I just found out my husband wants to have an affair. <P>On Christmas Eve he took me to see his new house he had rented and planned to separate from me. We had just celebrated 20 years together. 14 married , 6 lived together.<P>we have 6 children all under 8 years old.<BR>he said he had been trying to get up the nerve to do this for 2 years - but for various reasons didn't have the nerve.<P>that night i pleaded with him not to see other people for one month. he agreed. no one knows about this - because of his occupation, the children don't notice. he does come by and spend time with them and me. <P>he told me he still loves me, but is not in love with me and wants to be in love again. he didn't see that happening with me.<P>I am desperately in love with him and my month is up. during the past month, God has shown me what i was doing wrong (everything!)<BR>I probably would have left me too. All his needs were left unmet. But God also showed me how to meet them - but now i don't have the exclusive opportunity. I have lost 20 pounds and have a new spirit. <P>My husband has acknowledged my change, but after one month he still feels the need to see others. he has not had an affair and he has no one in mind at present. He feels very ashamed and awkward about the whole thing.<P>He has a 6 month separation in mind and does not want a divorce. he wants to go on dates with me. I am searching for the right way not to drive him away and show him that i can meet his needs and it is possiblethathe can fall in love with me again. <BR>I have had one counceling session and he has agreed to talk to steve on his own "to help me get through this". <P>meanwhile - i pray that he just may never see the need to ask anyone else out during the separation. help

I hate to say this, but I suspect that your H already has someone in mind, to have an affair with...possibly an "emotional affair" right now.<P>A spouse normally DOES NOT usually move out that quickly unless there is someone already in the picture.<P>Are you able to still maintain the same lifestyle for you & your kids while your H is spending money to maintain his own separate household? Did he already sign a lease for this rented home?<P>If he has signed a lease, I think that you need to get some legal advice regarding your financial situation. You & your children's lifestyle should not be financially altered just because your H feels like experimenting outside of the marriage.<P>Protect yourself & your children.<P>I'm glad that your H has agreed to speak with Steve. Your H is going about this all wrong.<P>It will be harder for your marriage to recover if you are both living in separate households.

I would agree. My H asked for a 6 month seperation and said he wasn't sure about divorce. He had said there was no one else and that the seperation had nothing to do with it. Came to find out he was having an EA with a co-worker for 5 months and she had spurred him on.<P>I would do some checking if I were you and not blindly trust that he's not seeing someone else.

I am new to this whole site, and my usual page is pregnancy/child because my h has a daughter with ow, but i want to offer my experience to you. My h also said at the time that he had no specific person in mind - but the affair had alrready started. When he moved out, he said that he was staying with a male friend, but in fact moved in with the ow. I can relate to your situation in that I was pretty much a horrible wife back then. My h has serious abandonment issues from his parents, and my actions at the time made him feel totally alienated - with good cause. Although the affair took place, it only lasted a few months. I hate to say it, but in all likelyhood your h has somone in mind. I too made drastic changes and was desperate for the chance to prove I could be a good wife. What my h basically wanted to do was to keep me on the line while he checked to see if life with her would be any good. I don't know what to tell you except that I came to a point one day, after exhausting myself emotionally and physically, that I found I could not continue to open myself up for rejection. I prayed to God, "God, if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to take care of it. I have done all I can do and I don't have anything left. It's in your hands now. let your will be done, and help me to accept whatever you decide" Then I asked my husband, "Where do you see yourself in 20 years? When you figure that out, let me know." And I stopped calling, stopped trying to encourage him to visit, stopped everything. It was beyond doubt, the most excruciating decision I have ever made, deciding not to act upon the situation anymore. And it called upon me to trust in God in a way that I had never been able to before. To be honest, I had never trusted in Him for much at all. Anyway, three days later, my h came home for good. he says that my failure to continue playing his game forced him to realize that there would be a time when I was no longer available to him and that he might lose me and the kids. am not recommeding that you do something like this unless you want to, but for me it ws the only option I had left. I had NOTHING left to do. My prayers are with you.

thank you for your help. my h did tell me he had an emotional affair about 6 months ago, but that woman allianated him and married someone else. nothing came of it. as far as him seeing someone - because of his career , i know his whereabouts 24 hours a day. lots of church members work with him. when he is not working he is either with us or accountable to me. the bills come to the house still and i balance the checkbook so i know where all the money is. he did not sign a lease - he is a month by month. he says he has no one in mind, but yes he is probably thinking of a few people. he has read a few chapters of surviving an affair and understands what he he is in for intelectually. but i suppose he has been looking forward to this for so long - he feels like he needs to carry it out. he does not have the desire to work with me to save the marriage - so i have to work on my own for that. i have given him to God - but i will continue to show him i can meet his needs whenever possible. until i am counceled otherwise.

