I don’t really know where to start, at the beginning I guess. I’m a male 42 years old married for 8 years to the most wonderful woman in the world.<BR>You probably wont think I’m so wonderful though, I sure don’t!<BR> It happened starting 2 years ago, I met a younger woman and had an affair, it lasted about 6 months. It was an emotional affair only. I never at any time could have ever let it get physical. My wife found out and it stopped, at least for 6 months. I couldn’t let go of the other woman, in my mind anyway. I began calling her again, I told myself I would only call her never see her in person, and I never did. I talked to her on and off for 6 months feeling guilty as hell that I was doing this behind my wife’s back. I ended it with the other woman after realizing what I felt for her was not real and that I loved my wife more than ever, and have not contacted her since, which has been 8 months now. I felt I needed to come clean with my wife so I told her, now I wonder if honesty is such a good thing. She was hurt bad enough the first time, now hurt all over again. I swore to myself I would never ever do anything like this again, and that still stands! You all need to understand, I love my wife more than life itself, not only did I hurt her but myself as well with what I did, it’s probably going to sound odd but I never fell out of love with my wife and never wanted to through all this. I hurt the trust she ever had in me and hurt her as well. For 8 months I have been doing all any human being could ever do to try to save my family. About 4 weeks ago (3 days before X-mas) I found out that she was having an affair of her own, which had been going on for about 5 months. I was pretty cool about it considering the way I am. We talked and she told me that I had hurt her so badly that she turned to someone else. This someone else is a married man 4 years older than her, they have been corresponding for 5 months and have seen each other like 5 times, so my wife tells me? I can only go by what she tells me. Now I’m fighting to get her back, she is not ready to stop seeing the other man, so I’m doing all I can to be here for her living in the same house. I don’t know if anyone out there has ever done what I’m doing, my wife says its something she could never do and I’m not so sure I can either. But I’m doing my best. A week ago I was pressuring her to make a choice, you see she still loves me along with the other man. She actually chose me; I’ve never been so relived or felt so good in my entire life. You need to understand, I love and need my wife more than anything in the world.<BR> We had like three really good days, and then all hell broke loose. She had a bad dream and then something at work reminded her of him and out the window I went! We had a big fight and I moved out to a motel. I’ve never in my life felt so much pain. I couldn’t handle it! This woman I love so much is someone I feel I can’t live without. I spent the next 3 or 4 days either at the motel or in the bar, (the bar when it was open) Drinking I thought would help, I needed to escape reality and turned to the booze to do it, this did not help, the more I drank the more it hurt and the more I missed her. I wrote her note after note and would go to the house and drop them off while she was at work. One day she left me a note, she talked about how nice and understanding the other man was, and that she felt so much for him, well that was about all I could take. I pretty much lost it, I wrote letters to my family and made out a will. I could take no more, yes I was going to check out, end my life. I called her and I was just a bit upset and she knew it, she came home before I could leave and do what I was going to do. Thank god she calmed me down or you all wouldn’t be reading this. I’m now living here at home and trying to give my wife the space she needs to figure out what she needs to do with her life, you see she still loves me but is stuck between him and I. She calls him or he calls her at least once a day, and then at night they talk on ICQ. And E-mail each other back and forth. I have a real big problem in dealing with her having anything to do with him, I love her so much and it hurts so bad to know she’s talking to him. Can anyone tell me how to try to deal with this better than I am already, which is not very good. I’m here doing all I can do to try to make her happy, is this wrong? Is what I’m doing wrong? I don’t know how to deal with it at times, like today, she has gone off for the day and I don’t dare ask any questions. I don’t know if she’s with him or what. If she is I really don’t want to know, she has told me she is still going to see him, to know would be too much to handle.<BR> I need some help, can anyone shed some light on what I should or shouldn’t do here, or has anyone ever gone through this before how can give me some advise. I’m so afraid of loosing my wife because she is my world and I<BR>don’t know if I could ever stand to be without her. I can’t let go not even a little, I’ve tried already and it only made it hurt worse. I told her that no matter what she does I’d not hold anything against her. You see the worst part of all of this is it’s all my fault, everything started with my mistake and now I have only myself to blame for all that’s happened, my shoulders aren’t big enough to handle it all. To blame myself for not only what I did but for what she’s doing as well is harder than anything in the world. I asked that she be vary careful in the decisions that she makes, because I told her she doesn’t want to end up in the same boat that I’m in, I wish that on NO ONE!<BR>I’m not so sure anyone can help, but if anyone has any input at all it would be greatly appreciated.<BR> Thank you for your time. <BR> Mr.MGR or Better Yet Mr. SCREW UP<BR>

