I think that my husband is having a affair. I have noticed that we have drawn apart, through no effort of my own. If anything, I constantly try to find ways to draw closer to him.<P>I think I became convinced of that when I saw our September phone bill. To make a long story short, when I confronted him about the number, he pretended not to know. I "innocently" pretended that I was going to call to find out whose number it was, then he pretended to suddenly remember and said it was a friend of his. I said how come I never heard of that friend before.<P>Well anyway, it has been a closed subject since, but I am sure that something is still going on - he's too distant and there's no reason for him to be that way.<P>HELP!<BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Why don't you call the number?<BR>

Hi<P>I did call the number! A woman's voice (French accent) came on an answering machine and the person's name is Francoise! I confronted him then and he said sh's his friend. I asked why did he never mention his "friend" before and ... well, you know the rest from my first message.<P>Imagine! Now the subject has not been brought up again. I guess when I get the next phone bill, there'll be no avoiding it!<P>

This situation sounds very familiar. Unfortunately that's they way I found out my H was having an affair last year. Fortunately we are recovering now, but my advice is to found out for sure if your H is having an affair (emotional or physical). I feel if I had found out sooner (he would never have admitted it), it could have ended sooner. <P>I did a lot of snooping and found undeniable evidence. I asked him to call this "friend" with me on the phone to describe their relationship. Of course they both lied-- but I could tell they were lying. When he offers, "go ahead and call" -- do it. He probably thinks you don't have the nerve-- or don't want to really know the truth.<P><BR>No one in a marriage should have mysterious friends of the opposite sex. No matter how he describes the relationship. Perhaps he's only forming a relationship with someone and you can help him to stop himself from ruining your relationship.<P>There are lots of very wise and helpful people at this site, who'll provide good advice for you. It saved my marriage. Good luck.

Hi Janet<P>Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and advice. <P>I've done a little snooping around, I found the phone bill for October with more calls to the same number! That was about two weeks ago. But I can't confront him with that proof because I snooped in his work bag and technically I shouldn't have done that. If he found out it would defeat the whole purpose of telling the truth.<P>Well, last week I couldn't take any more - I was so depressed. So I wrote him a two-paged letter expressing everything, including the September bill. I asked him to express his love more visibly to me, take me out more and stuff like that. Well, what do you know? All he said was that he promised to be all that I asked. But he never mentioned the affair or the phone number or the French woman. I battled with whether to ask him point blank or not and finally decided not to say anything at that point.<P>Well, his attitude HAS changed. He expresses his love more often - like touching me more, hugging and kissing more (that tickles our 3-year old son pink! He usually joins in the hug), more passionate in our lovemaking (although he always was). Two nights ago he took us on a drive around the island to see the sights! You know, the things that make us as women feel cherished and loved.<P>I'm looking forward to a night of dinner and (probably) dancing next! Wish me luck!<P>Thanks to those out there who feel for me. I would like to encourage those who are going through somewhat the same thing. If you think your marriage is worth saving, fight for it!<P><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Glad to hear things are going well. To protect your own interests read as much here as you can. I certainly hope your husband is telling you the truth. <P>Be vigilant and look for the signs. Hopefully you won't find anything.<BR>Good luck.

Hiya Janet<P>So happy that you sent me more encouragement. Believe me, girl, my eyes are wide open. They are always open, that's why I suspected something in the first place. If anyone's vigilant, it's me!<P>I'm enjoying the way things are now. I'm really concentrating on strengthening my marriage, but I'm still looking out for tell-tale signs that things are not the way they should be. For sure, I believe I will recognise if things change for the worse.<P>Thanks again, I will continue reading this site. You guys are the best!<P>GOD BLESS<BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

UPDATE:<P>Well, this weekend I confronted my husband about the "supposed" affair with the French woman in a calm and collected way. First, I told him how I felt about him and how much this marriage means to me, and I asked him how he felt about this. He said he felt pretty much the same way I did.<P>Then, I told him to be honest with me, no matter if he thinks he will hurt me, because the most important thing to me in a relationship besides love is trust and honesty. So I asked him to be really honest with me and tell me the truth. I asked him if he had an affair going with the woman. He said no, they are just friends. I asked why the big secret, why only call her when I was out of the house. Well to make a long story short, I was satisfied with his answers, but my eyes are still open. I am not going to snoop, just observe keenly, and I stress "keenly".<P>After that two hour discussion, we sealed our love with a kiss and a hug, and he made some pretty reasonable promises. He even opened up and told me a lot of how he feels (which he doesn't usually do) We have been drawn so close by all of this that I must say it was worth bringing the subject up. The pain of suspecting is just too much.<P>I'm glad he told me. Then I told him I believed him and trusted him AGAIN, and please don't let me down. I also advised him that having a close friendship with another woman is dangerous, especially if they both know that they are attracted to each other. He didn't tell me they are attracted to each other, but I assumed so. He agreed that the friendship need not be so close, and that he would not develop close friendships with OW again, and he would even introduce me to ALL of his friends, both male and female.<P>How's that for starting over? <P>JANET IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE RESPOND<BR>

