My wife just confessed to premarital infedelity. She explained that she was going thru a rough time and was not sure if I truly loved her. <P>She explained that she lied to me and told me some of the times. <P>I feel hurt. I do love this woman and want to know what i can do to stop the pain.

Hurt for a first time,<BR> Big warning sign. I would think twice about marying a person who can't stay faithful even in the begginning. At the very least, get some serious counseling together. <BR> Go slow and be sure.<BR>hope

She confessed that while we were dating this occured on a few occasions. She tells me she is deeply sorry and she sees how good I am to her and love her. <P>I just can't get the thought out of my mind of her with another man. I think her guilt got the best of her and she needed to unload, but I still do not understand.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hope5:<BR><B>Hurt for a first time,<BR> Big warning sign. I would think twice about marying a person who can't stay faithful even in the begginning. At the very least, get some serious counseling together. <BR> Go slow and be sure.<BR>hope</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I am not clear about your message. Are you thinking of getting married in the future or are you married now and she just told you?<BR>If you are not married yet then I would hold off getting married for now. This is the way she deals with stress is by being intimate with other men is now what you want in a wife. On the other hand, if you are married now then I think it is a good sign that she was open and honest with you since she did not have to tell you. I would have her seek counseling and you also. I know the pain of betrayal and it is not pretty.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>I am not clear about your message. Are you thinking of getting married in the future or are you married now and she just told you?<BR>If you are not married yet then I would hold off getting married for now. This is the way she deals with stress is by being intimate with other men is now what you want in a wife. On the other hand, if you are married now then I think it is a good sign that she was open and honest with you since she did not have to tell you. I would have her seek counseling and you also. I know the pain of betrayal and it is not pretty.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>I am not clear about your message. Are you thinking of getting married in the future or are you married now and she just told you?<BR>If you are not married yet then I would hold off getting married for now. This is the way she deals with stress is by being intimate with other men is now what you want in a wife. On the other hand, if you are married now then I think it is a good sign that she was open and honest with you since she did not have to tell you. I would have her seek counseling and you also. I know the pain of betrayal and it is not pretty.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I guess I have not been too clear. My wife came to me one day and explained while we were dating, she cheated on me and lied to me about it. She saids she stopped about two months before we got engaged and has been faithful ever since. She said she did it only a few times and felt awful after each time, but still went back to this married man. I just can't get the thought out of my mind. I know she loves me and really doubt this will ever happen again, but I still feel hurt.

I would suggest that you get some counseling to help both of you with your feelings about this.<P>While my H and I were dating (not engaged or even with an exclusive dating arrangement), I came very, very close to sleeping with someone else. It was at a time when I was very hurt and confused by some of my H's behavior, and I felt terrible about it, esp. after my H and I sorted things out and got engaged. <P>At this point, we've been married 19.5 years, and I've never had any serious thoughts of cheating...that long ago "near-miss" taught me a lot about myself, and what I did/didn't want. But, I've never told him about it, bcs I've never felt he would understand it at all...your wife is giving you a big vote of trust in being honest with you. That's actually a very good sign...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>I would suggest that you get some counseling to help both of you with your feelings about this.<P>While my H and I were dating (not engaged or even with an exclusive dating arrangement), I came very, very close to sleeping with someone else. It was at a time when I was very hurt and confused by some of my H's behavior, and I felt terrible about it, esp. after my H and I sorted things out and got engaged. <P>At this point, we've been married 19.5 years, and I've never had any serious thoughts of cheating...that long ago "near-miss" taught me a lot about myself, and what I did/didn't want. But, I've never told him about it, bcs I've never felt he would understand it at all...your wife is giving you a big vote of trust in being honest with you. That's actually a very good sign...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>thank you for your note. I know she loves me. I can see it. I understand that she came from a broken household and a bad first marriage, but I always thought we could talk. I never yell or hit, like she has experienced before, but it hurts me that she went to someone else periodically (every few months) and this guy took advantage of her at a time when she may have needed a friend, and she continued to go back to him even though she knew she was wrong. I just do not undertand, and it still hurts to think of the betrayal, what she did with him, ect... I know that she is great person, but what in the world was she thinking. I also understand her need to get the guilt off her chest in case this comes back to haunt her. I want her to always feel that she can talk to me, but when does the hurt stop?<P>