Hi nighthawk, I can somewhat relate to what you are going through I had an affair about 5 yrs ago then had another 3 yrs ago & alcohol & a low self-esteem had a lot to do with why I had the affair & my emotional needs were not being met by my husband that's what started it. And my husband was so hurt by those affairs he turned to other women as support for someone to talk to, I love my husband now more than ever some kind of light came on one day & I stopped drinking on my own and have been trying to be the best person I can possibly be for him & sometimes he still feels distant, I guess my advice is to you is to ride it out a while & try to do nice things for her & being nice is not going to hurt she is just hurt by you and you have to regain her trust, I am not an expert but I know how she feels also as well as how you feel now that she turned to another man for support you weren't giving her the attention she needed then and this other person is doing it now & it feels good to her she might wake up one day and realize and the light might come on!! I hope this doesn't confuse ya And remember if ya don't try your hardest then you will never now the turn out! Keep in touch<P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Good evening Nighthawk, the pain you are going through comes through loud and clear. Don't give up loving your wife. Be patient. Stop beating yourself up. You did something wrong and are willing to pay the price for the deed. You asked your wife for forgiveness, now ask Christ to forgive you and accept His forgiveness and be free. Your wife needs some time to work through the insecurity that is raging within her. I know what your wife is going through, I'm presently involved in an emotional relationship that was brought on by a situation which my husband initiated when he told me he didn't love me anymore. No matter what I did for 8 weeks he did not turn his heart towards me. I prayed for him, I couseled with my pastor (he wouldn't). And then I made plans to get away for a couple of days. He decided then that he didn't want to lose me and that he did love me. Unfortunately, my selfesteem was so low that I found emotional comfort in a male friend (through work) who lives on the east coast. Living 500 miles apart he provided emotional support when I felt like I was dying. Now my husband is waiting for me to return to 100% full love for him because he is so sorry he hurt me so deeply. He said nearly the same thing you said, It's his fault and now he has to pay for hurting me so. But you see I'm paying too, I entered into an emotional relationship that I never thought I would "ever" be tempted into! I am emotionally (not physically) tied to someone other than my husband. Do I believe this bond will be broken - YES! God is interceding and so is my husband, he's working every day on it. Emotional pain takes time to heal and it takes a lot of patience from those surrounding that person. So please be patient not only with your wife but also with yourself. You sound like a good man who wants to improve himself and the love he has for his wife. You see I'm encouraged by the patience my husband has shown because I know I'm almost home, yes my heart is menlting, being reshaped and turning towards home. My husband is becoming such a wonderful friend and a very romantic lover. This is the very thing that is breaking the emotional bond between my friend and me. Yes it is lessening. Yes there's hope. You see, at the foundation of my being I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him or leave him. We've been married almost 30 years. There have always rough times, but I know from experience that these difficult times pass. Each new challenge that comes and tries to steal our marriage is of a different nature. But you can get through them. (With God's help !) Here is simplistic advice but based on truth found in the bible: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another. So go ahead enjoy finding new ways to be romantic. Try to rekindle and restore those things that first lit the fires with your wife. I suggest warm baths, candlelight, scented lotions (Bath & Body has some great ones) for foot massages or back rubs (no strings attached), prepare dinner for her, write a love note for her, send her an email, help her do household chores. You have nothing to lose and your marriage to gain by going the extra mile. Ya know, what's an investment of 6 months or 12 months of being patient and waiting for her love to be restored in comparison to a lifetime. Being with the one you love and want to be with is worth it isn't it? Listen to me, begin to pray for her, it is the greatest gift you can give to her. Ask God to restore her love for you and for you to be the man she desires and wants. You can count on God wanting to answer this one, after all he is the ultimate "marriage builder". Take care, God Bless YOU BOTH and Stay Encouraged. By the way - Checking out will cause you to miss out on some of the "best" being brought out in you!

