I was wondering if anyone would be willing to offer their insight/experience/help. <P>I am engaged to a man who has a history of cheating on every single woman he has been with since his marriage (I don't know the details before that). When he was married for 10 years, he cheated on her, with a few people no less, and then left her for the main woman he was cheating with. It did not last long, as he cheated on her also, and left her to move in with the next, where he lived for 3 years. Then he cheated on that one as well, and left her to move in with the next which lasted about 6 months to a year. When he met me, he told me the last one was merely his roommate, and being quite naive, I beleived him. It was only later when she moved his things into storage (she had found out about his cheating on her) that I clued in, and he then compensated for that by telling me that since he had met me, he was never sexual with her again, even though he lived there. Which I know is not true as I have spoken with her recently (okay, I have been doing a bit of snooping...).<P>There is a logical explanation for the snooping, as for almost a year, he has been withdrawn and distant, and hasn't had time for me. We both have very busy practices, as he is a lawyer, and I am a financial advisor. He had proposed to me on New Year's Eve, December 31/99. I suspected that he was cheating on me for various reasons (strange phone calls, secretive behaviour, times he would disappear with no explanation, and over the holidays, lingerie receipts. There is more but I will not bore you.). When confronted, it took him days of lying and changing his stories around to finallly admit that he had cheated on me. I do believe there is more that he is withholding from me, but will not admit, and at this point I would not put it past him to have cheated on me with more than one person. Apparently he had slept with this other person as early as Feb/00, which was only just over a month after proposing to me.<P>The other woman was a client by the way. And this is not the first client that I know of that he has had sex with. So you can understand my mistrust of him even at work. Apparently this lady's son's case is over, as her son's sentencing was last Friday morning, which, by the way, my fiance only stated after I had found out that she had called him that morning on his cell phone. He said she was calling to find out how her son's case went. Am I being stupid to believe this? <P>I have difficulty with both the cheating and the lying. The cheating is bad enough, but it is insulting to listen to the pathetic lies. He also does not have a very contrite attitude, and does not feel that he should have to account for his whereabouts/actions even though he was caught. I will say though that he appears to be on the level now, and not sneaking around to the best of my knowledge (except for those phone calls which he has explained away).<P>However, my main question is: do you think this relationship can be fixed? Is it possible that he can change in view of the fact that he has always cheated? Is it possible for him to become honest with me? Do you think the relationship with the other woman has really ended? What steps should I take to ensure that I protect myself? I like to believe the best about a person, and I do believe people can change, but I don't want to be naive anymore. Having said that, I also do not want to be neurotic either. <P>I should also make mention of the fact that there is an age difference between us, as I am 26, and he is 51 (he looks 40). However, our age difference has never come between us - his infidelity has. Having said that, perhaps there is something he is going through within himself that needs an attractive younger woman? I have always noticed that he is overly fascinated with attractive women, and that he is overly friendly/flirtatious, etc. to the point of my feeling insecure, which is ridiculous in view of the fact that I am attractive, veluptuous, etc., and there would be no reason to look elsewhere. In fact, on an instance when he took me out for dinner, he talked to a lady he didn't even know at another table for about 15 minutes, and told me the next day that she was "giving him the eye". So perhaps he has some issues, I don't know. I think he needs the attention from women in some sort of way. By the way, please do not mistake my description of myself as conceit, as that is not what I mean by stating the words above. <P>If anyone can offer advice, I would really welcome it. It is difficult for me to discuss this with anyone that knows us, since he is well-known in the community. He is not some sort of terrible person, and in fact he has alot of great qualities, but I think he may need professional help. I am mainly concerned as to whether a 51 year old man will ever change such type of behaviour on a permanent basis. What do you think?<BR>

I know your story is slanted a bit...<BR>...or at least I hope it is...<BR>...but even if it is slightly true... get away from him.<P>If you stay and marry him..<BR>...he will surely say... "I didn't hide anything from you... you knew what you were getting into..."<BR>...and he's right!<P>You are young...<BR>You are bright...<BR>You have a future...<P>...run from this man as soon as you can.<P>Stay here and find out what a man can real be like...<BR>...and find one who understands the MB principles...<BR>...and will live by them...<BR>...<B>before you get married</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Please please get away from this man!! You are only 26 there is someone so much better out there for you why waste your time with this loser.<P>He may be a sex addict? Possibly narcissitic personality disorder. In any case he can only change if he wants to and then only with intense therapy and true desire on his part.

