Well my girlfriend of 1.5 years is having an affair with a guy she works with. I walked out 2 days before Xmas after confirming this she wanted me to stay and take care of her 3 boys while she continued doing what she wants with this guy. I told her no and went and told the guys wife-she had her suspicions as well. Now my gf has changed the locks, drained the joint accounts and boyfriend moved in Dec 24 becuz he had "no place to go". She chose to spend Xmas with this guy rather than her own kids and family so he wouldn't be alone. I called and spoke to a lawyer and he said that i can order to have the house sold but i want to work on the relationship. Today she called me for the first time since all this has happened saying she was sorry has not been able to sleep, lost weight and didn't want me to go but i'm feeling like i've been used and am torn right now. I just know that i'm not going back until some things change (ie stop seeing the boyfriend) He has been married for 30 years with 3 kids of his own and is 10 years older than my girlfriend. Neither one of them has enough seniority to get past the layoffs that are coming down the line at their factory so they will lose everything but they are so wrapped up in each other right now they are not seeing what the consequences are going to be. I know my gf is feeling guilty becuz never before has she not been able to look me in the eye like the other day when i was over there getting some more of my belongings (with the police) just to ensure no problems. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated becuz i really don't know what to do right now i miss my gf and her kids deeply.

AC67,<BR>Well here is my advice, you may not like it. Run, “Run like hell.” You are not married to this woman, 1.5 years of dating/living together is in no way enough history in which to survive the battle you are about to undergo to save this relationship. While it is true almost all of the folks here and in Recovery want to save their relationships, they typically have a longer history in which to draw from. I know you must feel great attachment to her children since you mentioned them, but if they are not yours, you are not responsible for them. She is, and she is the one who chose this. <BR>Spend some time here, go to the recovery group and read the postings, you may get a sense of what I’m talking about. Even read the book “Surviving an Affair” and “His Needs/Her Needs” They will help you understand the part you played in this and help you heal. They will also be a great guide for your next relationship. I am in no way trying to diminish you're anguish. It is no doubt equal to anyone's here. But I’ll say it again. “Run like Hell”<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AC67:<BR><B>Now my gf has changed the locks, drained the joint accounts and boyfriend moved in Dec 24 becuz he had "no place to go"./// Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated becuz i really don't know what to do right now i miss my gf and her kids deeply.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, it seems like you really don't have a play to execute while this guiy is living there. In effect, you have launched into a Plan B, and, frankly, maybe that is not such a bad thing for right now. She is in the throes of this affair, and until that subsides, there probably isn't much opportunity for you to make any headway on the relationship. <P>You should look over the EN and LB questionaires with an eye toward her needs and your lovebusters....also assess how the OM might be meeting her needs or avoiding LBs in ways that you can improve upon, should you be given the chance.<P>You should be polite and calm with her, burn no bridges, start no gossip, and let the situation play out for awhile.<P>Oswald makes some good points. You are fortunate not to be married right now. You would be facing a drastic financial smack if you were. A friend of mine was briefly married to a woman who came with 2 children, and he wound up with monstrous child support. Judges tend to come down on the side of the welfare of the child.<P>If your girlfriend pulled this stunt on your just a 1.5 years into your relationship, when you should still be in the honeymoon phase, that may give you pause for the future. <P>If I were you, I would move rapidly on the house issue. Get a sherrif and move all of your stuff and furniture out of that house post haste. Let the physical reality of breaking with you and teaming up with this guy be apparent in her day to day life. Maybe it all won't seem quite as romantic when they eating at a card table in the dining room.<P>You say you are reluctant to do this because you want to "work on the relationship." While the OM is living in your house, there is no chance for that. You are under no obligation to pay his rent while he plays house with your girlfriend, for pete's sake. She changed the locks....she has to realize what your legal rights are. By forcing some fiscal reality on the two lovebirds, you may cause a change in that lovey relationship. Let them start fighting about money. <P>I would do what you can to avoid this being a lovebuster, write a note explaining that you don't want to do it, but since she is in a new relationship, you need to regroup your life and your own housing situation and have to pull your financial situation together. <P>Mike

