I found out about 4 weeks ago, had suspected for a couple of months. OW is a coworker (how typical). He had himself transferred to another location so that they wouldn't be working together. <P>He swears the affair is over and that he has had no contact with her since I confronted him. How can I ever believe him? I want our marriage to work, and he says he does too. I still love him and I feel like I'm really pathetic because of that. <P>I go between being happy that he chose to stay with me, to being sick with suffering and despair. We start counseling together tomorrow. I'm sick about that too. Will more hurtful things come out? Will I find out it was all my fault? My self-esteem is pretty well nonexistent right now. <P>I need to know all the sordid little details too. Is that weird? When I ask these questions, I can see he is getting annoyed. Is this harming our recovery? I'm so unsure of how to act. Basically I want to scream and yell, throw stuff, break things, throw up, stab him, etc. <P>How long does it take before trust starts building up again? I'm scared whenever he goes anywhere that he is seeing her or phoning her on his cell. I hate feeling like that. I spend hours searching through his stuff to find out if he is still seeing her. I haven't found anything, but that doesn't make me any more confident, just makes me think he is really good at hiding stuff. <P>Sorry this is long. I feel pretty sick.

I'm about 2 months into this and the trust has not returned yet. The only thing I've found that helps is I've come to realize that nothing I can do will stop him if he wants to cheat. I can call him non stop, pester him about it, question constantly...but in the end if he wants to do it he will. You just have to relieve yourself of the stress of feeling that if you snoop or interrogate it will help stop anything from happening.<P>As for getting the details, I'd hold off. Right now everything is still very close to the surface and you both need time to get comfortable with each other again. If he feels less defensive he'll be more likely to open up and this can only happen if you give him the impression that it's safe to talk with you. This will take time, let some distance from the A build up right now and the emotions in you both settle down. <P>I'm sure once things between you are more stable then you can ask questions and get honest answers. It's not at all easy to hold back but right now you have to.<p>[This message has been edited by Nduli (edited February 01, 2001).]

too late! I have already asked him tons of questions about the whole thing, where, when, why, what they did, etc. Don't know why, but it goes around and around in my head and I have to get it out. He has answered them all, even though it is hard for him and I know he would like to just forget the whole thing.<BR> <BR>Thanks for your advice. I will try to follow it from this point on, but I fear I have caused harm by insisting on knowing the sordid details. <BR> <BR>I feel like I have absolutely no worth right now. You know, I'm too fat, I'm too short, I'm not blonde, I'm not interesting enough, etc. etc.<BR>My self-esteem has never been this low.

I know the feeling but right now if he's willing to work on the marriage you need a bit of a cooling off period. Just don't ask anymore questions for now. If you become really overwhelmed start writing down the thoughts you have just so you'll have a means to express them, come here and vent because everyone here knows what you're going through.<P>I have a million questions too but I want my marriage back more than I want answers right now. Those will be posed at some point but I think right now, you like me just need to pull back and let our H's breathe.

Boy - your reactions sounded just like mine - and many others on this board.<BR>It's only been four weeks, so hang on, the roller coaster ride is the world's largest!<BR>I got a lot of help from a number of books. Finally reading Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, but the first one I read was After the Affair by Janis Spring. I highly recommend it. I'm in month 9 of recovery - kind of on a holding pattern with the rebuilding thing as my H and I have unbelievable work schedules right now, but we work when there's work as we are in the entertainment biz. Feast or famine.<BR>SO - your journey has only begun and utilize this forum, books and good luck with your counselling session.<BR>

Welcome <B>frootloops</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Recovery is every bit as hard as the discovery on D-day.<P>Do continue on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...even in recovery!<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Also check out the "trust" related posts on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post in the <B>Recovery:</B> section.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thanks so much Jim, for your informative post. I don't think I really understood the Plan A/Plan B thing before.<P>But..... it feels like in Plan A all the work has to be done by the person who was betrayed. At one moment, I'm ready to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to keep him, and then the next moment, I really resent having to do all the hard work when I am not the one who strayed. <P>I guess that is all really just pride and you can't spend the rest of your life with pride.... can you?<P>The worst thing is that I have no one to talk to. Thank God for this place. I have only told my one sister and one friend, and they live long distances away. My kids don't know, my mom doesn't know. So I think that is one of the reasons why I constantly want to talk to my husband about it. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by frootloops:<BR><B>I found out about 4 weeks ago, had suspected for a couple of months. OW is a coworker (how typical). He had himself transferred to another location so that they wouldn't be working together. <P>He swears the affair is over and that he has had no contact with her since I confronted him. How can I ever believe him? I want our marriage to work, and he says he does too. I still love him and I feel like I'm really pathetic because of that. <P>I go between being happy that he chose to stay with me, to being sick with suffering and despair. We start counseling together tomorrow. I'm sick about that too. Will more hurtful things come out? Will I find out it was all my fault? My self-esteem is pretty well nonexistent right now. <P>I need to know all the sordid little details too. Is that weird? When I ask these questions, I can see he is getting annoyed. Is this harming our recovery? I'm so unsure of how to act. Basically I want to scream and yell, throw stuff, break things, throw up, stab him, etc. <P>How long does it take before trust starts building up again? I'm scared whenever he goes anywhere that he is seeing her or phoning her on his cell. I hate feeling like that. I spend hours searching through his stuff to find out if he is still seeing her. I haven't found anything, but that doesn't make me any more confident, just makes me think he is really good at hiding stuff. <P>Sorry this is long. I feel pretty sick.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

