It’s been probably two months since I’ve written, but some of you may remember my situation. I am married to a preacher, who is controlling and had an EA with his secretary about a year ago. After I told you my situation, several of you wrote and told me it was time to go to Plan B. That scared me so I didn’t write for awhile, just read your posts. Life got to be so bad that we were having bad fights probably 4 days out of 7. The rest of the time we lived in silence. We live overseas, but came home for the holidays. We got along pretty good over Christmas, because we didn’t have the daily presence of the secretary to fight about, and then after Chrsitmas my husband and I and his family went on a 10 day vacation together. <P>The first 7 days of the vacation was husband was different man. It was better than our honeymoon. He was all over me, he held my hand wherever we went, and even bought me scuba diving equipment so we could scuba together on the vacation, and talked about future scuba vacations together. His parents told me they had never seen him so nice to me – ever. <P>Before the vacation I had made the decision to tell him after the vacation that if things didn’t change in our marriage, I wasn’t going back to our country and our ministry until they changed. I had second thoughts on the vacation, until one night we had a fight about some of the same old issues, and I realized that nothing had changed. If we both went back to our country together, life would be the same living hell and both of us would be miserable. When we got back I sat him down and told him that unless he got rid of the secretary, and was willing to work on his marriage, and change a few other issues that we constantly fight about (dishonesty and secretiveness with me, inappropriate behavior for a minister, etc.) that I wasn’t going back. He said fine, stay home, and I said okay. I called our boss (the president of the ministry here in the States), and told him that I wasn’t going back, and he called my husband and said that I really think that you need marriage counseling before you go back. That if he went back alone, he would think about pulling him in off of the field and have someone else run the ministry overseas until we got our “house in order”. My husband refused counseling, so our boss then told him that if he went over there, he had to promise to fire the secretary immediately, and only keep her there long enough to train someone else, and gave him a few other things that he needed to do. My husband agreed to all of those things over the phone, so I told him I would go back with him, but I needed a week to myself first to sort things out and get some business taken care of before leaving the country. <P>But, after the phone call with our boss, my husband wouldn’t speak to me for 5 hours. He was furious that I would bring our boss into the situation, and that I didn’t lie and tell him that we were okay. He said that I crushed him by doing the one thing he told me not to do (tell anyone that we were having problems), that I betrayed him, and hurt him more than anyone ever has in his life. (But if I was going to stay home off of the mission field, our boss would eventually find out through the grapevine and wouldn’t be too happy that I didn’t tell him what was going on, so I had to tell him.) You should also know that we were staying at my husband’s parent’s home during all of this, and they are for our marriage and love both of us dearly, so they got in the middle of this trying to save our marriage. (He has a good relationship with them). We found that we couldn’t have any conversation without them being there to “interpret” for us because we were beyond even understanding each other. They were our marriage counselors and saved our marriage for the time being. So, we left it at the decision that I will go back over there in two weeks, but he is still extremely hurt, betrayed, and furious with me, thinking that while he is gone I will tell everyone what a horrible person he is. Of course I won’t do that, but he is not thinking straight. <P>So, his dad takes him to the airport this morning, and they have a long discussion on the way. He told his dad that he only wants me back there because he has to have his wife by his side for people to accept him as a minister, and if I left him it would ruin “his” ministry. He said that he had no intentions of firing the secretary until after graduation (5 months from now), and he wasn’t about to do all of the things that our boss told him he needed to do. He basically said that our boss could go to h---. He then told his dad that he never loved me in the first place, that he only married me because everyone told him what a good girl that I was and how I could really be good for his ministry. He married me kind of as a “business” decision – that I could further his career, or ministry, or whatever. 