I cannot type very well as I suspect my finger is broken. He found out I had posted the message, and apparently wanted to teach me a lesson. I'm sorry. This isn't the first time but it is the worst.<P>He has left now so if anyone can talk that would be great. <P>Jim, you are right. It wasn't stupid to be cheated on, but it would be stupid to stay, right? I don't know what you mean by saying my story is slanted by the way. And it is more than slightly true. I haven't even said everything.....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>I know your story is slanted a bit...<BR>...or at least I hope it is...<BR>...but even if it is slightly true... get away from him.<P>If you stay and marry him..<BR>...he will surely say... "I didn't hide anything from you... you knew what you were getting into..."<BR>...and he's right!<P>You are young...<BR>You are bright...<BR>You have a future...<P>...run from this man as soon as you can.<P>Stay here and find out what a man can real be like...<BR>...and find one who understands the MB principles...<BR>...and will live by them...<BR>...before you get married</B>!<P> <P>Jim<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Please get away from this man...<P>Right now...<BR>Immediately...<BR>Without question!<P>Abusive men like this should never be in the picture for any marriage!!!<P>Please... get away from him ASAP!<P> <P>Jim<P>PS: the "slant" I was talking about was my not understanding <I>how</I> accurate your description was...<BR>...sadly is was <I>too</I> kind a description of him. <p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 31, 2001).]

Dear confused26:<P>"I cannot type very well as I suspect my finger is broken. He found out I had posted the message, and apparently wanted to teach me a lesson. I'm sorry. This isn't the first time but it is the worst.<P>He has left now so if anyone can talk that would be great. "<P>Honey, what would you tell your daughter if she came to you with this story? What would you advise your best friend? <P>Leave aside the "But I love him" part of the equation. <P>THe first thing I thought when I read your post was "narcissist". He's not a 20 something sowing his wild oats. Having sex with many women is how he proves he is a man. In my opinion, he's showing no conscience (the psychobabble terms are "sociopath" or "psychopath", I think). <P>You aren't yet married, nor do you have children. What do you need to get yourself out of this mess? <P>Why are you holding out hope that he can change? Based on what? <P>The biggest romantic fiction people can have is that "love can change him/her into a good, faithful spouse". That you are the magic cure. That you hold the key. That all the others were just too wrong, too selfish, too naiive, too sexless, too anything. <P>Another big romantic fiction is the "But I love him" lament. It's like the worse the abuse or cheating, the person hangs on, as if their fidelity to the cheater or abuser proves the special, unique, true quality of their love.<P>NSR is right. All the cheating, plus the broken finger? Go to an emergency room, tell the personnel what happened, file a complaint, have this guy arrested, and get a restraining order against him. <P>While you're there, get tested for STD's. <P>This is your golden opportunity. Don't blow it. Don't condemn your unborn babies to a life with this man. He won't change.<P>Please post back. <P>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 31, 2001).]

