I found out about 2 weeks ago that my wife had been having an affair for approx. 3 months. The way I found out was by snooping around and finally confronting her with the evidence. Our marriage was bad for about 2 years but the last 6 months have been the worst. I would try to talk to her and ask her what was wrong but she never told me. I even asked her several times if there was someone else and she denied it.<BR> After confronting her I asked her many things about the affair and some she lied about at first but I eventually got the truth out of her. The most shocking part is that she had unprotected intercourse with her lover. The other shocking part is that I know her lover and he is married and 13 years older than my wife.<BR> I am so confused and I am an emotional roller coaster. At times I am so angry that I just want leave her and file for divorce. At other times I am more positive and carry the attitude that my marriage is salvagable and I want to regain being in love and regain my marriage.<BR> I am still in love with my wife even after all that has happened and I have told her this. I have asked her if she has any desire to want to save the marriage and she says she doesn't know. She shows no signs of even wanting to work this out. At times she acts like she hates me and can't stand to be around me.<BR> What makes this even more tragic is that we have a 2 1/2yr old son who is the most precious thing in the world to both of us and that is all the more reason I want to salvage our marriage.<BR> I am still living in the house and sleeping in the same bed as her. Most of the time I have been civil and non-argumentative with her, but a few times I have gotten angry out loud. <BR> I am frustrated because I want this all to begin healing now and it's hard for me to think about possibly waiting months for us to heal. With her showing no positive signs towards healing I have my doubts.<BR> Is this senario typical? Should I continue to wait and stay in the home to see what happens? How long approx. is a time to wait for results?<BR> We have begun marriage counseling and I hope that helps.

Welcome <B>malaysia</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>This scenario is very familiar!!!<BR>And I am sorry it is happening to you!<P>Yes...<BR>...you most likely should give up relations until she has been tested for STDs...<BR>...for your safety.<P>Do stay home...<BR>...and not for a moment contemplate leaving!<P>You now have to be "mom" to your child... at least part of the time...<BR>...you W will have her own deamons for a while.<P>Work on you becoming a better man/husband!<P>You can best do this by starting on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

What a horrible way to feel.. My heart and prayers go out to you... The only advice I can give is download the emotional needs form from the main site and both of you take a day to fill them out. At least you will know which of her needs aren't being given to her. Again, I'm sorry that this happened to you, But there must be a reason. Try and find that out and you can begin to rebuild. On another note.. YOU.. Don't get frustrated and give up, I assume that you spoke the same vows on your wedding day as most people. They include "for better, for worse". This is for sure one of the "worse". But you can show your commitment by being forgiving and trying to be the man that your wife married.<BR>GOOD LUCK!! PRAY ALOT!!!

I am sorry for your pain. My question is<BR>whether the affair is continuing. If it is then I would contact the OM's wife and inform<BR>her. Hopefully that would end the affair.

Thank you for the support. In reply to NSR, if my wife and I save our marriage I am requesting that she get an STD test. The thing I fear is that this will be offensive to her but I know that my health and safety is more important in this situation. I don't plan on leaving for the love of my son. I have always and will continue to be a great father to him. <BR>To oldman, in talking with my wife the little bit that I have gotten out of her leans towards the classic emotional needs not being met. More for her than for me. I know that I need to change and be more caring and responsive to her needs. I have told her this and if she is wanting to work this out I truly believe that things will be different. I would never want to go through this again.<BR>To Bryanp. As far as I can tell the affair has stopped. I told my wife after finding out that in order for us to rebuild our marriage than all communication with the OM must stop. Unfortunatly two days after she agreed to try, she emailed the OM. I had contact with the OM and told him the same and of course when she emailed him he responded to her. That is the only contact that I know of since telling her to stop. The OM did email me yesterday in an attempt to explain his position and part of it was that he couldn't guarantee ceasing all communication with my wife. I did ask the OM for me to speak with his wife and suprisingly she called yesterday. I wanted to be sure that the OM's wife was aware of all that has happened. She was and had found out a few days before me. The OM's wife is not sure what she is going to do but I made it very clear what my plans were and asked her to try to keep her husband out of me and my wife's life. She wasn't able to give me a definite answer.<BR>The big thing that confuses me about all this is that there is so much more to lose and is it worth having an affair. I now realize that my marriage was not satisfying to my wife but I feel that it wasn't so bad that this would happen. I know that no one will ever be able to understand what goes through the mind's of spouses that have affairs but it sure would be helpfull to know.<BR>I thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my problem. I will continue to ride out the storm but I am not sure how much longer I can wait. I miss my wife and I being in love and miss the intimacy that we had years ago.

malaysia,<P>Let me be honest...<BR>...you've got to get her checked for STDs ASAP!<P>If you want to really love her...<BR>...and have her show it to you...<BR>...you've got to cross this bridge!<P>Yes... do it lovingly... but it's got to be done.<P>Don't be satisfied with her saying...<BR>...oh the OM was faithful to his W...<BR>...<B>he wasn't</B>!<P>This isn't a simple EN...<BR>...it is a life and death need!<BR>...both your physical and marital life!<P> <P>Jim

NSR<BR>Just logged back on and read your message. I know that I need to have my wife examined and I will try to think about a way to do it without hurting her. I have been thinking about emailing the OM the How TO Survive Infedelity articles that have helped me so much. Do you think this is a good or a bad idea?

