Last Jan 99 my husband found out I had had an affair.Although it had been over for 2 years, it has lasted about 3 years with lots of off and ons. We started therapy right away. My husband David and I have been married 20 years, no children, and do everything together. We are close, but have not been really emotionally close in many years. I think we both felt comfortable with this, chosing to have a very nice life without conflict.<P>The first 6 months of therapy I had to deal with getting over the past affair, something I had never done. My husband <BR>needed me, but I could not fully turn to him until I had put the other man aside.<P>I also learned many things about my past and why I shut down emotionally (my husband and I are very similar in childhood experiences and he felt comfortable shutting down also) and I realized that I wanted to have a fully committed marriage with my husband whom I truly love.<P>But my coming around to him and offering the love and affection he had been missing did not seem to interest him. I could not figure out why we were still in the same place and had not been able to move on in the healing process. I began to suspect that now HE was having an affair and it was because of that that prevented him turning to me in a commited way. I asked him about this many times over the course of several months and he always denied it. He would spit these words at me-I was the bad person who had the affair-he would never do something like that to me.<P>I kept trying to put my suspicions behind me because why would he continue to get therapy and work on the relationship if he were involved with someone else.<P>But the suspicions continued and eventually I found him having a drink with another woman, sitting in a cafe with his hand on hers. It was a woman he had been friends with a few years ago;they were both in a noon-time running group.<BR>She is now a therapist of sorts who works with elderly people in hospitals.<P>They both denied they were having an affair-just friends and he was there consoling her on the death of a patient, etc. I wanted to believe this, and felt that now he could be honest with me that he did have a woman friend he had been seeing but didn't want to tell me about. But this did not seem so put the picture to right either. I still felt there was something wrong that I couldn't put my finger on. I was very loving and understanding with my husband, just wanting to tell him how much I loved him and wanted our marriage to be even better, etc.<P>But he would not come to the table and meet me. He seemed only marginally interested in what I was offering.<P>Soon after I found them together, he went out of town and after he came back, I checked his hotel receipt and found he had called her every night while he was gone. I confronted him about this in the therapist's office a few days later and challenged him to tell me the truth and let's start from that moment to an honest relationship.<P>He refused, and instead, announced he was moving out. I was shocked and very distressed. But in the next few days we were closer and had better talks and sex and intimacy than we had had in years. We dedcided to date and still have sex.<P>But in the 2 months, he has seemed to pull back from me and I have reason to think that he still sees the other woman and it is more than just friendship.I don't think he is being honest. I am afraid to confront him-it will just drive him away. He was very hurt by me.Will this just go away? Is it a phase? I am tortured by the situation.<P>Shirley Ann<P>------------------<BR>Shirley

Welcome <B>Shirley Ann</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>No matter where you are... Plan A is the way to go!<P>Immediate get into some counseling...<BR>...to keep communications open!<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Stay around...<BR>...ask... read... post!<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Shirley Ann:<BR><B>But in the 2 months, he has seemed to pull back from me and I have reason to think that he still sees the other woman and it is more than just friendship.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Shirley Ann,<P>I'm confused...did your H move out, or is he still at home?<P>I agree that he is probably in at least an emotional affair with this woman. True recovery from your affair probably still lies ahead of him. I think you need to listen to NSR's advice and get into some counseling...the Harley's are great. <P>Good luck,<P>Mike<P> <BR>

Dear Mike,<BR>Thanks for post. H did move out 2 months ago. We have been in therapy for almost a year, although we have not been there together in Thanksgiving.<P>H and I had very long talk yesterday and he is citing issues from our marriage-he says I withdrew from him emotionally and he let that pass (we were married 20yrs)<P>The disappointment/hurt/betrayal after he found out about affair are too much. I think that after he found out about affair, he started confiding in a woman friend and that he as been relating to her with his hurt, etc instead of me. <P>Now that he's moved out, we have so much less time together and I don't know how much time he spends with her. I don't think its physical but the emotional is probably stronger esp for my H.<P>He is still sort of working on things with me-but he sees the other relationship as a possibliity. (this from a male friend).<P>I want to tell him that his involvement with her saps the energy from us, but I am afraid to do that because he has never been completely honest about OW and I am afraid of pushing him straight to her.<P>Is there a way I can handle that in a de-fused way? I feel that we need to spend more time together having fun, doing things, and not just grinding on about the relationship. It is very hard once a separation has occured.<P>------------------<BR>Shirley

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Shirley Ann:<BR><B>H and I had very long talk yesterday and he is citing issues from our marriage-he says I withdrew from him emotionally and he let that pass (we were married 20yrs). The disappointment/hurt/betrayal after he found out about affair are too much.</B><P>Well, it is a good thing that you two are having these sort of discussions. I think that is the root of the problem.<P>If you haven't done so, you may want to read the article here on recovering from infidelity: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <P>It has a section on overcoming resentment.<P>You are right, it is very difficult to Plan A from a distance. If I were you, I would focus my energies on getting him back in the house, even if it is for a trial period before a divorce. Share with him what you have learned about recovering from infidelity. Try to meet his needs for affection. Try to be the emotionally open partner he needs.<P>If he won't move back in immediately, try to set a dating schedule where you can do fun things together. <P>Mike<P>