Dear Belle,<P>Thank you for your message. I am feeling really confused right now. My finger is only sprained I think, not broken by the way. But it does hurt like hell. I am going to the doctor today as per your advice. Right after I type this message actually... <P>I actually do have a child, a son who will be 6 this April, who regards him as his "daddy". (I have no idea where the natural father is as he disappeared when my son was born.) But this is the man (current)that I have been with for almost 3 years now. So it is more difficult in view of this I think. But I think I am coming around to the right view of saying it's over. I am starting to recognize ways in which this one too is very controlling. In fact, he had keys to my house after 2 months of my being with him, but I have never had keys to his. (I have them back now - I got them back about one month ago....when I found out he was cheating on me...) And somehow he is very effective at blaming everything that happens on me, so that I think that there is something wrong with me. <P>He is already dismissing what he has done (the cheating), claiming it only happened once (therefore he thinks once is okay???) and treating me as though there is something wrong with me for not letting it go. And of course I can't let it go because he treats it like nothing, and has never been completely honest with me. I can deal with truth but not lies. I find lies insulting to a person's sense of reason and intelligence, personally. Besides morally wrong...okay, even if he was initially embarassed, he might lie, but eventually you have to "fess up" or the relationship cannot go forward right?<P>Do you really think that he is narcissistic? Or needs it as an ego thing? I have wondered that. I try to figure out why....and then I keep coming back to the fact that he's always done it to everyone in the line-up of women he's been with. And of course he always blames them - they were inadequate, cold, distant, etc. But I do think the common denominator is him. So I am slowly coming around....<P>I am confused though. I guess I keep hoping that maybe I am wrong about him. But from the responses I have had so far I am afraid that I am really right. That he will never change. I guess if he is 51 and has always done this, there is little chance of it ever changing, right?<P>Thanks for your note - please write me back...<P>confused26<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bellevue:<BR><B>Dear confused26:<P>"I cannot type very well as I suspect my finger is broken. He found out I had posted the message, and apparently wanted to teach me a lesson. I'm sorry. This isn't the first time but it is the worst.<P>He has left now so if anyone can talk that would be great. "<P>Honey, what would you tell your daughter if she came to you with this story? What would you advise your best friend? <P>Leave aside the "But I love him" part of the equation. <P>THe first thing I thought when I read your post was "narcissist". He's not a 20 something sowing his wild oats. Having sex with many women is how he proves he is a man. In my opinion, he's showing no conscience (the psychobabble terms are "sociopath" or "psychopath", I think). <P>You aren't yet married, nor do you have children. What do you need to get yourself out of this mess? <P>Why are you holding out hope that he can change? Based on what? <P>The biggest romantic fiction people can have is that "love can change him/her into a good, faithful spouse". That you are the magic cure. That you hold the key. That all the others were just too wrong, too selfish, too naiive, too sexless, too anything. <P>Another big romantic fiction is the "But I love him" lament. It's like the worse the abuse or cheating, the person hangs on, as if their fidelity to the cheater or abuser proves the special, unique, true quality of their love.<P>NSR is right. All the cheating, plus the broken finger? Go to an emergency room, tell the personnel what happened, file a complaint, have this guy arrested, and get a restraining order against him. <P>While you're there, get tested for STD's. <P>This is your golden opportunity. Don't blow it. Don't condemn your unborn babies to a life with this man. He won't change.<P>Please post back. <P>Belle, Domestic Goddess<P>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 31, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear confused26:<BR>[B]Dear Belle,<P>"I am feeling really confused right now."<P>Is it really confusion? Or are you telling yourself that since "My finger is only sprained I think, not broken by the way," that you are over-reacting. If so, this is standard for abused women. They keep lowering the bar every time the abuser hurts them. The standard gets lower with time. <P>Okay, so you have a 6 year old who thinks of this man as his Daddy. He's not his Daddy. Letting this man with such a bad track record into your life and allowing a relationship to develop between him and your boy was a mistake, but you aren't obligated to keep making that mistake.<P>Your son is learning how relationships work by watching you and your "boyfriend". He sees as normal that you don't marry, but simply come and go without a commitment, and that if your woman displeases you it is okay to hurt her and that there is no consequence if you send her to the hospital. <P>People here must think I'm married to a locksmith, the number of times I write "change the locks". He could have made copies of your keys. <P>Are you ready to end this? Or are you just killing time here, hoping to hear a remedy for your painful situation.<P>Don't lie to yourself. You're not confused. You know full well what is going on. People who aren't snowballed by your boyfriend see clearly what is going on. Isn't that what you want? Clarity?<P>Let us know how you're doing after you get back from the doctor.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Hi Belle,<P>Thanks for your note. However, I am really not killing time here. It is one thing when someone is not in the situation, and of course everything is crystal clear. And I am coming around. But he has called me a total of 20 times today so far. He has never called me in a day so much in my life. He is at times possessive of me as his fiancee.....I finally took the call. He asked about my hand, and if he could take me to a movie Friday night. I said I don't know about the movie. Now I just feel stupid even talking to him. Nothing really changes....<P>I couldn't see my regular doctor today as the weather is bad out here (snowy). So I went to a clinic...the doctory gave me a slip to get X-rayed. Which I will do...as well as the appropriate testing at my own doctor's....I had my annual testing in November, and all was fine then, but I am going to go again anyway. <P>I am actually seeing a therapist tomorrow morning, and I have seen her a couple of times already, but not since December. She tells me to get rid of this man also by the way....<P>Of course the minute he found out I talked to a therapist (a couple of months back), he was upset that I went, and started calling me a lunatic. I told him that the fact that he never had time to listen meant I had to go somewhere else to be heard and talk about my feelings, and that at least it was a professional. <P>He knows I am going to talk to her tomorrow and is ticked off. I think he is more worried about what I will say, and the fact that he is known in the legal community than anything else.<P>Which I guess is why I haven't changed the locks. I do trust him not to have made duplicates - that would be the equivalent of breaking and entering, and I am sure he wouldn't want to be up on charges as a lawyer. <P>Maybe I am not so much confused....I don't know. I am tired, and overwhelmed I guess. <P>Anyhow, thanks for listening. And thanks for your notes. It is nice knowing people out there are concerned and care. And hopefully I won't disappoint anyone and actually take a stand here with him. I am trying to work up to it. I told him tonight that if he even wants to be a friend of mine (i.e. not even a fiance), he will have to A) be honest with himself, and B) be honest with me about things, past, present and future. I really don't think he has the strength of character to do so, so we shall see....perhaps I will not have anymore phone calls from him. Perhaps I will be off the hook...then again perhaps I will really have to take a stand...<P>confused26 <P><BR>

