I have been married for two months. Last nite my new husband told me that he cheated on me in Thailand a year ago, before we were engaged, but we were together and our relationship was somewhat stable at the time. He called me from Thailand several times, crying, telling mehow much he missed me. He has also confessed to 3 other one night stands that he had earlier that year, when we had some issues in our relationship. When he had feelings of distrust he decided to just go out and cheat in case that's what I was doing. He said he didn't tell me before the wedding because he knew I wouldn't marry him. He said he is telling me now because he feels guilty and didn't want to carry it around anymore. I think he is telling me because he regrets the marriage and he wants out!! What should I do??? I am at my wits end, I'm very sad and feel betrayed/hurt but I still love him!! I want to forgive him...but I wonder if he actually wants out of the marriage??? Any ideas??? <P>Another strange anomale- it doesn't really bother me that he did it?? Maybe I'm still in shock - it hasn't hit me?? Or maybe I'm happy to be free of this tumultuous (at times) relationship! Anyone who can, please help - I'm at a loss here!!!<BR>Thanks<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

Welcome <B>tanyadj</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>This is a difficult situation...<P>The first thing I would do is start counseling...<BR>...you for yourself...<BR>BTW... I do believe you're in somewhat of a state of shock...<BR>...so make no major decisions for a while!<P>and counseling for your husband...<BR>...for what appears to be a serious addiction to cheating.<P>If he has no desire to change...<BR>...then you need to consider the marriage...<BR>...as to whether it's a real marriage.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...for both whatever is left of your relationship now... and for the future.<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Take your time evaluating your situation...<BR>...it isn't an easy one.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 24, 2001).]

tanyadj:<P>Thailand? And 3 other 1-night stands? Have you been checked for STD's?<P><BR>"When he had feelings of distrust he decided to just go out and cheat in case that's what I was doing."<P>That's bull*** rationalization to justify his disgusting behavior. He's trying to make you responsible for his choice to get naked and intimate with other women. You aren't responsible. That was a devious evil thing to do. He could have had an honest talk with you, about whether you were being unfaithful. Even if you had been cheating, he wouldln't have been justified in doing it himself. He would have been justified in breaking off the relationship and getting on with his life.<P>"He said he didn't tell me before the wedding because he knew I wouldn't marry him." <P>He deliberately withheld the truth and married you with a lie in his heart. You didn't marry the man you thought you were marrying. You married a man who was capable of risking your life and health in random sexual acts and not respecting you enough to let you make a decision about your own life because he was too selfish. He treated you like a child or a non-person, like a "thing". He wanted you and was bound to have you. That's not the same as loving you.<P>"He said he is telling me now because he feels guilty and didn't want to carry it around anymore. I think he is telling me because he regrets the marriage and he wants out!! "<P>If this is true, he did the wrong thing. Assuming that there was no STD passed along to him (and possibly to you) and no consequence to you, and he had married you without warning you who he really was, and what he was capable of, the right thing for him to have done was live with his guilt, spare you the hurt, and do his best to be worthy of you and your marriage. He relieved his conscience at your expense. This was cowardly.<P>Don't rush to forgive. Let it sink in first. Premature forgiveness is like premature ejaculation - it doesn't satisfy anyone.<P>"Another strange anomale- it doesn't really bother me that he did it?? Maybe I'm still in shock - it hasn't hit me?? Or maybe I'm happy to be free of this tumultuous (at times) relationship! Anyone who can, please help - I'm at a loss here!!!"<P>We can't read your heart but the above sounds right. Maybe since there are no kids it's time to cut your losses or at least take a break and think things over before you become pregnant.<P><BR>Thanks<P>[/B][/QUOTE]<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Belle you almost spoke my true feelings in your note. i really feel awful. You are right - that is the worst part - he risked my health and my life. Of all the things I never thought he would cheat. That was the last thing I expected of this short little man with no self esteem. I am obviously growing more angry than my last note. I have very sharp pain in my stomach and feel like I have some kind of infection just because I now realize that my aids tests have all been in vain. i thought that the last one I had two years ago meant I was safe as we'd been together for 7 years. Now I have to go back to square one. He keeps saying honesty is the best but I feel the same way you do - telling me just made it my problem instead of his. And I definitely don't trust him and I deserve way more than this pathetic little man. Now that I look back every episode of cheating I had asked him about - in my heart I actually always knew. Some people are telling me it is okay it was before we were married and as long as he doesn't do it again you should forgive. I was dishonest with him about dating one other guy while we were broken up back in 1998 but this is not the same as one night stands while we were together. He thinks it is - and he is trying to put us in equal light. Even if I did do the same thing I would keep it to myself and spare him what I am going through now. I am going to counselling this afternoon and am going to keep waiting for replies in here. It really helps to write it out. I read your response to my H and he said "so you just needed to phone and share that with me"? He has agreed to go to counselling but wants me to go to the first session alone. When I went to counselling before we got married the counsellor told me not to marry him. And this was before I knew about the cheating. I just stopped going to counselling because I felt they were being too judgemental. Maybe they saw something I didnt?? What should I do? I feel sick and am going to lose so much weight if I can't start eating pretty soon!!!!<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