TIME is the only hurt healer I know of. But I don't know how much time. When I find out I'll let you know <BR>Good Luck

It sounds like she has a lot of old baggage to deal with. Again, the fact that she is sharing this with you speaks of trust and love and a wish to heal together with you.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>It sounds like she has a lot of old baggage to deal with. Again, the fact that she is sharing this with you speaks of trust and love and a wish to heal together with you.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>thanks kathi for the insight. I want her to be able to talk to me, but it still hurts to know I was lied to and she was unfaithful with me. Plus the fact that it was with a married man and the fact that it happened not once but more times and she said she felt bad after each experience.<P>I think it would have been better off not knowing things like this, but do not want to go around with my head in the sand.<P>

My wife drove home this weekend to see her mother and I had a knot in my stomach all weekend. I know she is not doing anything, but ever since she confessed to me, I still question her. Little things remind me of her premarital infedelity and it hurts. I love her so much and I know she loves me. How can I get over these feelings. I just feel insecure.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hurt for a first time:<BR><B> thanks kathi for the insight. I want her to be able to talk to me, but it still hurts to know I was lied to and she was unfaithful with me. Plus the fact that it was with a married man and the fact that it happened not once but more times and she said she felt bad after each experience.<P>I think it would have been better off not knowing things like this, but do not want to go around with my head in the sand.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Again, I think you should consider couples counseling. Talking openly about your feelings and hers may help also, agreeing that there will be times you need a little extra reassuarance, and agreeing on ways she can provide that when you indicate that it's needed can also help.<P>Keep in mind that trust is a funny thing...it is hard to give sometimes, but witholding it doesn't make it any less likely that you could be hurt again..in fact, often quite the opposite.<P> <P>

BTW, how long have you guys been married?

We have been married 7 months. I think the reason she finally confussed was that she felt guilty for cheating and did not want me to find out from someone else and she sees what a great husband I am.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>BTW, how long have you guys been married?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Seven months, huh? Ya'll are still newlyweds!<P>Do work on resolving this now. My choice would be to do a few sessions via phone with one of the Harleys here, or a good local counselor. There are also books and workbooks on forgiveness. <P>I will tell you that I would give a lot to go back to when my H and I were newlyweds and resolve some of the issues that were problems then (different issues, but the principle is the same...unresolved issues tend to poke their ugly heads up again later, with a vengeance).<P>Kathi

We are trying to resolve it. I guess, I just keep to much bottled up inside, but I have been trying to show her how hurt I am without hurting her and its difficult. I do not want to hurt her in any way. But, If I do not let my feelings out, I think she will think that I do not care.<P>She came from a broken home and a bad first marriage and she had this guy before we met, but she told me it was over. It was only a few times with him while we were dating, and I do not know why she went to him. He is married. And the last time it happend was right before we got engaged. <P>I just feel violated that she had sex with this guy while we were dating. Why would someone do that, know its wrong, and do it again and still be able to look someone in the eye, a person who gave them attention, support, ect... I just have to gain that trust back, but how? I DO LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>Seven months, huh? Ya'll are still newlyweds!<P>Do work on resolving this now. My choice would be to do a few sessions via phone with one of the Harleys here, or a good local counselor. There are also books and workbooks on forgiveness. <P>I will tell you that I would give a lot to go back to when my H and I were newlyweds and resolve some of the issues that were problems then (different issues, but the principle is the same...unresolved issues tend to poke their ugly heads up again later, with a vengeance).<P>Kathi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

You do need to talk about these feelings, but it is often hard to do. Honestly, this is where a neutral third party can be a lot of help.<P>Consider doing a couple of sessions via phone with one of the Harleys here... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html</A>