Well here is the update- boxing day the guy went back to my house after work and moved his stuff out to his 85 year old moms house where he is now residing. My gf has called me the past two days hysterical for me to take responsibilty for this whole thing and come back home i said i was only responsible for not fulfilling her needs but she should have come to me rather than go outside our relationship to find comfort. Told her that i didn't want to rush back into the situation and just have something else happen without the proper counselling if any. They are still seeing each other as "they can only talk to each other" everyone else is majorly ticked off at them so they are not willing to end it as of yet. I've read where the affair lasts only about three weeks after its exposed so i'm just trying to ride it out and see what happens. At least we are talking anyway that's a start right ?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AC67:<BR><B>They are still seeing each other as "they can only talk to each other" everyone else is majorly ticked off at them so they are not willing to end it as of yet. I've read where the affair lasts only about three weeks after its exposed so i'm just trying to ride it out and see what happens. At least we are talking anyway that's a start right ?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess, although I'm not liking what I am hearing from her end.<P>You mention elsewhere that she has rung up 7 thousand dollars this month on a new joint credit card. Get your name off that card, and consult an attorney about disentangling all financial connections with her, including the house.<P>It's nice that she is talking to you, but let's not forget that she cheated and lied to you, locked you out of your house, moved her new BF in, and abused your trust and possibly your credit. It seems to me like there are some basic issues of respect that you need to set straight. It doesn't have to be done in a mean-spirited way, but do what you have to do to protect yourself financially.<P>If she is eager to reconcile, ask her what the plan is on repaying that credit card. And until the OM is totally out of the picture, I wouldn't even discuss moving back in. <P>Excuse me for being blunt, but she sounds pretty treacherous, and she is playing you for a patsy.<BR>

You should consider yourself lucky. Follow Oswald's advice and ditch her immediately. This is preview of what your married life with her will be...except you will be more financially liable. This women is bad news.

Well update- yesterday went out to the house becuz she asked if i could bring out a copy of Dec bills cuz i took all the files for my lawyer when she locked me out. She had called where i'm staying at and started crying when i asked her if she had slept with this guy she said yes and then said "i love you Anne. I really made a big mistake" i said i love you to but i don't like this affair. So i went out and was going to drop off the bills and she wouldn't open the door to take the envelope or give me my mail. So i went to the police and they went to the house with me and i picked up my mail, dropped off her copy of the bills and picked up some more of my stuff. Then asked her when we could get together in a neutral place to discuss the house and my furniture that's still there. I just don't get how one minute she can be all remorseful and the next just turn right around and be totally opposite the next minute and its really confusing for me. She doesn't want to deal with the house issue i think she just wants to keep her options open if this Gus guy doesn't work out. I am at the point where i just want to cut all ties and start to carry on. Then she can really get the space she says she needs to figure out wht's going on. So i'm back at the point where she is controlling all the moves but in the very near future things will start to move along.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AC67:<BR><B>So i'm back at the point where she is controlling all the moves but in the very near future things will start to move along.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm with Oswald on this one. Run like hell. Get your stuff and don't look back.<P>Bama<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by AC67:<BR><B>She had called where i'm staying at and started crying when i asked her if she had slept with this guy she said yes and then said "i love you Anne. I really made a big mistake" i said i love you to but i don't like this affair.</B><P>I think that was a good answer. I guess I'm a little slow on the uptake here, but you are a female? I'm not sure if that changes the dynamics, but there are some other situations here like that. I don't know if it is better or worse, but it was said in one case that at least the WS was in a different sort of relationship, and not just replacing the BS.<P><B>I just don't get how one minute she can be all remorseful and the next just turn right around and be totally opposite the next minute and its really confusing for me.</B><P>It is easier to talk on the phone than face someone you've hurt like this.<P><B>I am at the point where i just want to cut all ties and start to carry on.</B><P>I think that is wise as an attitude and strategy right now. As long as you do everything calmly and graciously, none of your actions are irreversible, and may even awaken her to the reality of the consequences of her actions.<P><B>So i'm back at the point where she is controlling all the moves but in the very near future things will start to move along.</B><P>What moves is she controlling? You should be able to get everything you need accomplished under the law.<BR>