Hi everyone, I've been lurking on the forum for a couple of months now and have been reading about MB principles, and have found them very helpful in relieving my own anxiety and maintaining a loving relationship with my H. It's time for me to post my story, in hope that someone can relate and share how they have gotten past "being stuck in the past."<P>H and I have been married over two years. I did have serious reservations about going into the marriage (he was 40, had always lived at home, and apparently had never had a LTR, he seemingly preferred women he "couldn't have.") Plus, he had told me while we were dating - and this was a big deal for me - that "there were things about him I would never get to know." But, he was so wonderful with my D (from previous marriage) and was a kind and supportive friend. Compared to the men I had been with, he was like Prince Charming. <P>I truly love my H and respect many things about him. However, I found out a couple things about him that quickly bore out the "secretive" nature of his personality: <P>(a) shortly after we married, he was frantically trying to locate an ex-girlfriend from 20 years ago, a woman he had referred to as "the love of his life" - I found the emails he had sent out to all these women with the same name as the girlfriend, and a lot of the replies (it didn't appear that he had found her). I figured it must have been somehow important for him to communicate to her that he was married, and in some way lay to rest his longings and fantasies about her, so I tried to not get too upset about that. <BR>(b) However, about nine months after we married I learned that he had placed a personal ad looking for cyber-sex or exchange of e-mail fantasies. I actually followed the link to the ad through his email (a secret Hotmail account that I hacked into) and saw the page. I will never forget how sick that made me...how he referred to himself as "having a darker side" that needed to be entertained. I called him at work and insisted he come home immediately, and I withdrew my share of money from our joint checking account and immediately started planning to divorce him - then, guess what? I couldn't go through with it. I begged him to stay, and he agreed to seek counseling. I couldn't bear to disrupt my D's life yet again (have been through a lot between marriages...too much to recount here). <P>He went to counseling for one session, the outcome of which was that I was the problem, and that I had created an atmosphere which was "not safe" for my H to have his sexual feelings. I will own up to that, due to my extreme distrust and frequent questioning of him while we were dating and engaged. I HAD to know what it was that he said he would never tell me, and in all the emotional turmoil that resulted from my discovery of the personal ad, it came out that he had been molested at age 10 by an adult male friend of the family. I have honestly been trying to chill out with the questioning and probing of his past sexual life and feelings, because it definitely hits a brick wall and causes problems. I know this is at odds with the MB principle of honesty, but so be it.<P>Last week, I found a picture of him and a longtime co-worker in his car, stashed inside his car repair manual. From the looks of it, the picture is more than two years old, so I'm not frantically upset about it. He probably brought it home from work a long time ago and just stuck it in there. But, this co-worker is someone that he was also in love with for several years (by his own admission). She seems to represent a lot of things that he admires in women (tall, strong, gorgeous, muscular) but she's also a lesbian. I actually met her while my H and I were dating, when she was living with a partner, and thought she was a very nice person. But since my H and I married there has been very little discussion of this friend. Whenever I ask how she is doing, I get the *distinct* impression that I am treading on sacred ground or something. He gets very distant and defensive. It's not like it used to be, when we used to take her and her girlfriend out for lunch or make plans for other social events together. <P>Bottom line is, I am "Plan A"ing, even though there is nothing going on right now and he is the perfect, loving H. I just can't seem to forget about the past, though! I have been hurt so badly, not just by my H, but by other relationships prior to this one. The deceptions are so great. <P>My level of distrust is so high that right now, I am spending several hours a day lurking on this forum, reading about others' experiences and then thinking about my marriage and wondering what he's doing at work, if he has seen his friend today, or if he sends/receives explicit emails. (His place of work is conducive to such things and he has even told me the sysadmin guy has sent him porn links, of all things). <P>There's a lot more to say, but I don't want to wear out my welcome first thing. Take care everyone.

Welcome <B>CinDrLa</B>...<P>I think you been through the important pages on this site...<P>...stay around... and ask away.<P>You know... you're not alone.<P> <P>Jim