I just found out that my husband of 4yrs has been cheating on me for the past five months. I feel as if it is my fault or like I could or should have done some thing about it.... I feel so alone like a fool... I love him and want to work it out, but I just don't know how to trust him?? Please reply soon!<P>------------------<BR>Write Back soon!!!!<BR>Thanks Tshaw

Tshaw,<BR>Let me first say I am sorry for the pain you are in and the journey you are about to undertake. These first few weeks will be a roller coaster ride. You have found the right place. I could have written your post 3 months ago and shiver at the memories of where you are. Let start by offering you this. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. There is plenty of living proof of that around here. <P> Have you read NSR’s welcome post at the top of the page? Start there to get a grasp of the principals here at MB. Order a copy of SAA (Surviving an Affair) Today.<P>Start with Plan A <P>Set up counseling soon. My personal experience with Steve Harley has been very good. But if you have someone else in mind go for it. Just check to be sure that they are good.<P>It is not your fault. We BS’s often share in some of the responsibilities of what led to the A, but the actual decision to cross the line lies solely on the WS.<P>You may have been alone, but you are not any longer. You have just stumbled onto and become a member of the worlds largest support group on infidelity. We have ‘em all here BS’s, WS’s, OP you name it we’re here. And we are here to help!<P>Trust won't come from anything we can tell you. It will be a product of his future actions. You will get there....<P>The just found out-group runs in spurts activity wise. It’s been slow lately, you may want to jump over to the Recovery Group to get more responses.<P>God Bless you,<BR>Oswald.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by oswald (edited January 10, 2001).]

I hope we can give you the help and support you need right now. While you may read a lot about unmet needs, I feel the wayward spouse (WS) is solely responsible for his/her actions. An affair is a stupid, selfish act. <P>Oswald, while also a relative newcomer, can give you some good advice. Also, I would suggest you look up some old posts by HG Brawner (some are in the notable posts/threads, but you may want to look even deeper). I would name others, but I might leave someone out! <P>Read, read, read. You will find much good advice, support, and comfort here. Good luck! <P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Welcome. I am somewhat new too so my advice is the same as Persevering... read, read, read. This is a great place to find information on recovering from the affair. Give yourself time to heal and post as often as you need to. The people here are wonderful and have very good advice.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{Tshaw}}}}}}}}}}

Welcome, I am too new to this site. <P>I am in my fourth month of recovery and I like Oswald just shake to think back on the first weeks, first month. It is a rollercoaster. Main thing is to take care of yourself. I know there is alot of pain and self doubt. I beleive as the Betrayed Spouse (BS) we do have responsibility/fault of making our Wayward Spouse (WS) unhappy. But as far as the act of having an AFFAIR (A) is fully the WS decision and responsibility and fault. <P>Concentrate on yourself. Educate yourself. READ, READ, READ. This site help me through alot, especially the first few weeks, which I was at my lowest. I thought I was going insane. Take care of your self, do alot of deep breathing, relaxing baths. Order the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, TODAY. It's on the site. This book was a god send. <P>Try to open lines of communication without pressuring fault, just try to understand. Your Husband (H) maybe VERY reluctant, because he will be in a fog and also feel very guilty of your pain and not know how to deal with this. Hang in there, take baby steps. I don't know if your are religious, but Prayer help me alot. Give God some of the weight. Find a couselor or someone you can trust and will be confident or come here, as I did, you are not alone!<P>Come back to site when in doubt, have questions or need to vent. Even though the things that got us to this site are unpleasant the support here is WONDERFUL.<P>You will be in my prayers as I pray every night for all of us.<P>Take care of yourself and keep in touch, we are here for you!

I've been in recovery for about 8 months now and I remember exactly how I felt when my H's affair was revealed. The description of "roller coaster ride" of emotions is so very true and you are only at the beginning. In addition to reading and counselling, make use of this site. It has kept me going and the folks here are all awesome! <BR>YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! I know I felt that way too, and while I recognize that I wasn't being a good partner to my H for quite some time and that I am accountable for my part in the state of our marriage, in no way am I to blame for my H's affair. Neither are you! The affair was his decision, and I know that at this stage you are probably reeling from the hurt and betrayal. How could he do this? Well, all I can say is that you will survive. I have to confess that I haven't read Surviving an Affair (that's bad isn't it?) - a hard book to find in the Library or on the bookshelves here in my city in Canada, but I have read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring which I can highly recommend. It's even on cassette tape! <BR>Know that everyone on this forum care deeply and will help in any way possible.<BR>God Bless.<BR>Better, Stronger, More Aware!