Well here goes, this may be long and winded and I want to apologize up front. I think its important that I get it all out now and the first time, so help can be given knowing all the facts. My H of five years (three children, two ours, one stepdaughter) has had an affair with a woman he works with and has known since his first marriage. I caught him, confronted him, insisted on counseling. we went. I thought we were doing okay, He lasted a month then was sleeping with her again. I once again caught him(three months went by), told him to move out. He cried, said he did not want to leave, admitted to counselor he had been lying, seemed to be working with me on fixing this, did the emotional needs questionaire. I have read his needs, her needs with him. Found out thru confronting him he had been calling her when I was at work. H says he is having a hard time letting go. seems miserable and unhappy which I hate to see. I am seeing my own counselor, he does not want to see his own counselor, Our MC feels he is no help since H won't talk or put anything into it. so we are done with him. I am lost, H seems to be here, and not here. He comes home on time, is loving to children, me, takes care of us but is still behaving like he is hiding something and does not want to discuss anything. I have had a real desire to call the OW or go see her. any ideas on that? I know he should quit his job but he can't we would lose our house, car, we need his job but everyday he goes there and has that 20 minute overlap of her shift and his I have a pit in my stomach. I have tried other boards and seem to find no help. guess I am looking for someone to talk to. <BR> I cannot throw him out, my heart breaks when I think about it, but how long can I live with him unhappy which makes me unhappy. Other than this mental abuse he is a kind, gentle man, father. I love him so much it hurts, but he doesn't seem to show any emotion or willingness to talk seriously with me about anything. Any one have any ideas?? <BR>

Welcome <B>mucca</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You can't force your H to do anything he doesn't want to...<P>...so for you... start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Put the foucs back on you...<BR>...on you building better marital skills...<P>It will be hard...<BR>...and you'll have to put forward effort!<P>But in the long run... it will make you better and happier.<P>There are no guarantees of saving a marriage...<BR>...that reality may be hard to accept...<P>But you can make yourself <B>much</B> better!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

mucca<BR> Jim has given you good advice. I just wanted to add that you have come to the right place. This forum has helped me immensely and I think it will help you too. <BR>Hang in there

I just want to say thanks for replying. I have read into Jim's reply and I think it will help me. I hope with advice and encouragement from others like yourself I can find the right direction to go. Life is hard and not fair and it only hurts to be alone. thanks again. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gwoodle:<BR><B>mucca<BR> Jim has given you good advice. I just wanted to add that you have come to the right place. This forum has helped me immensely and I think it will help you too. <BR>Hang in there </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

mucca: <P>You said that you had the desire to confront OW. I have the same desire. Don't know what I'd say but for some reason I feel it would help me. <P>Does anyone have any advice regarding this? <BR>

In about 95% of the cases...<BR>...it ends up hurting you to contact the OP!<P>It binds the WS to the OP...<BR>It's a romanticizes the relationship (us against the world)...<BR>It makes you look like a bad guy (breaking up something sooooo right)...<BR>It make you look like you don't care...<P>Of course all of these are "thoughts from the fog"...<BR>...but...<P>...they end up being LB's by you!<P>Avoid contacting the OP.<P>Let your spouse know it is you and your WS...<BR>...that is the real issue!<BR>...NOT the OP!<P> <P>Jim

that's what I thought. Darn! Those LBs are lurking everywhere.

Just my opinion, don't contact the other woman. I think it would only hurt you more and don't think it would do much good.

I had that same feeling and I guess they are right. I think I just needed someone to tell me not to do it. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by frootloops:<BR><B>that's what I thought. Darn! Those LBs are lurking everywhere.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Same here, mucca. I really want to slap her face and scream and yell at her and embarrass her and "make per pay" for what she has done to her husband and to me, but I guess I knew deep down that it wasn't a good idea. It will have to remain a fantasy !

I just wanted to ask her how she could do this to another woman when a woman had did this to her and tore her marriage apart. Plus I think he is or was telling us the same things and I feel/felt we both had a right to know. nice to talk with you frootloops. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by frootloops:<BR><B>Same here, mucca. I really want to slap her face and scream and yell at her and embarrass her and "make per pay" for what she has done to her husband and to me, but I guess I knew deep down that it wasn't a good idea. It will have to remain a fantasy ! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>