I recently found out that my husband of 24 years is still in love with an old girlfriend that he asked to marry him before he met me. He located her on the internet about a year ago and has been corresponding with her regularly--in secret. I found out about it a couple months after the initial contact by locating a charge to a motel in the city in which she lives. He told me that she is a devout Catholic and that she is helping him return back to Catholicism. I did not know at the time that he had asked her to marry him years ago. He explained that she was a close friend who also needed support because she was in a loveless marriage and being Catholic she felt trapped. He was "just being a friend". He has admitted to seeing her twice and claims that he never had sex with her. This has been going on for almost a year. She has sent him numerous catholic readings and catholic paraphanelia either to his office or a post office box. He has kept a secret e-mail address and the only way I ever uncovered anything was through snooping. I finally confronted him 3 weeks ago and he told me at that time he was going to stop being in communication with her and that he would tell me if it started up again. He also told me that his feelings for her were only friendship --similar to how I love one of my best female friends is how he loved her. I accepted that and for the past 3 weeks was extremely blissful, relieved and happy. I felt our marriage was re-born--because before I never knew when he would announce one day that he has decided to take her over me and walk out. After 24 years, two life-threatening illnesses, two children, and so many other things we lived through, I was so relieved to have this out in the open and I thought over with. 3 days ago I saw an e-mail that I shouldn't have read where he was telling her that he never got over her not marrying him, that he just resigned himself to living without her and that he still was in love with her. He said that it is possible for him to love two women at one time. I don't think so. I feel hurt and betrayed. I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong-why he felt the need to go seek her out and then why did he hide the relationship if there was nothing wrong? Why did he lie to me about them just being friends yet tell her that he is still in love with her? I don't know how to deal with this. It feels like I've been repeatedly kicked in the stomach. Should I leave him? We have come so far and built up such a nice home through such adversity and it scares me to death to start over again. But will I ever trust him again? Can someone please help me to understand?<P>------------------<BR>

Hi there, I'm going through the same thing sort of, my wife has never actually slept with anyone, but I believe that it was on her mind. She is a wonderful woman and I love her with every part of my being. BUT the trust just isn't there (yet). <BR>The difference is that after I uncovered the emails, pictures, and cards that were hidden from me, my W completely cut all contact with the OM and we began working on our marriage. I know how painful all of this still is to me, and it must be even worse for you if your H won't take that step and totally commit to you. Have you been doing any reading about the subject? Counsel?<P>You will be in my prayers!

Thank you for your thoughts & prayers. Just last night, my husband told me that it was over and that he will not have any more communication with the OW. We can now begin our healing process. I've decided that I can forgive him and move on. I feel like I am making the right decision. I hope it works out for me as it did for you. I have found some good articles on this website on dealing with the pain and hurt. It has been very helpful. Thank you again for your words of support.

Why do you think you can trust him now? Do you think she is out of his life forever? You said you forgave him. Do you really trust him yet - or will you continue to watch him?<BR>I'm in a similar situation but I just can't help myself. I keep looking to "make sure". Do you know what I'm going through? Any advice?

Dear Trustme: you are right--it is hard to trust him but I want to believe in him as well. Yes, I do know what you are going through. The last year has been hell. Not knowing if and when he may walk out of my life forever. He insists that he does love me and that if he had to do it all over again, he would have married me. We are thinking about renewing our vows this Sept. on our 25th wedding anniversary. I surely do not think that he would be able to go thru that if he didn't really want this marriage to work. Trust is something that has to be earned and he needs to earn it back. I'm cautious, but not seeking out information anymore. If I find out that he is still seeing her, it will be through him--I refuse to look for pain and heartache. The anguish is too deep. Take baby steps at first--refuse to allow yourself to rummage thru his papers and check his e-mails, letters, etc. to see if you can find out anything. What is meant to be, will be. If you both TRULY want it to work out, it will. Good luck

