What happened good or bad if you did contact the OP.<BR>If you haven't contacted the OP- why not?<BR>What it the OP will not leave your H or W alone- which they've told you...and your H or W doesn't want to have to deal with them anymore? And moving is not a consideration.<BR><P>------------------<BR>sad2

Welcome, sad2.<P>I hope that you find some answers to your questions. It's a long journey ahead of you, but one that is worth to try. I've been here for a little over a week now and in general I feel better although still have very bad days and nights. You'll find friends here, so many and so good that you whish you could meet them personally. We all have been betrayed or have been betrayers, we know about your pain even without knowing the whole story.<P>Actually I've been thinking the same Q & was going to post it tonight- in Spain they call it "taking the bull by the horns". The question is… what would to tell OP? Would you ask, beg, insult, yell? Probably none of these would work since OP would turn defensive (and/or offensive), would probably tell your H and make things worse. So what else, reasoning with OP? It would probably work, but then if OP and the betrayer could reason we all wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, the function that their neurons normally perform is temporarily affected by their hormones.<P>In my limited knowledge I say that IF AND WHEN the offended spouse is able to handle the situation calmly, peacefully, with equanimity; IF AND WHEN the betraying spouse wants to save the marriage but is still attached to the OP; and IF OP a) believes to be in love with the betrayer, or b) doesn't care about the betrayer (funny, no?) THEN AND ONLY THEN this conversation would work {if OP is in love or believes to be, he/she COULD PROBBALY be convinced to (in the name of love) leave the spouse alone son he/she can be happy; if for OP the affair is just a pastime it would be easier}.<P>Again, welcome here.<P>This Alex<BR>------------------<BR>If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about Trust and Awareness.<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited December 10, 1999).]

I have no desire to contact the POS OB.<BR>If I did see him I would probably beat him fistly about the facial area. So I hope I don't see him, I wouldn't want to lovebust.<P>When W finaly decides A is over and POS OB won't leave her alone. Then I will either confront him or have him arrested for dealing dope. I know some vice cops.<P>As you can tell I have no love for this punk right now.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Sad2-<BR>I don't know if it helps at all to have that contact, from what I've been told not and I truly believe this to be true. The OW was a friend from my H's childhood, the one his family actually wanted him to marry instead of me. I knew her, I cooked Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner for her and her H last year. They came to my house and she acted as though I was her best friend. This makes it harder to get past the pain because She made me believe she was my friend even though I suspected her true motives for months before confirmation. <BR>I have seen her since the recovery has been in process and it saddens me. We really could have been friends if she hadn't done what she did to me. I didn't get closure from the event, it was a family party and she was invited and showed up, almost as if she had more right to be there than I, the true in=law. <BR>I have had numerous people tell me from this site that it doesn't solve anything and can lead you down a foul path so I don't want to tempt things anymore than they already are. She tried to keep on things with him and she failed, I caught her after a month still e-mailing him and I told him to end it once and for all and he did, I was there when he did and read the e-mail that finally broke it. I feel bad for her in some ways, she was living in this fantasy world where she thought this time she could win him and keep him. <BR>I think if you continue contact with the person it keeps the intensity of the feelings around, weather your the betrayed or the betrayer. If you contacted the OP what good would it do? Would it make them want to continue contact with your spouse? I would think long and hard on this.......God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I have contacted her, but she did not change her behavior. I believe that when they are in the throes of the affair, NOTHING you say to her/him will make any difference. One or both of them must come to the conclusion that they cannot meet the others emotional needs, and that they have made a bad decision. That is why I feel that Dr. H principles work so well, if we as the betrayed can hold on to follow them . <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

well I have called and emailed the ow and it did nothing.....she did say she was sorry but I dont believe her and in the last email she said she did not blame her self for the condition of my marriage and that if she thought about it it would make her unhappy and she dosent like to be unhappy......life sucks and then you die!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever"<BR>

I've been on both sides of this thing and here's my advice:<P>Work on the <B>spouse</B> not the OP.<P>In the midst of the affair, neither care much, but the OP really doesn't care about you or the lives being ruined - and I say that from my betraying side.<P>I confronted one of the OW of my H's and it did nothing except make me feel like a hateful big fat pig. She brought her Bible, looked beautiful, and hugged me (blech!). It had been over anyway, and it did nothing to further anything along... except make my H angry.<P>Just my 2 cents worth...

