctantly). Her goal is still to convince me that nothing can be done, and there is nothing left to do but get divorced.<P>How do I convince her otherwise? How do I convince her that I can and have forgiven her for her affair?

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Very Lost: I'm sorry for your pain, and for the pain you will be going through. To convince your wife is not going to help. "Love" your wife. Woo her like you did when you first dated her. Show her why she married you. Don't withdraw, be impulsive and spontaneous, bring her flowers "just because" tell her how beautiful she is, talk about your dreams for the two of you, and your retirement hopes and include her more in your life. I know for me, and I am the wife here, I feel alone when my H. doesn't include me with just daily talking. H. doesn't bring me flowers "just because" I haven't gotten flowers in years. I need to feel wanted, loved, and included as an equal. My advice is to read "Her needs, His Needs" and see if that helps. SHOW HER! Actions always speak louder than words. LOVE HER! Let her know that you would marry her all over again, despite the affair. her guilt maybe what is pushing her over to divorce. Let her know that you NEED her, and that you WANT her, and that you have FORGIVEN her and want to GROW old with her... tell her from your heart. I wish you luck! gn

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by verylost:<BR><B> As far as I know, the affair occurred and ended 16 years ago.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi VL,<P>I so sorry for the shock and pain you are going through.<P>I may be out on a limb here, but the confession of an ancient affair combined with a sudden pell-mell rush for divorce court awakens a suspicion in me that there is another shoe to fall. Could it be that the revelation of the 16 year old affair was just sort of softening the beaches for more current news to follow? <P>At any rate, I would try as step one to get her to agree to some counseling, and thenb to get on the phone with Steve Harley and start to recover your marriage.<P>Best Wishes,<P>Mike <BR>

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Mike,<BR>Thanks for your thoughts. Based on what I know, I believe you are wrong, but will consider the possibility. In any case, she has reluctantly agreed to separate counciling, but refuses to go together. We'll see if she will follow through on it. This gives me a small window of hope to start with.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by verylost:<BR><B>In any case, she has reluctantly agreed to separate counciling, but refuses to go together. We'll see if she will follow through on it. This gives me a small window of hope to start with.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would strongly advise you to both try the phone counseling with Steve Harley. My W was also very reluctant, and I think the ability to do the counseling in the comfort and privacy of our home helped her embrace the process. <P>


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