Fergie:<BR>I hope you don’t mind me writing back but I’m trying to understand and I’m not sure that I do. You say you had to “snoop” to catch him –twice – and yet now that you’ve confronted him and everything is better – you aren’t going to check up on him anymore.<P>I guess that I’m more where you “were” than where you “are” today. I’ve confronted her but I’m not convinced she has been completely truthful with me. I guess that I really think I’ll find something if I look hard enough. I guess I’m still concerned that even if she doesn’t communicate with him anymore – it’s mostly because she’s afraid I’ll catch her again.<P>You said you confronted your husband about the OW. Was he as involved as you thought? Why do you think he gave her up? How does he act about it? Does he seem really sorry that he hurt you? Or does he seem a little bitter that you brought it to an end?<P>I guess I really don’t understand my wife. She still insists it was all innocent. Sometimes she even has me wondering if maybe its just me making too much out of all of this. I’m still afraid that if I push too hard maybe I’ll be the one who breaks my marriage apart.<P>I hope this makes sense. I’m still too nervous to talk about the personal details of our situation but it really is great to have someone listen and understand what I’ve been going through. Thanks<BR>

When I confronted my husband, he told me to ask whatever I wanted to ask and he would be honest. If I wasn't satisfied with his answers, then he would move out, we would sell the house, pay off our debts, and move on--separately. I guess when I heard that, the finality of the situation really hit home. Did I want to lose everything that we have worked so hard to obtain? We have been through so much--too much to go into here. I kept thinking in the back of my mind, why would he want to lose all that too? So I screamed, I cried, he talked, he cried, he explained, and I want to believe, that he answered my questions truthfully. I don't think he realized how much he hurt me. I got physically ill when I found out about all this. I literally lost my appetite and didn't eat for three days, I wasn't sleeping, I had physical pains in my stomach and chest and he saw all this and I think he realized that it was his behavior that caused it. As a result, I think he was truly sorry for what he did for me and knows exactly how I will react if I ever find out that he is still communicating with her--without him telling me first. The funny thing is, that this woman was really good for him to have as a friend--it is a shame that he allowed it to get out of hand and it is his loss. I'm feeling better each day that I made the right decision in not leaving. I got married young and was never really out on my own and even with a very good job and being financially secure on my own, the very thought of being alone was, and is, terrifying. Sometimes you have to put yourself in God's hands. I've just returned to church after a much long absence and it is surprising how much that is helping me understand. Let me ask you this--do you want it to work out? Do you love your wife enough to give her another chance? I think you do, or you wouldn't be writing. How has your relationship been with her in the past? Up until now, did you trust her? There are so many unknowns it is difficult to offer counsel. Just know that you are not alone and that pain makes us stronger. I was so close to walking out--but now, everything is much, much better. Keep in touch. I wish I had a magic pill to offer that would make it all better. Just keep talking and communicating with your wife. Eventually the real truth will come out and then you can decide your future. Sorry this turned out to be much longer than I anticipated. Hope it's not overkill!

Fergie: Thanks again for listening and for your words of encouragement. It really does seem like you know what I'm going through. Today is one of those days when I've been worrying that maybe I'm the real problem here. I mean, this is tearing me up and I'm not really sure whether my being unable to "let go" isn't the real problem. That's what my W says. <BR>I want to give my W another chance but I think she resents me for making such a "big deal" out of this "affair". She keeps telling me that my insecurity is the real problem. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if she might be right.<BR>You said you thought your H was truly sorry and that he knows how you would react if you ever found out he was still communicating with her again - without telling you first. Do you think you could EVER trust him with her again? I guess that would mean that you REALLY did trust him again. Maybe that will come with time, but I can't imagine letting my W ever talk to the OM again without worrying all over again. I don't know - I guess I'm also not really sure that I ever would have trusted her that much. I mean, like you said, your H had a history with the OW. Would it really have made you feel better if you had known that before he started communicating with her?<BR>Do you think it would help if I confronted the OM? I know his e-mail address and I've thought about writing to him and telling him that he has been writing to a married woman. I'm not even sure if he knows I exist or not. I think I'm also afraid that he does and it doesn't matter. What would you do?<P>Anyhow, thanks a lot! I don't think I could talk about this to any of my friends. I know you don't have all the answers but you really do seem to know what I've been going through and what's been going through my head these last few months. I'm not ready to tell my story on the internet though. I don't know if you get my e-mail address from my response but you can contact me at liontamer@space.com if you are interested in any of the personal details of my relationship. I don't have the courage that you have to talk about it in public.<BR>

