2 weeks ago I would never have visited this site. Life was great, things were looking up financially, and my husband seemed happy and more like when we first met, 11 years ago.<P>11 years. 7 years of marriage. A 4 year old daughter. Then I discover he has 'fallen in love' with my best friend Dorothy, originally an internet friend but both families have been meeting for 2-3 years, and she and I talked on the phone every day.<P>Richard my husband had recruited Dorothy to do some programming for him, and late night software support calls turned into something more. It hadn't been going on long and only very recently acknowledged, certainly by her. I realised only last weekend and told Richard what I believed and he confirmed.<P>Now they want to move in together, with her 2 children, near where R and I live now so he can still have our daughter while I'm at work. <P>HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I thought, and I was wrong, that we had a happy marriage. Richard has always been very down on men who cheated on their wives. Which makes it worse. Neither of them are 'the cheating sort', they really believe this is something special. D's husband and I, not to mention numerous internet friends who know all of us, do not see how it can work for them.<P>One minute it's happening, then he tells her he can't leave me (guilt reasons only, I think), then they're planning it again. I am sick of all this rollercoaster stuff so I am not discussing it any more with them. Have totally cut off from her (she wants us to be friends still ...!!!). Will let him talk when he asks but not until. A problem of our marriage was his inability to talk, and my desperate insistence on it. Now I'm giving him space. It's a last ditch attempt.<P>I've found this site really helpful, but will I ever get the chace to put what I've learnt into practice??? What are the chances that he will agree to try and make things work, and can it be any different 2nd time round?<P>I guess this forum is full of desperate people like me, and no one has too much time for supportive messages, but it helps to get it off my chest!<P>E. in UK

Welcome <B>Dido</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You <B>are</B> going to have to "put what you've learnt into practice"...<BR>...it is the only way to work on and improve your marriage!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Oh dear, now I can't read your post....<P>Thanks, I've just read about Plan A and Plan B. The problems with A are twofold:<BR>1) My husband is still considering moving in with Dorothy<BR>2) They are working together (albeit at a distance) on a programming project which is hugely important financially to my husband and his brother. There is no time at this stage to find a replacement programmer for Dorothy, although of course that could happen later.<P>On Saturday she phoned me, said it was over, she would not see my husband again but would like to see still. And that she would only communicate with him via email. Today (Tuesday) her husband tells me she is planning to spend half her time in London and half in Leeds (where DH and I live).<P>Also, I feel at this time insisting on husband giving her up would drive him to her. One of the problems in our marriage is me always taking charge and making the plans. I have to let him decide on this one.<P>So Plan B: We live together in my house. We have a 4 year old child, who my husband looks after during the day when I'm at work. I can't move out, we have NO spare money to get him a flat.<P>So I'm following my own modified Plan B, which is emotionally detaching myself from their ups and downs, and not discussing it until he has something definite to tell me. This is hard for me, I WANT to talk, but again I feel it is crucial that he makes this decision alone. He knows I want to stay married, to work at making it a happy one again. (As I thought it was until very recently.)<P>The idea of asking my doctor for anti-depressants horrifies me - I don't think this is as common in the UK, and would definitely have a stigma attached to it. Not something anyone would want on their medical records. It would be nice to hurt less though...<P>The best thing is knowing I'm not alone. That this stupid, sordid mess happens to lots of people. Of course I wish it didn't, but since it does it's good not to be alone!<P>E. in UK

A point of clarification...<P>...neither Plan A or Plan B has to do with <B>where</B> the WS lives!<P>Plan A (and Plan B as well)...<BR>...is your <B>frame of mind</B>.<P>Even if your H moves out to be with Dorothy(OW)...<BR>...you still work on Plan A...<BR>...for you to become both a better person and a better W!!!<P>Plan B is for when you have hit a point so low... that you need to maintain that level before it is lost...<BR>...this will usually happen when you or your spouse separate...<BR>...but even then... not necessarily!<P>You really should be nowhere near Plan B!<P>Re-think your resolve...<BR>...and go to Plan A!!!<P>Jim

Dodi...I was your best friend and your husband. I, too, had an affair with someone who my husband considered his best friend who's wife was my friend. We vacationed together, we attended each other children's birthday parties...My husband and I had a wonderful marriage-mostly. 11 years and 2 kids into it, I had the affair. All I can say to you, is that this guy knew me so well...we were such good friends...one night we were away at a conference (we worked together) and I got drunk (combination of alcohol and cold medication)...I initiated the affair. After my initial contact, I was mortified-he however, became interested. I think he knew me so well he was able to manipulate what he knew about me and my marriage to his advantage. He met the emotional needs my husband could not meet. He was what I thought I wanted. Even after our spouses found out about the affair, at first I couldn't break off contact as he was such a "good friend." However, I married my husband for a reason and I learned that this other man wasn't what I wanted. It's what I thought I wanted, but he was no match for my husband and my complete family. I broke off all relations with this man-even though by this time we were only talking. I had to take drastic measures to get him to stop contacting me...but I did it. Then, I went to work on my marriage. It took a long time, my husband had filed for divorce, I had filed for child support-it was set...my husband had a retaliation affair-BUT-our loved prevailed and we have now been reconciled for about 6 months. What I am trying to tell you is if you really believe in your marriage-don't give up! He needs to apologize, break off all contact with that woman and make it up to you-you deserve that. But-know this-my affair never involved "true love" nor was it really a reflection about how I felt about my husband...he was my first love and will be my dying love-it was my screwed up priorities and what I "thought" was important. Don't give up...marriage needs to start being more of "till death do we part-despite anything (except abuse) - especially for our kids - Good Luck...we made it. I hope you do too...post again and give an update if you would!<BR>Have a peaceful day...they are few and far between at this time!