Ok, new guy here. As my name saz, I'm a 2-timer (sigh). Not a cheater but a cheated. The affairs were spaced about 15 years apart and the second was the direct result of the first. First affair: Wife was a 25 yr old grad student. Her "friend" (we'll call this piece of work "Scott") was her study-buddy. We didn't get the chance to resolve anything. My wife didn't handle conflict well at the time and would just curl up into a ball if I tried to bring up the subject. I had no chance to work through any of the betrayal/rage or anything else. The issue then (I have recently found out) was just immaturity and lust. She did refuse to drop out of school or even quite seeing the guy because she "needed to study". This went on every day for at least a year, I got up and went to work knowing my wife was spending the day with her lover doing "god-knows-what". She said she wouldn't have sex with Scott any more but who believes a cheater? So with no vent, I just bottled it up inside and we went on with our lives. We had 2 children and lived. I still thought about the betrayal quite often even after Scott was out of the picture over those years and relived the rage/depression all over again. I had become accustomed to keeping it inside. Now go forward about 12 years. I wake up one morning (not really that abrupt but I'm keeping it short) and discover I not really sexually interested in my wife any more! To much pain for to long. My wife sensed a problem and did everything in her power to help. But the real problem (good ol Scott) was buried inside me and conditioned to stay there. Now, 2 weeks ago, I intercepted a couple of e-mails from a friend of ours (We'll call him Steve). You gotta watch who you copy to! He and my wife had been sending each other "love"(I'm being nice) letters. This guy is my wife's best friend's husband and no cheater. The guy was just in over his head. In my opinion, it takes a real monster to engage in sex with a married other and Steve is just not that. I confronted my wife with the e-mails and asked the big "question". What I got was "we've only been doing it for a couple of weeks" and they never had any physical contact (like that matter!). Ok now, my wife is curled up into her old ball and I'm disgusted that she's been hitting on her best friend's husband. I do love this person. I told her that we REALLY needed to talk about this and let it drop. I spent a sleepless week listening to my wife snore and finally blew-up. How dare she sleep when I couldn't! I woke her up at 4:00a one morning and we discussed. And I'm happy to say that Scott finally came out. I called Steve and told him to quite being stupid, tell his wife what he's been up to and visit this site. I'm pretty sure (all the spouse of a cheater can ever be really) that that mess is over. I'm most upset now that my wife and I have lost 15 years of what could have been a great relationship because she didn't want to deal with an intense situation. Scott is out now and I feel incredible relief. My wife sez I should have brought up my issue with Scott earlier. I think that by the time she FINALLY became an adult, my self-imposed conditioning was to deep. We may or may not stay married, I don't know. We are going to try counseling. If I have any "words of wisdom" to impart here it's -<P>If you're a cheater, for God's sake and your own, let your spouse vent! You owe it to him/her and yourself. It may be an hour or a week or a month but let it happen. Think of it as your spouse's affair and forgive him/her afterwards. We lost 15 years and maybe our marriage.<BR>

Hi A2timer,<P>Welcome. Now that things are out in the open, are you and your W going to get counseling? And since you're here, have you gone through the Harley Philosophies? Next, would you consider counseling with them, since it is private, low-cost ($95 an hour)? They could help you vent effectively without damaging what you have.<P>Good luck. And no, I don't get a kickback for referring to the Harleys!<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Bellevue:<P>Hi and thanks for the reply. We are going to try a Family Councilor thru my HMO. I've had a session with him already and "we" start tonight! We will see what happens. With good ol Scott finally out a bit, I'm starting to think of my wife in "that way" again (grin) but we have a real walk thru hell in front of us.

Caution...<P>HMO counselors tend to be near the bottom of barrel... (not always... but it was my experience).<P><BR>I agree with Belle ...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Do so after evaluating the effective of the HMO counselor!<P> <P>Jim