I would strongly suggest that you have <BR>absolutely no contact with the OM. You seem<BR>like a really good guy. The no contact rule means no contact from your wife and also from you. The desire is to have no contact or communications whatsoever. This man is your enemy and he is not your friend. He told you<BR>he could not guarantee he would not try to contact your wife again. I am surprised by his wife's attitude but that is his problem and not yours. You will be making a hugh mistake staying in contact with the OM. He will be able to manipulate the situation to his own advantage if he knows what you are thinking.

<B>Bryanp</B> is right...<P>There is nothing to be gained by talking with the OM... NOTHING!<P>Prove to your W that it is about you...<BR>...not about the OM.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks again for the input. I see what your saying and I will not have anymore contact with the OM. I am resigning from my current job tomorrow so I will not be at this email address anymore. I will be setting up a new email account ASAP so we can keep in touch. Thanks for the support.

I had my second counseling session tonight and it went fairly well. It is my second and my wife has had two sessions also. Next week we go together for the first time. One thing the counselor spoke about was to not demand that my wife stop all contact with the OM. He said this may seem like I'm being to controling to her. I disagreed wiht him and told him that my wife and I don't have a chance if she continues to have contact. I am considering making some calls around to find another counselor. What you think?

I agree Malaysia that you immediately look<BR>for someone else. It is hard to believe that<BR>he would say you should not stop your wife from continuing contact with the OM because she may see it as controlling. The more the<BR>contact the more the pain and emotional connection that will ensue. Please find someone else because it sounds like he will give justifications to your wife to continue seeing the OM.

My Goodness, I am blown away by what I have been reading for the last two days. I am three weeks into D Day and find it difficult to even describe what I am going through. The similarities to my situation in alot of these postings is amazing. Especially Malaysias situation. His first post could have been my tale word for word. I am trying so hard to be a solid, encouraging, supportive, loving, understanding husband. It is sooooo hard. My W says that her affair brought out a desire to be on her own, be independant. She wants this without giving a real effort in reconciliation. I cannot believe that she would just destroy everything around her just so she can experiment with this idea. Anyway in just the last day she has finally said that she will give an effort in working on reconciliation and her issues. I know though that at this moment anyway her heart is not in it. It is very hard to see that there could be a positive result in our situation. She is totally flat in her feelings for me.

Just an update on things here. Everything is coming to an end. I have tried all that I can to show my wife that I want to work this out. We have talked a few times in depth in the last two weeks and she just doesn't want to stay married to me. I asked her what she would like the outcome for the future to be and she said she wants to be with the OM. She told me that she stills matains contact with him and doesn't plan to stop. The longer I am in this situation the more hurt and angry I get. I have begun the initial process of divorce by talking with an attorney and have sperated the bank account in half and opened my own account. I have yet to hire the attorney but plans are to do that in the next week. She feels that I am rushing into things but the way I see it is to wait around for her to take the initial steps will be more damaging to each of us. The hardest part of divorcing is having a 2 1/2 yr old son. He is the light of my life and is mainly the reason I have been keeping it together as well as I have. I want this all to end in a friendly matter but when it comes down to custody, if my lawyer says I have a good chance for full custody then that's what I am fighting for. I have told her this and her response was that I would do that out of selfisness to punish her. I responded by telling her that what she has done and the final decision she has made is what broke up this marriage and this family and that I remained true and faithfull to our marraige so why should I be punished by getting joint custody with her when I did nothing morally wrong. It's going to be a rough few months getting this all settled so I hope I am up to it. Thanks for being here and thanks for all the help. It has helped me quite a bit.

sorry to hear you are headed for divorce. but don't give up. maybe the reality of the situation will bring her around. did you ever get another counselor? one that will recommend her contacts with OM cease immediately? recovery can only begin when that happens. go out and buy "suriving an affair." buy two copies, give her one, you keep one... if she begins to read it, there's hope. I can tell you it has helped my situation which is almost identical to yours. I'm 16 days past the discovery of her affair and we have religiously followed the Harley "Basic Concepts" and we are being brutally honest with each other and we are the most intimate we've been in 10 years! If you want her to love you you've got to deposit enough points in her love bank until it reaches romantic love. I know it's hard to do, but the concept has worked for me!

I don't think things can get any screwier. Last night my wife wanted to sit down and talk. I figured she wanted to talk about plans for our divorce. what she reveiled hit me like a ton of bricks. She said she had been doing a lot of thinking over the last week and that she didn't want a divorce. She said she want's to try and work things out and straighten out our problems. I was floored. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing. She told me that she has ended her relationship with the OM for good. She said she met with him earlier in the day to end it. I am so confused in the head I don't know what to think. I can't seem to beleive 100%. I told her that I had to have some time to think about it. This is all such a mess. At this point the only reason I may consider trying to work it out is because of our 2 1/2 yr old child. This is the point that I wanted to be at 3-4 weeks ago, when I had more willingness to work on it. After continuously being beat down emotionally the feelings I still had for her weeeks ago are gone. Any advice, suggestions, etc. would be of great help.

that is good news that she has reconsidered giving your marriage a shot. Take it, this is what you wanted. Try and work it out. My daughter was 2 1/2 when I found out, I vowed to do everything I could to keep our marriage together. All I can say is, get the materials suggested here, come here often, and start the process of healing.