I hope you are right because I was in a similar situation. H was never where he wasn't supposed to be and I handled every bill and accounted for every penny. But it still turned out to be an A. I had no clue or suspicion.<P>Hope everything works out for you, it's going to be a long road ahead.

You're H can be accountable to you, 24 hours a day. But it doesn't mean that he is unable to be involved in an "emotional" affair. An "emotional" affair can occur anywhere, at any time, at any place.<P>I think that your H needs to read "Surviving an Affair" again. Apparently, he didn't comprehend what he read.<P>

4 months ago I first posted to this site because my husband confessed to me that he felt no passion in our marriage and was tempted to have an affair. (He had already had an emotional affair with a co-worker.) I was caught by surprise but reacted quickly with booking counseling and reading tons of material. I thought we were recovering until last week when he confessed that he had recently slept with a prostitute. I have been devistated for the past week and you can read all about it under my posting 'Why a prostitute?'. Now I am getting things back under control. We are working on our relationship again, each of us just as hard as the other this time. At first I wasn't sure how to rebuild love or passion in our marriage but now I know that meeting my husbands emotional needs, whether or not he is meeting mine, is very important. If you read my posting you will also see what spiritual steps my husband and I are taking. I can't claim success yet but this time around I really feel that we are doing far better in just a few days than we had done in all the months before. You mentioned that your husband works with several people from your church. I'd recommend that you and your husband (together or individually) make counseling appointments with the pastor there. It sounds like your husband is dealing with temptation or giving into it. Ask him to find a church leader (pastor or other) to build and accountability relationship with. It has helped my husband more than I could ever say. Lastly, I know it is embarrassing and it hurts to admit we've been less than poster girl wives. It is that much more difficult to admit when fellow church members are the ones we must tell. But be strong and support your husband in any efforts he makes at the church. <P>I am hoping that you and I can share our future progress. <BR>

Maybe you can try a different approach. <P>i am not sure why you feel you have failed him; if there was someting speciifc you feel you must account for or make up for then certainly he may need his space. <P>But what about your 6 children. It is not fair for your H to decide to change the rules on the game during half time. How will this affect 6 kids under 8 years of age to have their dad move out so abruptly (to have an affair or for whatever reason). <P>What about the commitments he made to you. If you cannot be angry for yourself be angry for your children. This is a marriage not a bed and breakfast.<P>Human nature (i won't say men specifically so as not to stereotype) is to want what is not so attainable. I guess you don't want to drive him away but neither should you be so accomodating. <P>Again what about your children. I am the product of a failed marriage that was dragged around long after its death. My mom did something similar to what you seem about to do; settle in for the long haul. I have many issue with trust that i relate partly to my parent's marriage. My father would come and go as he pleased. There one minute gone the next. My mom waited roughly 24 years before trying to on.<P>I am not trying to make you feel guilty but please fight not only for your marriage but also for your children.<BR>

i look forward to all the replies. thanks.<BR>when he left i don't think he thought i would put up a fight to keep the marriage or that i could become a new person so quickly. i have certainly put a new spin on things.<P>he would not talk to anyone at church because he was so ashamed. i wanted him to occassionally show up at church for the kids sake and not face embarassment. he would not talk to anyone with me. so that is why when he agreed to talk to steve , even if it was for my sake- i felt it was the hand of God. <P>he still calls everyday to tell me all about his day. he was not doing this before the separation. he complements me on changes i have made in the house, my looks, children's behavior. I am certainly not in denial - but i am in faith that God wants to heal this marriage. Pray for steve to give him the right words to at least think about what he may be doing to his family and that he can fall in love with me again. <BR>i know he is not a saint, but love moves first. so i am reaching out to fix what was broken hoping he will follow.

My wife did the same thing. My advice is maybe we should meet...that was a joke! I feel for you because I know first hand what you are going through. After about 2 months you will reconsider if you want the other person at all. Trying to change everything on your part is OK but dont loose your self respect. If he wants an affair he will have it no matter what. Even if he stayed with you. If you can't trust him, YOU CAN'T! The bottom line is a cheater is a cheater no matter if it's emotional or sexual. Take care of yourself and God will help. Just don't let him back that easy if at all.