Dear confused,<BR>I just saw your letter today. The "he's always cheated- can he ever change" caught my eye because I am also involved with a chronic cheater. What makes it worse (and doesn't say a whole lot about me) is that in this case he is married and I am the other woman. I know how these men work from this side of it...they are handsome, charming and know exactly what to say at the right time to keep you hanging on. All the feelings and evidence you have of him cheating are right on the money. Trust your intuition. He will ALWAYS cheat on you. I am convinced these kind of men are truly sick. They can lie and fabricate a story for an alabi in a heartbeat. I have even been in the same room while he calls his wife and it is truly disgusting, it makes me cry it is just so bizarre to watch someone operate without conscience. If he is lying to her then of course he is doing it to me too...just like your man is doing it to you. After far to long of waiting for him to leave his wife, believing he really loved me and believing "I could change him because "our" love is different" I am finally starting to see the light and see this man for what he really is (pond sucking scum). <BR>I am starting therapy tomorrow to find out what it is about me that I allowed myself to get involved with him. Like your experience, this man is a professional (doctor) and highly regarded in the medical community. He also has a history of cheating which I am certain he is not being honest about, I'm sure there are many more than he admits to. He is incredibly vain and self-centered. Please don't marry a man like this. He will NEVER change and will only hurt your self-esteem and bring you down. Plus, you have a son who needs a mom who is happy and not worried about whether her husband is out cheating on her. Your son will learn all about relationships from watching you. Also, he will learn how to treat women by watching the way you are treated. <BR>You sound smart and attractive. It is easy to get sucked into these things and even harder to get out. I really hope the best for you and hope you will RUN away from this guy as fast as I am running from mine.....I'll race ya!

RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!!<P>It would be the best thing you could POSSIBLY do for your son....and for you. You are right to question.....<P>I think people can make a mistake...once. But over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over andover and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....<P>I think you get my drift. It's sickening!! HE WILL NOT CHANGE! If he was going to change, he would have done it by now.<P>Get Dr. Laura's book "The 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" and read it thoroughly. <P>Break this engagement as soon as possible and don't let your son near him. A son without a father is better of than a son with this kind of a "loser" for a father.<P>Just my humble opinion.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited February 05, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited February 05, 2001).]

Confused, Run like hell!!!!!! This man is abusing you emotionally and physically. He will do it to your son, IF you let him hang around long enough. You seem like an intelligent woman and I'm sure you already know this. Find the strength within yourself to save yourself and your son. And as far as him being well respected in the community, well, then, he shouldn't have tried to break your finger for typing something he didn't like. It's the same as belting you in the mouth for saying something he didn't like. I send you prayers for strength.<P>