UPDATE:<P>Well, this weekend I confronted my husband about the "supposed" affair with the French woman in a calm and collected way. First, I told him how I felt about him and how much this marriage means to me, and I asked him how he felt about this. He said he felt pretty much the same way I did.<P>Then, I told him to be honest with me, no matter if he thinks he will hurt me, because the most important thing to me in a relationship besides love is trust and honesty. So I asked him to be really honest with me and tell me the truth. I asked him if he had an affair going with the woman. He said no, they are just friends. I asked why the big secret, why only call her when I was out of the house. Well to make a long story short, I was satisfied with his answers, but my eyes are still open. I am not going to snoop, just observe keenly, and I stress "keenly".<P>After that two hour discussion, we sealed our love with a kiss and a hug, and he made some pretty reasonable promises. He even opened up and told me a lot of how he feels (which he doesn't usually do) We have been drawn so close by all of this that I must say it was worth bringing the subject up. The pain of suspecting is just too much.<P>I'm glad he told me. Then I told him I believed him and trusted him AGAIN, and please don't let me down. I also advised him that having a close friendship with another woman is dangerous, especially if they both know that they are attracted to each other. He didn't tell me they are attracted to each other, but I assumed so. He agreed that the friendship need not be so close, and that he would not develop close friendships with OW again, and he would even introduce me to ALL of his friends, both male and female.<P>How's that for starting over? <P>JANET IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE RESPOND<BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Sorry it took so long. I haven't been at this site in a few days. Sounds like you did the right thing in your discussion. Hopefully you've helped put an end to something before it started. <P>It is encouraging that your H was willing to talk so openly with you about your feelings and fears. Make the time to spend time alone and also with his friends. <P>In the past I wasn't crazy about my H having single, female friends and I felt a little overbearing for that back then. After all I've been through, I feel strongly that no married person should have a tight-knit friendship with a member of the opposite sex-- especially one that is single. <P>Any time your spouse is talking to or thinking about this new friend, he's taking that time away from you. Even if you think you can trust your H, this OW may be putting the moves on him. <P>There are too many messages out there that fooling around is ok, everybody does it, etc. It kind of distorts someone's reality when they're put in a position of temptation. <P>Keep spending time together, make sure you know where he is and what he is doing, check out his stories and make sure your marriage isn't in trouble. <P>Hang in there. It sounds like you're really on top of things. He's lucky to have such a patient and caring wife.<BR>

Oh - by the way, I would ask H to cut off his "friendship" altogether with this French woman. Unless she's his boss, he doesn't need this friend. He shouldn't just "not be as close". See how he reacts. If he resists, I'd wonder what was so important about her. If he understands and agrees, check him on his word.

Hi janetw<P>Thanks so much for giving me your two-pence worth. It is indeed worth more than that!<P>Believe me, girl, those two big eyes of mine are still wide open. I think we have crossed into something really good here. But as you suggested, I think I will introduce the idea that he break off this friendship completely. I'll have to be very careful how I do it though. He is a naturally defensive person, so I'll really have to slide it in there real gentle-like!<P>Don't worry, I'll do it and keep you updated on the results. Until then keep on encouraging others, I think you have a real gift for it.<P>Also, I wish you the best in whatever your situation may be. I don't think I read your profile.<P>Bye for now.<P>------------------<BR>CPL

