Oh Twyla...my heart goes out to you for the pain you are in...<P>I second the recommendation to read Dr. Laura's book "The 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess up Their Lives." Be strong!!!<P>I have been in Plan B for (4) months now and it has been a tremendous help to my emotional state. It was November 99 that I found out about my H's affair and he moved out of the house and in with her in January 00. It broke my heart and I came very close to killing myself twice. <P>But things are better now. I still don't know what's going to happen to my life. I pretty much have accepted that he's not coming back, and at this point, I think I've lost my love for him....which I thought would NEVER happen. I now have to start a whole new life...not something I wanted to do at 44!<P>Anyway, don't let his "words" get to you. Yes he will be sad...he SHOULD be sad....but it's all of his own making and there's nothing you can do to fix it. <P>If he says he's changed, let his actions prove it.<P>You're in my prayers.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

This is all so sad, but it is unreasonable for him to ask you to "wait" for him while he sits on the fence. He either makes a firm committment to come back to you, recover & stay with you....or move on. It isn't fair for you to wait. I'm glad that you aren't.<P>You are a strong person. Stay in your firm Plan B and don't let his sweet words sway you...let his actions prove what he really wants.

Twyla:<P>Support, a cyber hug, and more support. Good girl. Your doing the best thing to protect yourself. Now stay strong, and stay away. Bless you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thanks so much to all of you for your words of support. It means so much to me. I am trying to keep busy, and accomplish something, anything, day by day. What seems so hard is realizing how much we used to share about our day. You know, bouncing stuff off of each other. In some ways it's so much harder because I have lost my best friend. But, all I can do is pray for some peace. Part of me wishes with all my heart he will come back, and part of me is so scared that he will, and we'll not be able to have the strength to recover. Is this normal?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Yesterday:<BR>[BHave you read Dr. Laura Schlessingers' book? *TEN STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES*[/b]<P>Was that auto-biographical? <P><BR>

Twyla:<P>I think you are playing this perfectly, and you sound like a very strong and rational lady. That this guy could be sending you pages like that really makes my blood boil. He obviously just wants to have two ladies in his life, and is going to toy with your heart to keep you on the hook.<P>Stay strong, and don't allow any contact. If he does contact you and say he is through with her, think about what your terms would be to take him back. One would certainly be for him to be checked for STDs.<P>I would also reiterate the concern above that idf he is fooling around while dating, he is probably a pretty significant risk to fool around when married.<P>I would also recommend that, regardless of what happens, you immediately go get screened for STDs, since he was fooling around before you found out and introduced condoms. <P>Hang tough...when things get rough, come post here. Stay strong.

Thanks again to all of you. The pager messages continue " R U OK", "Miss U so Much", "We will win", and I confess I paged back to the R U OK with "yes getting strong". Couldv'e kicked myself afterwards, but figure I'm human. Supposedly (from what he had said before Plan B kicked in) he is going to break with her tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. It would just tear me up again. The no communication stuff is tough! We had lots of activities we usually do (coed sports teams) that are kicking off this week, but I'm staying away. Deep breathing seems to be the best thing I do.<BR>Thanks again.<BR>

Twyla:<P>Deep breathing - Lamaze revisited? <P>Well, heck, this heartbreak stuff IS painful. <P>Never worked for me but - hang on, you can do it. Plan A worked good for you. He knows what he's missing. Come here and post for encouragement, okay?<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Belle, you do make me laugh! That Lamaze never worked well for me either. If only we could invent an epidural for a broken heart, we'd make millions!!!

Well, her court date came and went yesterday. He was in the clinic when I arrived and wanted to talk. He reiterated that he loved me, and that I'm his future and he just hasn't had time to break it off with her. He wanted to talk about what we could do to make our relationship stronger. I told him I needed a commitment and to trust him again. I was polite and said very softly, "Well, XXXXX, I love you very much but I cannot see you until it's over with her. You can contact me then". Then I walked out. Please tell me I'm doing this right!! I feel so mad and confused and alone and really STUPID for waiting for him. Do they always go back and forth like this????

It sounds like you are doing wonderfully! You kept calm and remained polite and you were honest. Sounds good to me.

Sounds like you handled yourself well. Now stick with your Plan B!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Twyla:<BR><B>He reiterated that he loved me, and that I'm his future and he just hasn't had time to break it off with her.</B><P>"Hasn't had the time" Gee, that is a showstopper. Haven't heard that one. How many hours does one set aside for that task?<P><B>He wanted to talk about what we could do to make our relationship stronger.</B><P>Let's see...I have one item on my list, how about you ? Sorry, but this conversation is bringing the sarcasm out in me.<P><B>Then I walked out. Please tell me I'm doing this right!!</B><P>You are. I think he is manipulating the heck out of you. He hasn't had the "time" to dump her, and he is struggling to figure out what is wrong with your relationship. Give me a break. <P>Stick to your guns. Unfortunately, I think he is getting a big ego boost out of this.<P>I think in your place I would drop him a note asking him to not approach or contact you again, you are moving on, since he chose the other woman over you, you don't want to interfere in their relationship, you hope he is happy with her, no hard feelings, but stop the pages and work ambushes, you will not be part of a love triangle. <P>I think you have him on the run, and he has to see for sure that the option of stringing both of you along is not going to happen. <P>I think you are doing great.

To all of you...thanks for the boost!!! Feel better today..could almost take on the world. Mike, I loved your sarcasm, and I have to admit that I had a few sarcastic answers floating around in my brain at the time too. Starting to feel like Ally McBeal!!! Anyway, I have a full schedule planned this week and next with conferences and old friends, so I'm glad I'm on the upswing even if it only temporary. I'm finding part of recovery is telling yourself to just be happy in simple things. I'm going to try to limit my bad and lonely thoughts to a certain time each day. The best thing about all of this is the time I've spent on myself, walking, swimming, gosh, I've lost 26 lbs and look great! I feel pretty and desirable and I like it!!! I also think that because this happened and I felt so insignificant and belittled, I've gone out of my way to make sure I don't make anyone else feel that way. You know, showing appreciation for the little stuff, taking time to listen a little more intently to my kids, friends and patients. And that certainly gives me a feeling of happiness and self worth. I guess I can say, that while this has been horrible for me, in a way, it may be the best thing that has ever happened in terms of personal growth. I know so many of us are going through so much pain, and the way all of you have reached out to me has made me want to reach back to you and others. Maybe I'll even have the nerve to give my 2 cents on some of the other posts!! If nothing else...let's all just smile and be thankful we found some friends.<BR>T

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Twyla:<BR><B>The best thing about all of this is the time I've spent on myself, walking, swimming, gosh, I've lost 26 lbs and look great!</B><P>Yes, we call this ther infidelity diet. It is not recommended by physicians, however. Side effects can include gunshot wounds and moving expenses.<P>Anyway, it is good to see that you are on an upswing. Frankly, we all think you are too good for him anyway! <BR>