Tamai,thanks for your reply.I know about that light comming on, it came on for me!!!I'm not so sure it's going to come on for her,she is so sure this with him is more than an affair. I'm giving this marriage 200%,becouse if I do loose her to him it's not going to be becouse I did not give it my ALL!!! Then maybe I can live with it?<BR>Thanks again,nighthawk....

eztofall,thank you for your reply,It made me cry.I'm so glad and so happy for you both that things are working,I only wish it were so for me.I had a really bad day yestarday and things don't look so good.I try with all I have plus some to do the rite things, my wife was gone most of the day yestarday and when she returned I asked if she had been with him,(the other man) she said YES! This is the hardest thing for me to deal with,the phone calls are not so bad but the to be with him,I can't handle!! <BR> I wish I could do the things you are doing, but she feels bad when I get close to her, she feels like she's betraying him I think. She dosent seem to mind betraying me in seeing him and knowing what it's doing to me. Maybe Ive already lost,I sure feel that way at times. I'm not going to give up no matter what,my wife is my life and I pray for it to get better. I can't take it getting any worse!<BR>nighthawk..

Just something to add to my original post,about a week ago I got to pushing and my wife made the choise to drop him and be with me,this was the most wonderfull thing,It lasted a hole two days! A bad dream and something at work reminded her of him and in the trash I went again.Now I start all over again,this has got to be the HARDEST thing in the world to do.Thank you all for helping me and most of all being there for me!<BR>Thanks,nighthawk..

Hang in there Nighthawk. You can make it, just take one day at a time. Let your love flow to her and concentrate on her needs. I know it's difficult because you have needs and they are not being met. But you can do this. It's good that your opening up and at least talking about it. Go to MarriageBuilders.com and start reading it's a great resource to help you through the pain. I'll be checking in to hear how things are going. Keep talking to your friends here. Your in my prayers. Good Bless, stay encouraged.

Hi Nighthawk, <P> Hang in there hon You sound so sincere & I can tell you love your wife alot & that brings me to the conversation my husband & I had last night, I told him that if he was to find someone else to give his love to that I would let him go because at least I know I gave it my best try to regain the love & trust that was once there before I ripped it out and stomped all over it and I feel like a real ***** for that & I told him.<P> But only time will tell if your W will feel for you again you have to realize how much she hurts because I realize how much my husband hurts & I just know that I have to meet his needs & put him number 1 without hurting myself in the process. I do hope things work out for ya and keep us posted <P>------------------<BR>Tamai

Hello all, I wanted to thank you all for your help, but I got hurt again and found I couldent deal with shearing her anymore! I made her choose, of course she chose HIM!<BR>Now she has let go of me to be with HIM, that's not going to be easy with HIS WIFE around! I wish I could have done better, but the pain was to much to take knowing she was seeing him! I need to get over this somehow??? I have no clue where to start! <BR>Thank you all again for your help! <BR>nighthawk...<p>[This message has been edited by nighthawk (edited January 30, 2001).]

Oh you poor guy well at least you know you tried your best & you never know maybe someday If you love something really bad set it free if it comes back it was meant to be think about it for a while if you need someone to talk to you can e-mail me at queentamai@hotmail.com. And once again please keep the faith <P>------------------<BR>Tamai