?? I don't understand the purpose of that, seaside

~~~Frootloops~~~~ (cute name)<P>Trust *in him* is not to be expected for another 6 months or so. Some of the lost trust is YOU losing trust in yourself ..... put in other words..... you don't trust your instincts anymore ...... and you doubt what you used to know was the 'truth'.<P>Im my experience, the self-trust has to be in place before trusting *him* again is possible.<P>So ...... instead of focusing on *him* .... focus yourself on learning about *you* for awhile. Gain some of your self-confidence back. You will walk a little wobbly for a time, until you begin to trust your own judgement. After that (a few months down the road for you) ...... then you begin to build trust in him ....... or, putting it more bluntly..... you begin to allow *him* to demonstrate his trustworthyness. He has to earn it.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

I understand and I thank you for that. You are so right that I don't trust my intuition anymore. I'm going to work on that.

Welcome Frootloops,<P>I really feel for you right now. Your feelings and reactions sound just like mine and many others here, please know you are not alone. <P>It is very difficult to talk to anyone about this. Only one friend of my H knows and I have talked to one family member about it. But for me to do that has taken 7 months. When I found this board and was able to talk here I found temendous relief. So keep posting and read, read, and then read some more. <P>Those "questions" about drove me crazy. My husband also wanted to just forget and put it behind. After he did answer a few I decided I really didn't want to know any more... it just hurt too much and it caused more triggers. And once I realized why the A happened I felt focusing on that was more important than the questions anyway.<P>Yes, plan A is for the betrayed and it does not seem fair I know. But you mentioned pride and yes, when I decided to let my pride and anger go is when recovery started to take place.<P>You also mentioned you felt you were too fat, too short, etc. Honey, it doesn't matter if you are a super model, your self-esteem will still be at it's lowest. I am slender, tall, red hair, and still looking pretty good for 41 but I still go through a lot of insecure moments. If only this or that he would love me more. But you know he did tell me that the other women was not anything special as far as looks were concerned... she made him feel good emotionally and that is where it's at. Inside I had become an ugly person and was not very nice to my H anymore and that is why the A happened.<P><BR>I wish you the best of luck and God speed in your recovery. Please keep coming back, we are all here to help you.<BR>

Thanks mm. Actually the OW is taller, slimmer and younger than I am (I'm also 41), but maybe not prettier, I don't know. But it was because she shared the same work interests that really attracted him. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I keep thinking its because of physical attributes.<P>I realize it will take me a long time, but I actually feel more hopeful today, after writing posts and reading them here, than I have in the 4 weeks since D-day. <P>I thank God for all of you here at MB. <BR>

<P>I just found out a week ago about my husband's affair. I too share many of your feelings especially the TRUST issue. How do you get beyond that?<P><BR> <BR>------------------<BR>tag<p>[This message has been edited by tagtwin (edited February 06, 2001).]

Tagtwin, first of all may I say that I'm so very sorry that you had this horrendous thing happen to you. <P>The trust issue is eating me up. I have been trying to work on Plan A for 5 days now but it is so incredibly hard.... I'm scared that if I trust him now, I will be a bigger fool than I already am. I guess time is the only thing that will help.

The trust issue needless to say has been the biggest issue with my H and I. After trying various methods and nothing worked for me it came down to just making the decision to trust him.<P>Frootloops, you mentioned trusting him again only to be made a bigger fool. I look at it this way... I can either not trust him, which he will know, and then because of that he will go ahead and do something anyway, i.e., thinks I will so I might as well. But more likely than not, if our relationship is healthy he's not going to cheat again.<P>I realized that my fear of him hurting me again was more than the possibility that he would actually do something, if that makes any sense. I read somewhere that we can make our fears become our reality. For me this is so very true!<P>Easier said than done, I just had to make the decision to trust my H again, there were no other options. On the Emotional Board there is a thread called "H did a terrible thing... started by Carinadream. Check it out, you may find some useful info there on trust.

~~~~~~~~Time Time Time ~~~~~~~~<P>It takes a loooong time. We are 5 years post affair. Doing really well. I no longer worry about trusting "him"...... I trust God, I trust myself, I trust my husband (WS) ..... pretty much in that order.<P>The trust I have in God is that he will always walk with me. I trust that if I follow Gods path/plan for me.... without pridefulness and arrogance (my personal bugga-boos) I will walk in the light and the love of God. Learning to trust God is a blessing filled with ~grace~. <P>The trust I have in myself is very important. I trust that I *will* survive and overcome just about any difficulty that I am given. I will not die in body or spirit. (I will not die of 'pain' caused by the A) That is my promise to myself ....... I trust to love myself irregardless of how others treat me .... a big responsibility ... to love and trust ones self.<P>The trust I have in my husband is to be open to his own growth, to speak honestly to me about anything that's bothering him, and to listen without defensiveness as I express my feelings. My love of myself does not depend on my husbands love.<P>This is how I got through it all. But, like I said, it takes time. <P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*<p>[This message has been edited by Yesterday (edited February 07, 2001).]