Hello fergie & trustme<P>Well, maybe my situation is almost the same as yours. If you read my post (Caribgirl) you'll see. I had no real proof - only telephone bills showing that he was calling this one woman.<P>Well, this weekend I confronted him about it in a calm and collected way. First, I told him how I felt about him and how much this marriage means to me, and I asked him how he felt about this. He said he felt pretty much the same way I did.<P>Then, I told him to be honest with me, no matter if he thinks he will hurt me, because the most important thing to me in a relationship besides love is trust and honesty. So I asked him to be really honest with me and tell me the truth. I asked him if he had an affair going with the woman. He said no, they are just friends. I asked why the big secret, why only call her when I was out of the house. Well to make a long story short, I was satisfied with his answers, but my eyes are still open. I am not going to snoop, just observe keenly, and I stress "keenly".<P>After that two hour discussion, we sealed our love with a kiss and a hug, and he made some pretty reasonable promises. He even opened up and told me a lot of how he feels (which he doesn't usually do) We have been drawn so close by all of this that I must say it was worth bringing the subject up. The pain of suspecting is just too much.<P>I'm glad he told me. Then I told him I believed him and trusted him AGAIN, and please don't let me down. I also advised him that having a close friendship with another woman is dangerous, especially if they both know that they are attracted to each other. He didn't tell me they are attracted to each other, but I assumed so. He agreed that the friendship need not be so close, and that he would not develop close friendships with OW again, and he would even try to introduce me to ALL of his friends, both male and female.<P>How's that for starting over? <BR><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Dear Fergie,<P>I don't mean to scare you, but the first set of e-mail I found between my H and OW, I did the same thing you did. I confronted him, he was very sorry, that he didn't want to lose me, said it was dumb and that he would stop. I believed him and acted accordingly.<P>Then the second set hit me a month later. The affair was in full swing.<P>At this point, I would suggest that you get and read "Surviging An Affair" and re-construct your marriage accordingly. Your H needs to make some changes so that you can build your trust in him again. That book outlines specific steps he and you need to take. Yes, he was having an emotional affair (and maybe even a physical one....why the motel room??). <P>If he cannot do this, then I fear he is lying. The fact that he was so ready to move out after you confronted him seems odd. Does he really want your marriage? If so he needs to bend over backwards to prove to you that there is nothing to hide and he needs to show you in word and deed, that he is willing to do anything to keep the marriage together.<P>It's not only up to you to give him your trust; he needs to prove himself trustworthy. He needs to earn it, esp. after what has happened.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Dear Trustme, Caribgirl, & Mrs.O-sorry I just am responding. Had to travel out of town today and first chance to check personal e-mails. Nice to see so much dialog. I would have to say that trustme, I truly know exactly what you are going thru. I wondered where in the world all my self confidence and self esteem went when all this happened. I thought I exuded self-confidence, but when all this happened I thought of myself as the problem-as the one that created this. Perhaps I had let myself go (gained over 30 lbs in 25 years of marriage) so maybe he was having an affair because of that. I HAD to come to the realization that I was not the "problem"--that I was blameless-that what had happened was his choosing. Yes, your insecurity is showing-so what? Its raw emotion-plain and simple. You're hurting and you feel vulnerable. Nothing to be ashamed of and you should not allow the comments your W make about your insecurities upset you. I also thought about sending the /OW an e-mail. In fact I even wrote it--but before I sent it, I sent it to my H first. Because after I wrote it, it really contained comments directed towards HIM, not her. They were things that he needed to hear and I used the e-mail to her as the medium to get my message across. I think that helped open the channels of communication. I never did send it to her. Still in my draft e-mail box though, just in case. As Caribgirl stated, communication and open conversation, no matter how painful, must occur and you must judge whether your W is being honest. Only you know her. Mrs. O's comments about survival are true also. I want to believe that my H will be true and that I can re-gain his trust; however, I am, in the back of my mind, trying to prepare for the worst. I always practiced the adage "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" in business and now I am applying that philosophy to my personal life as well. I don't think that I will need to call upon that inner strength though, I really feel confident that my H and I are on the road to recovery. I'll retain your e-mail address, trustme, in case this chain of e-mails come to an end so that we can continue to touch base. Good luck seems too trite to say, so as they say in cyberspace-ttyl..

Dear Fergie, CaribGirl and TrustMe:<P>Seems as though we are all in the same boat.<P>Read my post titled, "Is She Having An Emotional Affair" in the EMOTIONAL NEEDS FORUM.<P>Let us compare notes on this one. There is a striking similarity especially for TrustMe ans CaribGirl.<P>Clyde