Hello Caribgirl:<P>Thank you for taking the time to visit my page and for your encouragement. Having read your story, I have a question for you: Where does your husband say he met "Francoise?" Where did she come from, anyway? I am so pleased to hear that you have found a way to work caution and awareness into a loving marriage. Was there anything in particular that you said to your husband that put him at ease and helped him tell you the truth?<P>Thanks once again and best wishes<BR>Robyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Caribgirl:<BR><B>I think that my husband is having a affair. I have noticed that we have drawn apart, through no effort of my own. If anything, I constantly try to find ways to draw closer to him.<P>I think I became convinced of that when I saw our September phone bill. To make a long story short, when I confronted him about the number, he pretended not to know. I "innocently" pretended that I was going to call to find out whose number it was, then he pretended to suddenly remember and said it was a friend of his. I said how come I never heard of that friend before.<P>Well anyway, it has been a closed subject since, but I am sure that something is still going on - he's too distant and there's no reason for him to be that way.<P>HELP!<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HI, Caribgirl,<BR>I, like you, have just stumbled onto the fact that yes, indeed, my H is quite possibly having, or has recently had, an affair. Coming to this website gave me the info and courage to do something I should have done a long time ago, but I was so "hung up" on MY own values, standards and so on, that I thought that looking for clues was wrong. Can you believe that?! I really did!<P>Anyway, in just a few days, I found the following:<BR>1. a motel bill charge on our credit card on date/time that didn't involve me and for which he had no good excuse<BR>2. strange 'gifts' in the trunk of our car and in the glove compartment (including empty wrapper from a sex toy!)<BR>3. dried rose also in trunk of car<BR>4. soda bottles (of a kind neither of us drink) and empty pkgs. of sweet'n'low also in trunk of car (dozens of 'em!)<BR>5. two pieces of women's apparel, neither of which are mine<BR>6. a receipt for a PO box in HER name, with all the nec. info intact. This I found among his things, (he LOVES to play the knight in shining armor and I'm sure he paid for her PO box)<P>Add to all of the above that he has TOTALLY avoided me sexually for the past 11 months, has treated me coldly, indifferently, stays out incredibly long hours (says he works 18 hrs a day, 6 days/week), HIDES all documentation from me as to phone bills, credit card bills (he missed one, the one I found!), bank account, bank statements, etc. etc. In short, he has encapsulated himself into a little world of his own....and I am not invited. Why did I take so long to catch on?? Simple: I got very ill 6 years ago and as a result, I now have a very bad bone disease and need to have all of my major joints replaced. So far, I have an artificial knee and art. hip. Since I can no longer work, and since the SSD dept. messed us up terribly by making me jump thru hoops for nearly 2 years, we came to the brink of bankruptcy. He says this is what is behind his "negativism". However...after many long, loud talks, he finally admitted that he just can't "do this anymore." He means, putting up with an ill wife and all of the resultant problems. He not once admitted to an affair and in fact, outright denies it. The funny part is that he has a pat answer for every question (including the sex toy package!)..and insists he is innocent. <P>I don't believe him anymore. Not since I found the receipt for the PO box for the OW. You see, he's known her a good number of years and got to see her each month (going to martial arts seminars, which he stopped taking me to long ago). The point is this: I like what Dr. Harley said, "if it smells like a skunk, it probably is." So true!! I have learned the very hard way to trust my intuition now. God gave it to us women for a reason--and down deep, I have known for at least 2 years that something was wrong. I just didn't know--or couldn't accept or believe--that he would do such a thing. His horrible treatment of me, the way he did not meet any of my emotional or physical needs despite my desperate, constant attending to his needs (or so I thought, or as best as I could)is just proof positive to me now that he did, indeed, step outside of our marriage vows. We have been married for 12 years, but together for 16. That's a long time, and we have many memories together but I cannot survive on memories alone! It's time to think of me and what is good for my life and I am very afriad it is not going to include HIM in it anymore. I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow, and going to go by her advice.<P>I am so sorry you are in thie, or a similar boat, Caribgirl. It's the worst pain I've even been in, even worse than the 18 surgeries I've had to endure these past 6 years, but I know that one thing is for sure: I am a survivor and I WILL get through this. So will you! God bless...please write to me anytime.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Windancer

I found out by a number on a phone bill as well in Nov 00. It was cell phone that had long distance charges when he was supposed to be home those days. The ones I saw were on Nov bill and he even pointed out the one in Oct to me when we were trying to figure out how the phone company could make such a mistake. After a few days, my checking with the phone company, I confronted him. My H came up with an explanation that he met an old friend that wanted to talk to him about having left the religious faith that he was involved with for 17 years prior to my meeting him. It didn't sit right but there was no way for me to check it out. He said he no longer had this person's number and the cell phone numbers were calling his office for messages and just showed the originating location. After that he became almost the ideal husband. Well, in early January 01, while on the computer, the computer autofilled something I was typing which indicated that he had a hotmail account that I didn't know about. I confronted him and he gave me another logical explanation. A week later, I could not stand it anymore and I broke into this secret account and found the emails that he and OW exchanged. He had stopped seeing her after I found the cell bill. I would have never guessed that my H would have done this since he has "shunned" friends' Hs who have had affairs. Our marriage, even according to him now, was good.<P>We're still trying to work things out but what I find scariest is that I can't understand why he did this. Hoping that with continued counselling I will find out. He just says it was curiosity.<P>Anyways, continue to be on the lookout and I would not feel bad at all about snooping. Snooping is only bad when we are never given a reason to do it. When our spouses are not totally open with us I feel that we have the right to snoop.<P>I know that my finding out and us dealing with this and forced him to deal with many issues in his life. things are a constant struggle and from week to week I don't know if our marriage will survive this. But I am thankful that I found out even though it has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced.<P>Good luck!