8 years later, he feels trapped, like he’s in a box. He will not give up his secretary, but our boss and his wife and his parents and myself are telling him that he has to. She is the only thing in life that gives him joy, and he can’t stand to come home to me because I nag him all the time and he feels soooo trapped. He doesn’t love me, he never loved me, and he can’t “work up” the feeling to love me. He said if you aren’t “in love” with someone you can’t make it up, and I totally agree with that, but how can someone fake it for 8 years? He won’t leave me because he knows that if he did his life as he knows it would be destroyed, but I think he’s hoping that I will leave him to save face, and he will be free from me and can do what he wants (he honestly thinks he can still have his ministry if I leave him.) <P>I do admit, that we have a great business relationship. We never get along better than when he’s dictating to me like I was his business partner or assistant. But we’ve never had much in common and we’ve never had the romantic passion for each other. I felt it for him, but I clearly never felt it from him. I mentioned it from time to time over the years, but he just said that it wasn’t “him”. He would say “I love you”, but never anything different than if he was saying it to his sister. Not even during sex. I feel sorry for him that he feels that he’s trapped, and in a loveless marriage, but how could he throw away 8 years of his life, or waste my time since I’ve devoted 8 years of my life to him? I waited on him hand and foot, did everything he told me to do, and became the “submissive” wife. It wasn’t until I got tired of being the doormat and spoke up that we started having the fights. The sex was never great, but I thought it was because he never seemed interested in satisfying me – it always lasted 5 or 10 minutes and then it was done. It was longer in the beginning, but after I had my first orgasm during sex (oral stimulation), and that was after about 5 years of marriage, he never even tried to excite me again. He knew that he was macho enough to give me an orgasm, so he never bothered to turn me on again. He just “stuck it in”, got satisfied, and quit. He bought me a vibrator to keep myself happy.<P>Now, reality is starting to set in. My husband is right now on a plane going back overseas, and he thinks I’ll be joining him in a week, but he only wants me there to make him look good and to keep our boss from pulling rank on him and sending him home. I changed my tickets for two weeks from now, and during that time I have to make a decision whether to try and make my marriage work, or to start a new life for myself. How do I go back into a marriage where I now know that my husband thinks he never loved me? (His mother says she knows he did love me once, that he has showed her some of his true feelings for me in the past when they were alone together. She says that he’s just hurt and mad and isn’t thinking straight. His dad says that he was cool and calm and pretty believable when he said he didn’t love me.) If he only wants me to make his ministry look good, but doesn’t love me (and the more he’s with me he can’t stand to be around me because he blames me for “trapping” him and nagging at him for being with another woman who he says means nothing to him), and isn’t willing to go to counseling, so do I want to even try? I still love him, but my life has been a nightmare that I woke up from over the holidays, and I don’t want to go back to sleep and continue it. When I am here in the States I am going to a Christian marriage counselor, and I know it’s too soon to make any decisions in the emotional state I’m in, but I would love some input from you all! Can you get someone to fall head over heels in love with you after saying that they have no feelings for you whatsoever, and don’t really want to work at it? I know I can’t go back over there into the “battle” until some of this gets resolved, but my boss says how can you work on your marriage if you are thousands of miles apart? There is one couple over there that we could go to marriage counseling with, but my husband refuses to see them. I know I could save our ministry by just giving in and going back, but in the last 6 months I have lost so much weight that everyone comments on how skinny I am (not in a good way), people are asking me if I’m sick, and I missed my last period because of stress on my body – the first I’ve ever missed in my life, and I know I’m not pregnant. This whole situation is taking a toll on my body, my mental health, and my whole being. I can’t go back over there the way things are. Especially if he’s not willing to get rid of the source of our fighting, the secretary. (It’s a miracle that he said he would fire her even in June, but our boss says that he can’t wait until then, he has to do it now. Our boss was praying one day and knew that something was up between him and the secretary, and is only trying to save our marriage, not control him.) God has told several people about this, but my husband wants to do what he wants to do, not listen to his parents, his boss (his spiritual dad), his wife, or even GOD! He is on the path to destruction, and we are all trying to save him, but he won’t listen to anyone. <P>Do I stay home in the States and wait for him to have a heart change, meanwhile getting counseling for myself to help me get better? What if he never has a heart change? I am still young (only 31), so I could still eventually find a man who is head over heels in love with me, who treats me with respect, and have a family (my husband doesn’t want kids). I could have a wonderful life, so if he refuses to change, I know I will be really okay, but do I want to throw away 8 years invested into this marriage? Right now I am hurt and angry and just about feel like throwing in the towel. A new life sounds good to me. But I still love my husband and know that God can perform a miracle and fix absolutely anything. I’m talking myself round and round, but does anyone else have any words of wisdom? (Besides calling the secretary and telling her she’d better quit and stay away from my husband! J )
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<P>Jim