Hello,<BR>I'd like to start off by saying thanks to everyone here. I've been reading and practicing the MB concepts in my marriage for a little more than a year. Without all of you I wouldn't have had any clue how to begin working on my marriage and myself.<P>First a little back ground. My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have 2 kids ages 7 and 5. 7 years ago I started my own business, without her full support. Unfortunitly the business failed. Without going into too much detail, my wife feels like I let her down and ruined her life. I realize my controling nature lead to her feeling this way. At the time I looked at it as the start of our future, I never realized she looked at it as a control issue. This, among other issues has lead to her building a wall between us, she is definitly in withdrawal. We have addressed our issues for the last 5 years by improving our communication. I was starting to feel like we were on the right track until recently. I have a nagging feeling she either had or is having an affair. The following are reasons I feel this way:<BR>- As I stated she has been in full blown withdrawal for over 3 years. <BR>- She did have a PA with a "friend" of ours 5 years ago. Just some drunken kissing.<BR>- She asked for a separation and space last Valentines day. Fortunitly we were able to work through it and never did.<BR>- She has stayed out drinking with "friends" male and female until all hours of the night and morning.<BR>- Alcohol is used as an excuse for disrepecting my feelings. ex. I asked her not to stay out so late with friends, a week later she went out and didn't come home unitl 8:30am. She said she was sorry for disrepecting my feelings and said it would never happen again, well last night she went to have (1) B-day beer with the "friend". She didn't get home until 5:30 this morning. She denied anything happen and said she got drunk, tried to sobber up and fell asleep on his couch. She also said she thought about telling me she stayed at another friends place "female", but decided to tell me the truth. <BR>- She wears a braclet he gave her for Christmas, but doesn't were our wedding ring.<BR>- She invited him along to a New Years Eve party, then ignored me all night. She brought me home and then took him home, she returned an hour and a half later stating she stopped to see another friend of hers.<BR>- Yesterday she thought I was going to be away from home and came home earlier than expected. A few minutes after she got home we recieved a phone call, the caller hung up after I answered the call.<BR>- I came home one night and noticed a poem/letter she was writing sitting on the coffee table. When I picked it up to see what it read, she went balistic trying to rip it from hands. I was stunned and gave in, she then said it was for me and threw it in the fireplace. She hasn't written me a romantic letter in over 6 years. <BR>There are a few smaller signs that I won't bore you with.<P>I have discussed my concerns. She always says that they are just good friends, he's 21, she's 32. He plays hockey and she is infatuated with the sport. My question is what are some other signs I should look for? I am extremely angry and upset this morning. I didn't yell or make snide comments when she came home, but I'm burning up inside. The signs are there, I want to beleive her but I can't trust her at this time. I'm not completely dumb. If it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, it's probably a rat. <P>Once again thank you all, I look forward to your responses. <P>

Sorry, but I believe that your wife IS having an affair. Or at the very least, she has fell in "love" with this man. My own wife pooh-poohed my concerns over and over and over until the other man's wife called me. Then and only then did she confess. You have to get her into counseling and make her committ to you and your marriage. If she doesn't do it, try reading Tough Love by James Dobson. You really can't do anything until she wants to. Sorry.

I am sorry for your pain. It is pretty clear that she is having an affair. She gets drunk and does not come home until the next morning with this friend and tells you she sleeps on his couch. You know what she is doing and you need help. You both need counseling immediately. If she is not willing then you have to ask yourself are you able to live in a marriage while your wife has a lover.

Thanks for the replies.<P>Yes it does seem obvious, but one thing I must tell you about her is that she has always had male/female friends. Most of my friends look at her as just another one of the guys. So you can see, it's a little more difficult than that. <P>She has admitted she has s drinking problem and has tolf me she is going to seek help, but I fear this is only an excuse to the real issues.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Raysofhope:<BR><B>Yes it does seem obvious, but one thing I must tell you about her is that she has always had male/female friends.</B><P>Well....what Harley would tell you is that it doesn'tmatter is she is having sex, or just infatuated with the guy, that your mission remains the same. You need to improve your relationship with her, start meeting her needs, stop lovebusting, and get on the path to where she is in love with you again and wouldn't consider an outside relationship.<P>As to whether all the signs are there....yes, certainly. She isn't respecting your marriage, reporting back that she got drunk and slept over at some guy's house. <P>How is your sex life? Is she just 100% in withdrawal?<P>I think you need to sit down with her, tell her honestly that you know that neither of you are happy with the relationship, address your concerns (your needs not being met, her relationship with the othe rguy, physical or not), and suggest counseling. It may be at that point she will confess. But you should get started on rebuilding your marriage.<P>Hang in there, there are probably tougher days ahead. <P>

Mike<P>My wife and I have been working on our marriage in earnest for over a year. We have addressed our needs, LB's, the reasons we are in this state of marriage are well known to both of us. I have been using a plan A so to speak, concentrating on her needs and eliminating the things that caused her pain. The only thing I havn't been able to change is our financial situtation. I am in the process of moving from my business to a corporate job that will give us the security we want. She acknowledges my efforts, but still can't take her wall down. During this time I have not asked much from her, gave her the space she wanted and tried my best not to push her. I have also taken time for myself and feel good with who I am.<P>Our sex life is not what it use to be. I crave quality sex, but she will not make the time needed. Most are quickies, very little romance, touching, or kissing. At times she has made me feel rejected, when I suggest something or try something. <P>Not making time for both quality sex and just time for us to communicate is one of my needs she does not seem to want to meet. Her time is divided between the kids, friends and herself. I can not tell you the last time we spent an entire evening or night alone together. We spend an hour a week talking, at most. I've tried to make time for us, but she always finds something else to fill the space I created for us. She has definitely excluded me from most aspects of her life. When asked about future plans, she never includes me. It always the kids and her.<P>Our financial situation right now will not allow us to use counceling. <BR>

Sorry, Ray. I don't think you need any more signs...writing's on the wall. I'm sorry for your pain but it's obvious. My H quit wearing his wedding ring too-said it bothered his hands. I fell for it. If it smells like the garbage, looks like the garbage, then it's sure enough the garbage!

Im sorry to tell you this, but it does sure seem to be like an affair or an infatuation of some kind. There are too many obvious signs. If one spouse spends the night away from home like she is doing, then i can tell you from my past experience that it is not only drinking and going out that she is doing. I would suggest you get help if you can. Ask her if she is willing to get help.

<BR>FYI....Ray had a D-day right after this post. There is a thread going on General Questions.<BR>