The bitter futility of my life (as I now live it)<BR>Penetrates briefly into the deep space which inhabits me, <BR>illuminating the rawness of my wounds . . .<P>Yet, even this brutal awareness<BR>is unable to stand firm <BR>under the weight of oblivion.<P>No matter how badly (or desperately)<BR>I'll want to choose you . . .<BR>I can't.<BR>It is imperative that you understand.<BR>No one<BR>No body<BR>No one thing<BR>On this earth is<BR>Enough<BR>for me,<BR>Except you.<P>Inevitably, the time came <BR>I became immersed in the<BR>glare of the shard glass in <BR>my heart.<BR>I was unable to slow<BR>or stop<BR>the devastating downfall.<P>In the end, giving<BR>my demon<BR>final say.<P>I cryed out, "I can''t. Not again. I can't run to him."<BR>But I did.<BR>Each time I did<BR>I ravaged through your life<BR>(leaving the remnants of my ugliness to serve as a memory)<BR>I didn't want to - but I did.<BR>I do.<BR>And I instill sorrow that breaks<BR>my heart<BR>and yours.<P>It should have been the end then, <BR>when I ravaged last.<BR>(and told you of your son)<BR>But it wasn't.<BR>It was the beginning<BR>Of the end.<P>Wanting you<BR>Invites sadness so thick<BR>it stifles the will<BR>I need to survive<BR>the loss;<P>Turning the desire I have for you<BR>into a self-destruction<BR>of sorts.<P>You, out of necessity,<BR>have smothered,<BR>time and again<BR>the torch you carry for me,<BR>and yet - <BR>in a small corner of your soul<BR>I believe a small candle still flickers - <BR>I know it does<BR>You remind me each new time<BR>We ravage <BR>One another.<P>I often wonder if <BR>I am a wistful regret <BR>dwelling in your heart<BR>which echoes softly<BR>if at all.<P>There is <BR>an anger now.<BR>The intensity which is fueled <BR>by the depth of my passion<BR>for you.<BR>It is a fierce, scarlet, liquid <BR>rage<BR>deep, deep inside of me.<P>It has come and made it's home<BR>in the void.<BR>Not a moment goes by wen I am<BR>not confronted<BR>by the staggering<BR>piercing<BR>absence of you<BR>or<BR>assaulted <BR>by the torment of your<BR>lingering presence.<P>My soul still longs for your alliance<BR>My hands still crave the feeling of your skin<BR>My lips still long to taste your mouth<BR>My ear still longs for your sweet whisper.<P>I wonder if you revel in freedom from me?<BR>Do you find a sense of comfort, a fraction<BR>of pleasure,<BR>a sliver of joy<BR>from the company of another?<BR>Is my time up?<BR>Are you glad to be free from my chains?<BR>Such utter devastation <BR>I cannot take.<BR>My heart cannot<BR>take.<BR>The very thought<BR>wounds me in a way<BR>that words cannot express<BR>but I know you understand,<BR>and I am sorry.<BR>For 2 years you loved me<BR>I lived with him.<BR>I'm sorry for that pain<BR>I'm sorry for that<BR>I'm sorry<BR>But I still live with him.<P>_________________________