december '98, on my b'day my husband told me it was over, i was devastated, but i really dont know why, i saw it coming ... but the reality of it was like a sledge hammer ...<BR>the problem, he LIES ... frequently and with increasing expertise ... when caught, he STILL wont tell the truth until i press and press and press ... and then, he will ONLY tell the truth if i confront him with positive evidence that hes lying ... i thought i loved him and tried to keep the marriage together, but i dont even like him anymore. now HE's trying to bring it together, but only on HIS terms and not mine (i need truth, compassion, love, sex, understanding, babying, etc). he wants to forget it since its behind him and cant understand why i cant do the same ... he doesnt understand, no matter how painful the response, i NEED him to tell me the truth, so i can start believing in him again ... because, i feel, if he will tell the truth about *her*, then i can believe that he will be truthful in the future.<P>i just realized i forgot to add, that he was having an affair, and the woman started calling the house and hanging up whenever i answered, he told me it was over i cant count the number of times, and yet he carried it on until this past june (99) .. all the time lying about seeing her/phoning her/etc. he used to drive by her house on his way to his self-help group <P>i found a bunch of stuff he had written in diary form and some in letter form to her .. it was awful reading things he felt/told her, he had left all this writing in a garbage bag in the middle of the floor in the basement, it (the garbage bag) sat there for about two weeks, and i finally decided to add some stuff to it and throw it out ... that is when i discovered the writings ... he didnt even try and HIDE that stuff (so i really wasnt 'snooping', it was right there on top of everything else)<P>i just cant get past the fact not only what he did, but that he continued doing it while he was going to counseling and self-help groups and professing to everyone around us that it was over ... every sunday he would go "golfing", yet he would come home with not one speck of a tan ... saying he "played in the trees" !! what kind of an idiot does he think i am ??? well, hes right because i knew he was lying, yet i stayed ... this is a second marriage, and in comparison, i should have stayed with the first one, i would have been much better off financially and emotionally <P>any thoughts ?<p>[This message has been edited by Emily_MI (edited February 01, 2001).]

Emily- Wish I could think of something to say that could make you feel better. All I can offer is telling you I think I've felt the same. I understand needing to know the details. It was necessary for me to hear those from my husband and for the same reasons you mentioned. I think having those truths told, even if they are painfull, counters in some way all the deception. I also felt that if my husband were willing to be completely forthcoming it would help sever the bond of secrecy and privacy he had with the other person. Maybe thats how you're feeling also. As far as trusting goes, I don't know. My husband was like yours in that I was only told the truth when any other excuse was'nt even plausible. I think thats made it harder not to suspect in the future. Hope you find some resolution for this...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RM1052:<BR><B>Emily- Wish I could think of something to say that could make you feel better. All I can offer is telling you I think I've felt the same. I understand needing to know the details. It was necessary for me to hear those from my husband and for the same reasons you mentioned. I think having those truths told, even if they are painfull, counters in some way all the deception. I also felt that if my husband were willing to be completely forthcoming it would help sever the bond of secrecy and privacy he had with the other person. Maybe thats how you're feeling also. As far as trusting goes, I don't know. My husband was like yours in that I was only told the truth when any other excuse was'nt even plausible. I think thats made it harder not to suspect in the future. Hope you find some resolution for this...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>thank you so much for answering my post...but you didnt mention how you handled your situation or if you are still together ... or if your husband is gone, or anything. im really curious as to how you are doing, how long you had been married, that sort of stuff. we have been married for 8 years now, and and its a second marriage for me, first for him .. he is such a totally different person than the one i married, its like im living with a stranger ... we have settled into a "roommate" situation, at least thats what it feels like to me ... there are no children involved, i have two boys but they are grown and have families of their own. thanks for any more insite you can shed on my situation. <BR> i guess the old saying, "misery loves company" isnt far from the truth <P>

Hi Emily, My stats are as follows: married 10 years. First marriage for each of us. We have 2 young boys. This happened about 7 years ago. Our marriage hadn't been satisfying from the beginning. After I found out about the affair I issued big ultimatums and my husband met them. He assured me he wasn't emotionally involved with the woman, and knowing my husband I believed that completely. I insisted on no contact. They worked together so he left that work place immediatley. He accepted all responsibility and was truely remorsefull I think. We had been in counseling, but like your husband, mine was able to go through it without being honest too. He was so apologetic and attentive that I thought as long as he was faithful we could have a good marriage. But that has been the only time before or since that he has been open and attentive. I think your post hit home with me because unfortunatley we are almost exactly where we were 7 years ago except this time I don't think he is being unfaithfull. But thats almost a technicality. I mean, in all other respects his behavior reverted to the way it had been as soon as I was able to forgive him. He waivers between indifference and outright hostility. My advise would be that when you and your husband set out to repair things, really look at the things that brought the affair on. I think that if I had done that then I wouldn't be here now. I was side tracked by the affection and attention he finally gave me which can be pretty seductive when you're hurting. I guess what I mean is stick to your terms for resolution and then some. Being grateful its over isn't enough. And really address the issues that brought it on. My husband and I are seeing seperate counselors now, and for all intents and purposes he may as well had the affair yesterday because we are just now looking at those things. Its a pain that leaves a scar but time does make the sting go away. And enough people have told me that if the marriage is repaired the right way it can be even stronger. I hope thats true. Sorry to be so long winded. Please know you can vent on me if you need to...