HI ROBYN'S CLUES<BR>Thanks for your input.<BR>Well, I think he told me that he was speaking to someone about our home island, and she was so impressed about the place that she expressed interest in visiting there one day. Well, he is so totally in love with this island that he volunteered more information about the place and that's how they got to talking. Let's just say it went on from there. He still denies having an affair, by the way.<P>To get him to talk about it, I had to let him see how hurt I was about the whole thing. I simply told him that I really loved him and our marriage meant the world to me. I told him that I really wouldn't want our son to grow up with an unfaithful father (and that hit a sore spot seeing that my was an abandoned child - he still has issues that he refuses to deal with). Well, this seemed to shake him up a bit, and I told him before he utters a word, please make sure that he's honest and truthful with me - to leave nothing out.<P>Well, that pretty much covered it up. As I said before, I made sure to have eye to eye contact. You know, we women can sense when the man is lying if we only maintain eye contact. I know that there are some men who can lie with a straight face!)<P>I must say that things have improved drastically in our sex life as well as with the display of affection. He has really been making an added effort and I praise him for it. I compliment him to show him that I recognize his efforts. We touch often and kiss often (more than usual). I think that maybe he didn't sleep with her as yet, but I feel that it was leading to that. Who knows, maybe I saved him from making a terrible mistake. For now.<P>By the way, I walked up the street to the shop she runs (an Optic shop selling brand name sunglasses and prescription glasses) and I just walked in and she offered to help me. She was very friendly but then again she didn't know who I was. My husband doesn't know that I know where the place is either. But one day I will make sure that she knows who I am, but not in a bad way. Then we'll see if he never lied. <P>I did suggest to him that he musn't have close relationships with women. You can have friends - sure, but not close, close enough to cause suspicion in your wife.<P>By the way, women, we shouldn't encourage intimate relationships with other men either. Men react in a worse way than we do! Now who's stronger?!<BR>----------------<BR>CPL<P>[This message has been edited by Caribgirl (edited March 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Caribgirl (edited August 01, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by janetw:<BR><B>This situation sounds very familiar. Unfortunately that's they way I found out my H was having an affair last year. Fortunately we are recovering now, but my advice is to found out for sure if your H is having an affair (emotional or physical). I feel if I had found out sooner (he would never have admitted it), it could have ended sooner. <P>I did a lot of snooping and found undeniable evidence. I asked him to call this "friend" with me on the phone to describe their relationship. Of course they both lied-- but I could tell they were lying. When he offers, "go ahead and call" -- do it. He probably thinks you don't have the nerve-- or don't want to really know the truth.<P><BR>No one in a marriage should have mysterious friends of the opposite sex. No matter how he describes the relationship. Perhaps he's only forming a relationship with someone and you can help him to stop himself from ruining your relationship.<P>There are lots of very wise and helpful people at this site, who'll provide good advice for you. It saved my marriage. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi Folks<P>It's been a while. Recently my H is just generally acting weird and it has gotten me thinking again. I know for a fact that my weight is a problem, and he prefers not to mention it too often because he knows how sensitive I am about it. There has not been any contact with the OW since February.<P>My answers to a post called [/B]"My husband is having internet affair because I am overweight" by TEARS OF SORROW.[/B]- in "Just Found Out" - July 2001 can also be read.<P>Things have gotten better since February, but I find that I have to remind him of my needs. I've read here about "husband coaching". Is this okay?<P>BTW here's cheers to:<BR>- janetw<BR>- Windancer<BR>- Robyn's Clues<BR>- trueblue<BR>- k9love<BR>- Dogbert.<P>Where are you guys hiding? <BR>

Me again!!!!!!!!<P>By the way, does anybody have any idea how to get my H to read HNHN and LB with me? I suggested it but he says he already knows whatever is in those books.<P>I said if you already know, why aren't you practicing what the books say? Well, no answer, of course!<P>Any ideas besides at gunpoint? I'm open...<BR>

Hi guys<P>Have not heard any response from anyone yet. Can anybody give me some ideas regarding my above question? <P>I guess I'll wait until someone answers...<P>-----------------