Thanks for all the feedback. I almost lost it twice so far since I've found out. Talking it through really helps. I know my h loves me. But, I hope there isn't a 6 month relapse from this OW. If there is...I'll need to hold alot of hands here to keep mine off the phone. It's hard not to be in control when you wish you could be by either turning back the clock or finding out sooner and then stepping in......thanks!

I called her to confont her and it was a terrible experience because I should have hung up as soon as she said "yes". But I just couldn't tear myself away. She didn't care about me, although she pretended to, she just wanted to tell me as many awful details she could to blow up our relationship. <P>I now know all sorts of things I wish I didn't know, like the fact that they did it after she picked him up at the airport (after visiting me!) I know so much, I wish I didn't. <P>If you already know about the affair, just concentrate on him. She doesn't care and she's isn't going to tell you some nobel truth. If she cared, she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I dont't recommend this, but I did contact the OW...actually I confronted the two of them. After the discovery of the affair, my H came home to work things out, but I had suspected that he was still seeing the OW. About three weeks after the discovery, my co-worker and I followed my H at lunch. He and the OW were having a picnic lunch in the park. I confronted them, and it was a big ugly scene. I asked her how could she do this to a one year old little girl...then I threw a soda on her! She showed no signs of remorse. And, as she walked away she snidely turned around and said,"It was very nice to meet you." <P>I had another phone conversation with her about two weeks later. I told her that I hoped she was happy because she had destroyed my marriage and family. Once again she didn't care. She even denied having an affair with my H. Said that she really wasn't "in love" with him and that it was just a rebound relationship. Said that if he must be screwing around w/ other people. Yeah right!<P>Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that it really doesn't do any good to contact the OP. They are only thinking about their own selfish needs.

I did it just last week in hopes of a apology and to make sure they were still not seeing eachother. She made it seem real good till she started telling me it was all H's fault and he has done it before. As some one on here told me, probably trying to get the guilt off of her shoulders. She did apologize, and I told her through GOd I forgave her, but she no more meant it than I live on Mars.<BR> I don't regret doing it, but I do regret believeing anything she had to say. ALl she really wanted to do was stick the knife a little further in my back.<BR> I think when a person goes into an affair they lose every bit of honesty and morals that they had. So even though she may have been a nice LITTLE GIRL, she sure is not now.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

Been there, Done that!!!! Don't recommend it. The OP just wants to justify their actions and sell their case. And they do, in spades. They don't care one twit about you or your feelings or the fact you have been betrayed. It only gives them room and a platform to present their side of the story. The only thing good which came out of my confrontation with the OW is that I verbalized to her her need for God in her life and told her I forgave her. She is a victim, but a victim of her own sin and greed. Wouldn't do it again if I could do it over.<P>------------------<BR>love is blind<P>

When I tried to contact the Om in my case, I was threatened with a restraining order!<BR>He pursued my wife for months after she called it off for good, and he's trying to restrain ME??<BR>When I finally did get to talk with him, he said he was sorry, but I know he could care less about what he did to me. He pretended to be my " friend " for a few years, easier to get to my wife that way.<P>He's absolutely shameless. He even told my wife a number of times that the song <BR>"shameless " was his song and was about his<BR>feelings for her.<BR>Listen to the song, it tells what kind of man he REALLY is!<BR>