I kicked him out!! I feel so empty! My mom came over - we packed his stuff up and told him to pick it up or he could pick it up at the drycleaners for a bill of about $1000. Nasty I know but a cheater doesn't really deserve much. After two months I can't believe he did this!! I feel good some days - glad he's gone - but I miss him like crazy the rest of the time!! What do you do to let go?? How do you erase your love for him?? What do I do with those wedding pics ? they are only 2 months old!! What went so wrong?? After a 7.5 year relationship we get married and two months of marriage we're apart. Why?? Somebody please tell me how to let go? I keep checking up on him - wanting to know if he's with someone else - not that it matters - I won't take him back. Part of me wants him to beg to come back to me and make it work. Will he ever change?? What should I do?? I feel so lost!!!<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

I kicked him out!! I feel so empty! My mom came over - we packed his stuff up and told him to pick it up or he could pick it up at the drycleaners for a bill of about $1000. Nasty I know but a cheater doesn't really deserve much. After two months I can't believe he did this!! I feel good some days - glad he's gone - but I miss him like crazy the rest of the time!! What do you do to let go?? How do you erase your love for him?? What do I do with those wedding pics ? they are only 2 months old!! What went so wrong?? After a 7.5 year relationship we get married and two months of marriage we're apart. Why?? Somebody please tell me how to let go? I keep checking up on him - wanting to know if he's with someone else - not that it matters - I won't take him back. Part of me wants him to beg to come back to me and make it work. Will he ever change?? What should I do?? I feel so lost!!!<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

Tanya,<P>Big {{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}.<P>I know how you are feeling. My husband did the same thing to me on our 1 week anniversary. His affair happened 1 year before the wedding and before our engagement. I chose to stay because we do have a child together and even though he caused me the greatest pain I have ever experienced it doesn't stop me from loving him.<P>I agree with Belle and not to forgive him quickly. I was also in a state of shock for some time and I think he felt he got off the hook easy. I was angry but kind of in a fog myself for 6 months after D-day.<P>About 1-1/2 months ago is when I think all hell broke loose and I let it all out. The upside is he took it as he should and listened to what I needed to say. It has been a long journey so far but I do believe it is possible that he will remain faithful.<P>Yes, they tell us after the wedding so they do not have to carry the guilt. Then great, we get to clean up the aftermath. I am trying to find something positive in all of this so I look at it as he wanted to start our marriage with a clean slate. I believe that his honesty means that he is sincere in being faithful and having a good marriage. Maybe I am crazy for thinking that but I have to try and find something positive.<P>I hope you are doing better. Keep posting, we are here to help.<p>[This message has been edited by Mischievous Me (edited February 08, 2001).]