It is okay to beleive that one day he will change.... But right now it's not with you. Once he loses you he will learn the lesson and maybe the next person he decides to have a relationship with will be the one to recieve a loyal commitment.<P>There are men out there who will commit to you and your child and be monogomous. <P>His maltreatment is proof of his insecurities and inabilty to commit to you or be the partner you need in your life. You are young. <P>Don't waste any more of your time. It's great that you are in therapy. It will help to bring up your self esteem and in time you'll see that you will be happy....not by yourself...but with yourself!<P>Good Luck....Q

dear confused26,<P>"But he has called me a total of 20 times today so far. He has never called me in a day so much in my life. He is at times possessive of me as his fiancee.....I finally took the call. He asked about my hand, and if he could take me to a movie Friday night. I said I don't know about the movie. Now I just feel stupid even talking to him. Nothing really changes...."<P>20 calls to see how you are doing, and he makes a date for Friday night? Sounds like the classic abuser behavior. After they abuse, they are penitent, swear it will never happen again. They do nice things, buy flowers, become very attentive. It's even got a name: "the honeymoon stage"<P>It only gets worse. The cheating and the abuse and the attempts at control. <P>Good luck. Take care of yourself and your little boy. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

To all:<P>I just wanted to let you know that I have rid myself of this man once and for all. I found out so many things since I last posted, mainly with regard to his cheating. Apparently this man was leading a severe double life, if not more lives. He has cheated on me since before the engagement, I found out, since I talked to the other woman. (And there is more than one, but she is the main one.) She had no idea he had a fiance, and we compared the lies, etc. he had maintained with both of us, and then we caught him together in his lies. We both have no use for him as person now, so he has lost a couple of options....although I am sure that he has other options to chose from. To know the level of his deviousness was certainly eye opening, to say the least. I am convinced based on many of his actions, etc. that he has absolutely no conscience or natural feeling for anyone but himself. And although he apologizes, etc., he still continues to lie even now that he has been caught, and he is more concerned about who knows, or who I've spoken to or gotten information from, than the fact that he has hurt me. People like this I am sure never change. They are too wrapped up in themselves to really care about someone else.<P>I have spoken with his ex-wife as well, who I have been friends with since my relationship started with him. She also informed his daughters, who I am also close to, and at this point they have given up trying to understand why their dad cheats.<P>He on the other hand, is telling his mother lies about me, and the reason we are not together. And I just don't even care. His ex-wife says she will lay it on the line and tell his mother (who puts him on a pedestal) the truth.<P>The worst part is that I feel like I am walking around in shock. I knew he had cheated, but I did not know it was before the engagement, and I did not know the extent of his unconscionable behaviour. I didn't know he was telling someone else how much he loved them and that he wanted to start a life with them, etc. I am truly disgusted by him as a person. I don't think I have met a more shallow man in my life, and I hope I never do again. There is so much more I could tell you, but to sum things up I am convinced he has a mental or personality disorder of some sort. Normal people do not do the things he has done.<P>He says he is going to seek therapy, etc., and that he recognizes that he has a problem. I personally don't care what he does, as long as he leaves me the hell alone. I have no use for this man whatsoever. When I look at my photographs, it is the worst, as I feel so empty inside, knowing that he had been cheating on me at those times in our relationship. I am still in a state of shock. I am finding it difficult to function, and my work life is starting to suffer. I feel like an emotional wreck.<P>However, as low as I feel right now, I know I will never look back. I can say that with absolute confidence. I just wanted you all to know that I didn't wimp out and stay with him in the end. I also want to thank you for all of your support. It was really encouraging to get your replies throughout this ordeal.

Hi Confused,<P> THANK GOD you see the light.....Print these posts out and when you feel as if you are weakening read them again, Ok? This guy might try to charm you again or you might start feeling lonely and want to contact him.........Thinking of you...LU

