I am in a dilemma and wonder if anyone would mind giving their opinion about something. I recently ended a year long affair with a married man...only after FINALLY getting it through my head that this man had no intentions of ever leaving his marriage. Of course he led me to believe otherwise to keep me hanging on. When I told him I couldn't see him anymore because it was not good for me I got really upset because I thought, if it's not me it will be someone else.....so, I asked him about that. And his response was "if you are asking me if I'll ever have another affair the answer is yes. In fact, I will always have affairs"<P>His wife is always suspicious that he is with other women. She is much older than him and he travels often. Right now, I have this overwhelming desire to tell her everything about us so she will know what a scumbag she is married to. <BR>I am unsure of what my motivation is. On one hand, I feel she should get to know the truth and if the sitation were reversed I would want to know . But I also know how much she would hurt and if the pain is anything like mine then I wouldn't wish it on anyone. ON the other hand, maybe I am just really pissed off at him and that is why I want to tell her. I don't want to do the wrong thing because I am upset, it needs to be for the right reasons. <BR>I am really torn. If I were the wife, I would really want to know if I was with a man who would never ever be faithful to me. Any thoughts on this please?

Well, most folks seem to agree that telling the BS out of revenge is the wrong thing to do....probably because an OW telling for that reason would MOST LIKELY not be very kind in the telling.<P>I think that if you told her in a kind manner, and give her proof, it would be the best thing you could do for her, in view of the fact that he said he would "always have affairs". He sounds like a philanderer and telling her the truth could actually save her life!<P>So, my vote is TELL HER. I certainly wish someone would tell me the truth about my H and Cafe Woman (and a few others that I suspect); and, I don't particularly care HOW they tell me or why.

Yes, I have to wait and make sure I am not motivated by revenge. I won't do anything while I am feeling angry.<BR>Thanks Sweetpea for your opinion. Anyone else?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He sounds like a philanderer and telling her the truth could actually save her life!<P>So, my vote is TELL HER. I certainly wish someone would tell me the truth about my H and Cafe Woman (and a few others that I suspect); and, I don't particularly care HOW they tell me or why.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree with Sweetpea.<p>[This message has been edited by Mischievous Me (edited February 11, 2001).]

Honesty in <B>all</B> relationships is good.<P>Say it kindly...<BR>...by directing your xOM's W here to the MB forum...<P>...that way she can start working on her marriage...<BR>...if it is salvageable!<BR>...and it is up to her to determine that!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Congratulations!

Thanks!

~msschosen~<P>I was wondering..... how are you going to prepare yourself for any future relationship?<P>I have spoken to many many OW on another board, and it is often true that their experience as an OW "haunts" them in future relationships. Sometimes it is guilt that keeps them from feeling good about who they look at in the mirror..... sometimes they end up having very deep feelings of distrust and fear of intimacy, destroying their chances of success in future situations.<P>I also think that young women (are you under 30?) who become OW early in their lives have 'intimacy issues' ..... possibly steming from broken relationships with their daddy. (NOT saying YOU in particular, but just a trend I've noticed)<P>I am posting this not to 'flame' you, but to encourage you to get help. Take a long break from men, relationships, sex, etc etc etc.... and go on a journey of self-discovery. Be an honest critic of yourself, and how you made such a wrong detour in your life.<P>Heres to a smarter, wiser, and kinder woman in the year 2001. May all your dreams come true.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

I am getting professional help. Believe me, I NEVER want to make this mistake again. And i am scared it will affect me forever (which is why I am going to therapy).<BR>Thanks.