Thanks - your input is appreciated!! How did you take him back? how can you stand it?? I just picture him with other girls - bimbos with implants, kissing them, touching them - it makes me sick. I don't want him back. He totally betrayed me - he waited until we were married - my parents spent tons of money - so did we - we got a ton of presents, pictures, and I love him so much - I wanted this to be for life and he is taking the cop out route and saying this new information will be for our future. But - he is now out and I feel like a weight is off my shoulder. I am obsessed with checking up on him still - I don't know why I care - I'm mostly sad cuz I know he'll be back and I don't want him back. I can't live my life like that. I don't deserve to not trust. Can a leopard change his spots?? I would tend to think that they don't. Maybe I'm just so tainted right now I can't figure it out for myself. I just am so sad. I can't eat or sleep and I want him to call me - I want to call him. But what is the point? What would I say? So you stayed with your husband?? How can you stand it?? I seriously think about him with someone else and I can't get past it!! Please help!!<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

Hi. Sorry I didn't get a chance to post again yesterday.<P>From what you wrote it sounds like you do still love your husband. He has deeply hurt you so your feelings of wanting the relationship over with is understandable.<P>I chose to stay because I love my husband and I truly feel we can get past this and build a better relationship than we had before. I know he doesn't feel good about cheating on me. There are no guarantees this will not happen again but then their are also no guarantees that another man would not do the same.<P>Perhaps I'm too optimistic but I would rather feel this way then not giving it one final try. We have a child which is our most motivating factor in mending our relationship. Also, people make mistakes. I am not perfect either, he has forgiven me for past mistakes that were of a different magnitude.<P>I understand and feel your pain. Are you seeing a counselor? The many mixed emotions you are feeling are common and perhaps a counselor can help you sort them out. I have not counseled with the Harleys but I understand they are very good.<P>Once my husband and I started talking about our feelings vs. the affair is when our recovery started. Are you and your husband talking at all? Once I got past my anger we were able to discuss the problems and finally hear what the other was saying.<P>Unfortunately there is no quick fix. There is a natural progression but it does get better and the pain lessens. You mentioned thinking about him and the other women, that will ease up too. I still have some triggers but I made the decision a while ago that I would not focus on them. When the happen I change my thoughts to something else. <P>I have to go for now but will be happy to talk some more later.

It has been 3 weeks and I feel so much better! H has been gone for 2 weeks and I don't have any more feelings of resentment or wanting him back. I feel so free and happy to be without constant insecurity that he is out drinking or partying with other women. His infidelity before our engagement was something I would have forgiven but obviously he wanted his freedom. Now he has it and I have mine. Our wedding may not even be legal, to top it all off! It was in Mexico and apparently we didn't have the proper format? Kind of ironic I guess!!<P>I still love him, probably always will, but I know now I can do better, and deserve better. He is taking a bartending course?? and wants to do all these things that he felt were below me. Since I am a professional, and he is a nurse I guess he just feels we are not compatible. Now that the pain and suffering has stopped, how do I let go of him? I miss him and am scared to be with someone else. What do you do????<P>What if he comes back and wants to change?? I don't want to be married to a bartender!! Am I answering my own question?? Am I just a big mess in my head??? Help!!!<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tanyadj:<BR><B>I have been married for two months. Last nite my new husband told me that he cheated on me in Thailand a year ago, before we were engaged, but we were together and our relationship was somewhat stable at the time. He called me from Thailand several times, crying, telling mehow much he missed me. He has also confessed to 3 other one night stands that he had earlier that year, when we had some issues in our relationship. When he had feelings of distrust he decided to just go out and cheat in case that's what I was doing. He said he didn't tell me before the wedding because he knew I wouldn't marry him. He said he is telling me now because he feels guilty and didn't want to carry it around anymore. I think he is telling me because he regrets the marriage and he wants out!! What should I do??? I am at my wits end, I'm very sad and feel betrayed/hurt but I still love him!! I want to forgive him...but I wonder if he actually wants out of the marriage??? Any ideas??? <P>Another strange anomale- it doesn't really bother me that he did it?? Maybe I'm still in shock - it hasn't hit me?? Or maybe I'm happy to be free of this tumultuous (at times) relationship! Anyone who can, please help - I'm at a loss here!!!<BR>Thanks<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>slimne talking to you my husband was cheating with my best friend he this is while we was married. He calling his self getting revenge because i cheating at the beginning of our marriage. That was because he was coming in the next day so I look at it that he wasn't taking it serious. <P><P>------------------<BR>