Sad2-<BR>I contacted the OW a couple of times:<P>1.The night my H confessed, because a part of me did not believe what he was telling me; I needed to hear it from someone else. So I asked my H to get her on the phone. He left a message on her mobile asking her to ring our home. She wouldn't ring back. So I left a message on her voicemail, short and brief: "Hi X, It's me. You can have him, I don't want him." About 5 mins later she rang back. She apologised for the affair, said how sooorrry she was, and asked if the 3 of us could meet. "Not a fat chance in H@ll" was my reply. I had my confirmation.<P>2. I rang her a few weeks later, after my H had stopped talking to me and had been sneaking off to talk to her. I thought that she might have been pregnant and that my H was waiting for the results. It turns out she wasn't pregnant. She kept me on the phone for almost 2 hours. She kept trying to stick the knife in, but I think I did more damage. H had been lying to her, and it was I who burst her fragile bubble.<P>3.She turned up at <B>MY</B>home later that night and invited herself in. She was there about an hour. She then told me things I wish I had never heard. But I believe I gave as good as I got. She then went to MIL and tried to claim her prize, or at least justify herself to them....I guess she was thinking that she had to deal with their reactions to the affair sooner rather than later, as she had/has dreams of being welcomed in to their home as their new daughter-in-law. I don't think she counted on their reaction being so negative. She also wanted a third party to confirm to her which version of the facts was true, or at least, the closest to the truth; H's or mine. MIL & FIL both confirmed what I had told her.[VICTORY...HEEHEE!] In addition, the really bad, horrible stuff she had told me, she went on to tell them. This had an interesting effect, in that it back-fired on my H and her considerably. After the dust settled (1-2 weeks later) nearly everyone considers her to be manipulative, uncaring and definitly not a good match for my H, so no-one is endorsing their union. This, of course, has affected my H, and appears to have cooled his desire somewhat. I'm not saying he's stopped seeing her, but if their plans were to run off together, well, it ain't happening.<P>4.After a few weeks, my H had not contributed to one bill, nor to the upkeep and maintenance of our D. He kept crying poor. So I rang the OW and asked her if she'd seen H. She said she had. I remembered that it was her birthday, and asked her if he had gotten her anything for it. She, being proud and wanting to rub it in my face, of course, told me the truth. He had bought her a lovely gold bracelet. I worked out it's value, based on the amount of $ he couldn't account for. It was almost his entire paycheck! After she told me this, she asked why I wanted to know and I told her the truth: "It's for my lawyer. He is filing maintenance and custody papers, etc, and we need to know where the $ went." She hung up soooo fast, and the next minute my H was on the phone, really pissed off! [HA! score another point for me...!]<P><BR>Would I do it again. You betcha! This woman has gaul, and is so self-absorbed. I have no problems confronting the naive but manuplating little know- it-all. I've been around longer (but not thaaat much longer), and can play her game better. Every time she thinks she's got a chance to rub it in, or show off the fact that she's won, she @#$^s up. Everything she has told me, I've managed to turn around and have it cause problems.<P>For example, she told me that my daughter 'was a mistake' in front of witnesses. This has allowed me to make her an issue in our custody and contact orders. As she has the potential to do grave emotional damage to my D, she is not allowed any contact {visual, verbal or written} with her.<P>Now, I'm not saying what I've done is right. Nearly everything could be considered as major lovebusters but I feel that I need to do anything and everything I need to in order to protect the interests of my child and myself. <BR><P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

This is a really good question and one that I have dealt with for a year now. H and I are doing well but I still have that need to tell the other W off. I just want to get in her face so bad and tell her what a tramp she is and then walk away.<P>I feel like she is feeling no remorse for her part in almost destroying me and going her merry little way and I struggle with this thought daily. Do I get it out of my system and go for it...or do I bite the bullet and only dream about it? Certainly don't want to give her any reason to ever contact H again, that is for sure. Even if I could do an anonymous without details of who is giving her the what for things that could imply me, I would be happy. What a struggle!

Here is my two cents worth....I contacted the OW several times with mixed results. The first time was right after discovery, I wen to the hospital and told her to basically back off MY husband. She *seemed* so remorseful...YUCK! Did not give a f*cking* rats *ss about me! She was YOUNG....DUMB...and full of her own life's problems. She latched right on to my H.<P>Anyway, the affair progressed...SURPRISE, SURPRISE...and I called her a ew times telling her she better not ever let MY husband into her house again...*YEAH, right*.<P>Then....and here is my day of GLORY right after everythng got really bad here, attorneys, the whole nine yards...he was moving out, to be with his one true love...I found them all cozy together at the gym, and I slapped her on the back of the head, and I sai, "If you want my husband, then you can have the @amn kids too" and I plopped my then 18 month old in her lap. YUCK...well, the rest is history, I got arrested...*WARNING* DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! I landed in jail, got out real quickly, but at least they called it quits.<P>He still moved out, and it was not until six weeks later that we reunited. I would say that the moral of my story is.....You cannot say or do ANYTHING to your spouse or the OP that will make them quit the affair. Yes, they ended it after what I did, but I know I did NOT make them end their affair. They decided that it just was not worth all the mess. <P>I made some pretty supid mistakes during all this mess, but one thing I have learned, there is only one person I can change, and that is ME.<P>I have since called the OW, and spoke with her at a party, and I have forgiven her. She was NOT the cause of the downfall of our marriage, my H and I managed to do that all by ourselves. She had her own problems, and made her own choices....she will have to deal with them, I am healing myself, and loving my life now.<P>Good luck at whatever you decide to do!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>