I am so happy to find this site. I have spent the better part of this evening reading posts. I feel somewhat bad because so many of you are going through things so much worse than what I am. I hope I don't sound rediculous..I have to get this out. <P>My H and I have been married 14 years (as of Dec 6) On Dec 4 he told me that he thought we should seperate..because *I* needed to find out what I really wanted and he wanted me to be happy. This is completely out of the blue. Although we have been working through some issues (basically just life in general together) I thought we were doing great, although now I look back and see I wasn't telling him about the good stuff. Anyway, he applied for and took a job (leaving a great paying job of almost 6 years) even though *we* discussed it and *I thought* decided that if the new company didn't offer at least the same amount of money and he wasn't going to be salary (no overtime pay...been there, hated it!) then he wouldn't take the job. Well, the day came for them to make the offer and H called me to let me know that he TOOK THE JOB! Making $4000 a year LESS than the job he was leaving and SALARY..which means tons of hours and not getting paid for it. We have 4 children (ages 13, 8, 6 & almost 4) who are very close to their daddy and have never had to go without seeing him. Anyway, this new job was a boost for him...he is now a boss, in charge, for a change. The drawback (not counting the money..which we can deal with) is that he went from working 6am to 2pm to 12:30pm to anywhere from 10pm to 2 or 3am...depends on what is happening. This is very hard to adjust to. He never sees the kids..except for his days off (Fri & Sat) and I resent being the only parent available to them. We had a huge discussion in Jan about him helping with the kids more and giving me a chance to be more than just "mom". I have been a Stay At Home Mom for 13 years...usually literally "stuck" home, because of our vehicle situation. I'm sure there are some out there that know how nuts you can feel after staying home for years on end. Anyway... I hate his new job.. he's always gone, completely ignored my birthday (in Nov) and then told me that we should seperate... I asked if there was someone else and he said Yes.. he met her at work (less than a couple of weeks!) He finally admitted that he wanted the freedom to be with her, maybe love her and she made him happy without changing... the last was his answer to my saying I would change my additude. Anyway... he kept saying that I always put him down and wasn't happy with what he did get right...which is true for the most part...but he wasn't seeing *why*.. He thought I was angry at him, so he didn't like coming home.. which is a real killer, because I was angry because his new job was taking all of his time and not letting us have any time together. We've discussed this and he says that he was just confused and he hasn't had any contact with *her* since the day he told me about her. He said nothing every happened..they just talked at work and he liked the way she made him feel. She is his age (34) I'm 31 (yes we were married when I was 17) not married and has two kids. Anyway.. he says she is not an issue at all, but I have such a hard time dealing with the fact that she was. He *says* that she quit a few weeks ago, but I only know her first name (if he told me the truth) and have no way of knowing if she really quit, or if he really isn't having contact with her. I've been trying so hard to get over it and not make an issue of it, but I can't seem to get past the fact that he let someone else come between us..and no matter how he has treated me (he has always had a problem with being thoughtful, remembering to do little things, holidays.etc...)I have not let someone else between us. I have gotten mad and brought it up, but I have never let someone else threaten my marriage. I guess what I'm wondering is how do I get the trust back...this isn't the first time my trust has been put to the test, but that's a whole other story..one which really didn't happen..but it took me years to find out the truth that my best friend was lying about. Anyway.. I feel so betrayed and at the same time so badly that I can't just take his word for it. I'm so mad that he would hurt me this way and put our family at risk. He says that he feels so guilty for being attracted to someone else and that he said he thought we should separate because he felt so terrible that he let me down and didn't feel worthy of us working it out. I'm not sure if I buy that or if he is just saying everything possible to make me stay. He is very willing (or so he says right now) to make us work, and I'm scared if I don't push it all to the side and stop bringing it up that it will get to the point that he is tired of hearing about it. He says that he understands it will take time for me to deal with it, and if he *needs* to be griped at, or whatever, then I should do it.. but what I don't get, is why is it okay now..but wasn't a month ago? When he told me that there was someone else...and proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to hurt me, but he wanted *her* too, I felt the same way that I felt when I received the phone call that my little sister (3 days before her 15th bday) had been killed in an auto accident in 1997. I wanted to die too. It felt the same.. I was helpless to make it better. It also kills me that he won't answer my questions about *her*. I feel like he is trying to keep *her* to himself...sort of like a cherished memory... OR like he's protecting *her* from me. I just don't know.<P>From reading this site I do realise that for the majority of our marriage I have tried to me a Martyr of sorts.. making everyone else happy and ignoring myself. And I've resented my H for not seeing that I was doing it..which is stupid..but true. <P>Well, sorry this got so long. My H has always been my best friend and I don't have friends to talk to, and I don't want to talk about it too much with my mom or sister, because I don't want them to have bad feelings towards my husband.<P>Take care everyone and thanks for listening!<BR>Happy New Year!