Well as a 16 year Air Force member who has been to the Far East (Japan, Korea, Philippines) I can tell you that for guys to have sex over there is so shockingly easy it's scary. It is everywhere overthere, and especially easy for American men. I don't want to sound like I am justifying his behavior or making excuses for him, but I can tell you that if he went over there on a business trip or something with other men, it would be nearly impossible for him to resist the temptation, especially if the men with him were doing it. They have "hospitality girls" working in the bars who for about $10 you can escort them from the bar for the night. It's as easy as ordering a drink. Technically you are buying their company and not paying for sex cause prostitution is illegal (heh, what a joke) but in reality that's pretty much what it is. He must have felt really guilty to tell you because usually with these girls you usually don't even remember their names 10 minutes afterwards, if he knew their names to begin with. Of course the risk of STDs is very high and is a deadly serious issue and hopefully he used protection cause that is completely wrong to put you at risk.<P>I also don't want to sound like I'm putting Asian women down. I'm not, I love Asian ladies. Most of them are NOT like this. It's just in the red-light/tourist districts where law enforcement is still in the stone age. My wife is a Filipina and did not work in these places. I followed some of their customs when we got married to make her family happy, and I wanted to. We have been married for 12 great years and I have never even suspected anything seriously wrong until 2 months ago. I did know that we were having problems for about a year now but I never thought she would have an affair. I am jealous of you for one thing, at least your husband told you. Not knowing for sure, even though I have asked her, is agonizing. I have a lot of signs that she is having an affair but no concrete proof, and I like to act on certanities. She denies that anything physical is happening and says the OM is just a good friend. <P>Anyway tanyadj, sounds like you might still have feelings for this guy. I still love my wife and will forgive her if she did have an affair because I blame myself for letting our marriage get old and I quit meeting her EMs. I posted my story on the General Msg board instead of here if you are interested. I could not cheat on my wife, even if I was 5,000 miles away, because it would really feel like I was hurting her. You may want to give him another chance, if you still have feelings and he wants to. Thailand is a fantasy sex land for guys and he probably thought he could have some quick fun before he got married but he still felt guilty enough about it to tell you. Whatever happens, good luck. <P>Mike E.<P>(Kind of afraid to "submit" this one. I think the ladies here are gonna slam me hard for this one...hehe)<P>::hides under the coffee table::

HELP!! I don't know what to do - besides the above comments from our friend I don't know what to do!! I don't think that men should have their cake and eat it too!! The fact that men give in to peer pressure and have extramarital affairs with disease ridden women is not an excuse!! I'm sorry!! Anyway - besides that. My story is still the same - he told me he cheated 2 months after marriage - I kicked him out and cut all contact with him. Well - 7 weeks later and he is frantically calling me, doesn't want a divorce, wants to come back, he made a mistake, he isn't strong - keeps thinking of me, denies that he rented a hotel room 3 weeks ago even though I got the bank statement in the mail. Wants to start over. I know it will happen again - but it is so hard. I miss him so much - miss the idea of him more than anything. Miss him holding me at nite - what should I do? I'm so vulnerable to him but I know that this is a pattern that WILL be repeated!! Also - I can't seem to forget about his being with other women. I pretend I'm strong - noone knows how upset I am - but it is killing me inside. I am still sick - lost alot of weight and am basicly tired of fighting this. I don't know what to do? How do you forget and get past the pain?? I know I deserve someone who respects me and would not do this to me but it is so hard. Does anyone have any advice?? I love him so much - even though we are wrong for each other - probably codependent. I have dated a few other guys and they treat me so well - opening doors etc. and no pressure for sex etc. I am taking it slow and learning that I can have a beetter life with someone who will cherish me... please anyone who has advice or experience, please help me!! Thanks! And men - if you think that going to a foreign country like Asia and giving in to peer pressure is a reason to be unfaithful - think of the consequences. One night - is it worth throwing away a beautiful, loving soulmate?? Think about it - and get a grip.<P>------------------<BR>sad and worried

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tanyadj:<BR><B>am basicly tired of fighting this. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful"<P>