Things have been really bad in my marrieage lately. My wife for 6 1/2 years, has recently started a bartending job, and I believe that was the start of our problems. I know I've made my share of mistakes, but for a long time now, I have been, giving, giving, giving... Around Christmas time she says she doesn't want me anymore. I just get more insecure, and beg her to try and work it out. Things get worse. There are times she doesn't come home, and the last time I didn't see her all weekend. Just the other night I picked her up from work (1am) and this guy (who's house she was at was there) so I peeked through the window, and seem the two of them by the jukebox. He was caressing her back. I go in and demand he takes his hands off her. And go back out to the car and wait. Finally an hour later she comes out gets the kids out of the car, and leaves with him. I talk to her the next day and ask what's going on. She replies that she is not sleeping with him, she's just seeing him, getting to know him better, and that it was over for us. I ask her to stop seeing him at least until she divorces me. She refuses.... The thing is we still sleep in the same bed, and it is the only time she lets me hold her. I'm crying, telling her how she is hurting me, and how much I love her, and would forgive her if she showed a little effort. She acts like she doesn't care. I'm a fairly attractive guy, 28 years old, I know I can find someone else, but I want my wife... What can I do? I continue to give, and give, and give, but it's not helping... I am so torn apart right now.

Welcome to this site. Please read my reply to "Dawson" in this same "Just Found Out" forum. I'll do that instead of repeating everything. However, just a few things for you.<P>First of all, how many kids do you have, and what are their ages?<P>You are not alone. We're all here for similar reasons. Generally, our spouses are having affairs because their needs were not being met. So if we want to save our marriages (and it is possible), we have to start meeting their needs, and make improvements in ourselves. Read the General Welcome for New Builders several posts below yours. That contains links to all the best information here.<P>One important thing to note is that begging and pleading for your wife to come back doesn't work. It seems like the thing to do when you are sick over the whole thing, and just want to appeal to their senses to stop hurting you. However, it just drives them away. What they need to start thinking about staying is to see changes in us that make them think that we are the best option for them. I speak about we because we are all in pretty much the same boat.<P>Post as often as you want, and perhaps tell us a bit more about the situation, and how it got like this. Everyone here helps each other. Again, please read the Welcome and my post to Dawson.<P>

I join Rick in welcoming you <B>agentx</B>...<P>Here is the post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>"(I) would forgive her if she showed a little effort..."...<BR>...this is an attitude to put aside a for a short time...<BR>...during your Plan A...<P>Do work on forgiving...<BR>...yourself first...<BR>...then your W!<P>Forgetting, on the other hand, will take much longer...<P>Stay... read... post.. ask...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I have been going through a similar situation myself. My W. started a part time bartending job late last summer. I haved blamed many of our problems on this. She admits to liking the attention she gets but usually adds that she would "never" seriously consider a relationship with a bar patron. Why would she even bring that part up? I feel that it is a bad environment for a married woman to be working in but the root of the problems lie in not meeting her needs in some way. The MB advice is so good here...dig in! Another thing to consider is yourself. I know I have tried to put her needs and wants before mine but it is important to take care of your own health too. I would read all I could on Plan A. Dr. Harley says to consider being prescribed anti-depressants if you need some help. I have seriously considered that myself. We have our kids to consider too, and they need a stable adult in their lives. Hang in there! <p>[This message has been edited by Ifeelstupid (edited January 30, 2001).]