delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

My husband had an A. I am so confused. He wants both of us to make a decision about our relationship. He still talks to the OW and says that they are helping each other solve their martial problems and because of her he is still there. I have told him numerous time to live just get out of my life. But he says that he is still trying to make work. When I found out about the affair we spilt up and he came crying back to me. The funny thing about this OW her marriage was almost the same as our was from the start. I do not trust him and never will again.

Vernon, <BR>He may be doing a bit of both, trying to appease you and still carrying on. What your looking for may be very difficult to produce. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as evidence that the A is over. It is something that you will come to know in time as you work through recovery. It seems to me that you’re H was dealt a small amount of plan B while you were away. He may have very seriously used that time to realize what life would be like with out you. <P>Being caught is often what it takes for a WS to become honest (at least about the topic they have been caught at). The things he’s doing; changing e-mail accounts, telling OW no more contact and a willingness to read the books are all GOOD signs. When you get the books read them. May I also suggest “Surviving the Affair” as a good book to read? Maybe a “No contact letter” from your H to OW would help you feel a bit more secure. This book will give you directions on how to properly write that letter.<P>I don’t want to make you’re insecurity worse but in my experience intuition is often correct (just don’t let them get carried away). His A may have been more than just emotional. The most difficult thing for us to get across to the WS during discovery is the fact that we the BS need all the ugly information up front. <P>Try to explain to him in a non-judgmental, non-emotional way this; You need him to be completely honest so that you can begin to heal. Knowing all the information up front will save you from serious set backs along the way. You see finding out about even a small lie, after you’ve excepted so much and decided to stay is very unsettling and causes you to second guess your very decision to try and save the marriage. <P>Explain that you understand that it is not at all uncommon for a WS to skew or hide information in an effort to protect an already hurt spouse. They somehow prejudge that we couldn’t handle it or we are not strong enough, or they just can’t bear to hurt us any more. What you have to explain is that it is not fair to keep dealing you small slices of hurt and it actually does more damage. Not to mention that you need all this information to make an accurate assessment of what you need to do, stay or go. Withholding the info is just unfair.<P>In a perfect world this will work, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t, sometimes the fog is thick. That is why you need to have your Plan A in effect and work on how you look at this, no one thing “proof of its end”, is going to fix the situation. It is a long-term process many things have to change including you. <P>I wish you the best, remember find some reassurance in what he has done positively and thank him for it because he needs reassurance also.<P>One last thought, there is nothing wrong with asking him everyday if he spoke to her, so long as you do it with out LB and you're prepared to thank him for his honesty if he ever says yes.<BR>

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

That is funny, I got a laugh.<P>I chose the name because oswald from the Drew Carrey show is so clueless and it seemed to fit me. You see my W admitted the A to me. It had been going on for 6 months and I didn't have the slightest clue.<P>I'm no counselor just an apprentice at this so these are just my opinions. Some more opinions I can offer from my mistakes. Don't get discouraged if he does not offer any info immediately. More importantly, if he does offer ugly news your reaction will shape the future. If you "freak out" you're training him to keep his mouth shut. If you thank him for his honesty and acknowledge that you can both get through this it will show him he can confide in you. Which is better than having him confide in her (that was difficult for me to grasp at first) <P>Lastly, everyone has their own opinion on how much should be told. I suggest not asking for any of the really ugly details that you really don't need or want answers to.<P>These will be some trying times for you, I wish you all the best, Keep finding things to laugh at. <P>

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

Vernon,<BR>Sorry not to respond sooner, I haven’t been on lately. No I don’t mind. <BR>I have 2 yellows but I don’t think they have a clue anything is wrong <BR>I often look here in Just found out since it is where I started and felt most secure in the beginning. I always feel so bad for those who have "just found out". I remember too well the the feeling. I see you moved over to recovery, that’s good, some serious discussions going on there.<BR>