Dear confused26:<P>Bravo! I'm so relieved for you and your little boy.<P>"he is more concerned about who knows, or who I've spoken to or gotten information from, than the fact that he has hurt me. People like this I am sure never change. They are too wrapped up in themselves to really care about someone else."<P>Excellent, you really DO get it! There is nothing inside this guy, there is no core to him. It's all about his image, but he's hollow. How it must hurt, to realize the other person in your "relationship" wasn't who he pretended to be. It does hurt when you find out that the whole thing was a lie. Really, I do understand. <P><BR>" in shock. " yes, you are in shock. It's like the millisecond before the sting of a wasp starts to hurt - a buzzing feeling, and it will start to hurt soon. I used to have physical sensations that I was walking through curtains, that something was brushing my face, or that I was up against something. I "knew" there was nothing there, but I was numb. Wish I could explain it better. It will hurt for a long time once the shock wears off. It's okay. You can get through it.<BR>"but to sum things up I am convinced he has a mental or personality disorder of some sort. Normal people do not do the things he has done." <P>Yeah. You got it.<P>"He says he is going to seek therapy, etc., and that he recognizes that he has a problem. "<P>It won't matter. He's probably smart enough to fool even the best therapist. He won't change.<P>"I am still in a state of shock. I am finding it difficult to function, and my work life is starting to suffer. I feel like an emotional wreck."<P>Get some professional help. Maybe even some meds. It isn't a sign of weakness to get help or take medication. You need every support you can find right now, for yourself, your job, and your little boy.<BR>Again, bravo. Come back and post, let me know how you're doing! And I'm sure the others will want to know too!<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Hi,<P>I agree with everyone here. I had one of those guys, charming and handsome. They don't stop, they just get sneakier and refine their lying techniques. It's a good thing you won't have 20 years of pictures to look at. I am disgusted that he was out with other women when I was pregnant with both his children (I didn't know then). I ended up with an STD from my wonderful now XH and you really need to fear that. If he's done it that much, he's gonna get something and you don't need any unwanted "gifts". And as an extra bonus, I would go and get fully tested to make sure you haven't gotten something so far!<P>There are good men out there - please, go find a real one.<P>Take care.<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited February 23, 2001).]

Hi everyone,<P>I am still not with him, but he is trying to worm his way into my life. And I have made the mistake of spending some time with him here and there, usually when he says he wants to talk, etc......Of course he is nice one minute (when I am nice back) and nasty the next (when I challenge him on any issues).<P>It turns out my finger was and still is broken, by the way. I had the X-ray done, and I still have to go back to my regular doctor to see whether it is healing properly. <P>I am so tired of the stress related to this man, and I know I won't go back to him, so please don't worry on that note. I do see him for what he is, which is a manipulative, controlling, selfish, self-serving, devious man who lacks real virtue and morals and will always be sneaky and lie and cheat. And when I type that out, it just reemphasizes the question: who wants to be with such a person???? So don't worry, I will not be with this man.<P>He told me this past weekend that he wants to marry me, and as soon as possible. That he realizes he messed up and bla, bla, bla (I won't bore you with the junk that comes out of his mouth). If he really thinks I would agree to that, he must be wierder than I originally thought the last time I posted. This is definitely not a normal person.....<P>My feeling is that he views me as a possession, and cannot stand the thought of me moving on, or being with anyone else. In fact he said straight out to me, "I don't want anyone else to have you" and "I can't stand the thought of anyone else touching you". So I think I am like a possession to him that he doesn't want to give up to anyone else. He probably also is realizing at 51 that it would be good to hang on to me. (Of course, this would be the worst thing for me, but that is of no relevance or concern to him.)<P>This is indeed a very selfish person. Whenever he talks to me, he brings up his needs and wants and feelings. Not a word about my needs whatsoever. <P>Some days I am very strong, and others I am weak, and I answer the phone. Then I wonder why on earth I did. I think it will be difficult for the next while, but each day seems to get better. I just feel like I am set back everytime I talk to him. I start to wonder if I should give him a chance when he is acting (the key word here is "acting", I'm sure...) nice and sweet....then he lies, or argues (to justify his devious and immoral behaviour), etc.....and it is back to square one and I feel like an idiot for giving him the time of day. So I have to concentrate on not giving him him any time of day whatsoever. Not picking up the phone, etc. Sometimes that is difficult. Any suggestions? I am trying to keep busy so that I feel like I have a life and don't need to hear what he has to say. Or I remind myself of how I don't want my son to grow up knowing this man anymore. But some days are definitely easier than others.<P>Having said that, I won't give in/break down, etc. And I will keep you guys posted......thanks again for all of your support. I am still amazed that complete strangers actually care about what I am going through over here. It has really helped alot. <P>

Hi Confused,<P> I am so glad you are keeping your head on straigh and not falling for his manipulations.<P>This really bothers me though....if he is capable of breaking your finger I am worried for your safety ....especially when he gets possesive ("can't live without you stuff")....Do you have a place to go if he would threaten you? PLEASE be very careful and have some kind of plan or place to go......LU