My first time, so I'm nervous. My military husband is having an affair. He told me he was interested in someone about 2 weeks ago, but I think it is more than that. He refuses any physical contact with me but still sleeps in our bed (with a body pillow between us. He has been drinking more and has stayed gone all night a few times. He says that our financial situation prevents him from leaving, but they are at a manageable state he will leave. We have been married (each a 2nd marriage) 12 years and have 2 kids (my 16 yr old daughter and our 10 yr old son). He, on a daily basis fulfills his duties as a father and provider. The OW I suspect he is seeing lives out of town and comes to our town on Reserve Drill weekends. Our only communication is reference either the kids, money, or small talk. He does show concern for my welfare/health (think I'm developing an ulcer - lost 15 lbs so far) and encourages me to take vitamins, my prilosec, and eat when I can. I suspect that it started mid-December. I am hoping that because he, as far as I know, can only see her one weekand a month, that he or she wil tire of it and it will end. In the mean time, I guess I continue with Plan A, which I didn't know I was doing until I found MB 2 days ago. It is very hard because I still love him very much and want to work it out. I am seeing the pastor of a local church for some support (can't afford an actual counselor), but H refuses to do any counseling. Any advice/support is greatly appreciated. Thinking about buying "Surviving an Affair". <P>Hanging on!<BR>ArRefn

Welcome <B>smith5863</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do continue on your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Remember...<BR>...that first and foremost..<BR>Plan A is to make you better!<P>Stay around here for more advice...<BR>Do get the book (if necessary from you local library.)<P>No one can guarantee that your marriage will be saved...<BR>...but we can give you the support you need.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

NSR/Jim,<P> Thanks for your reply. I guess I didn't introduce myself - my name is Darlene. I realize there are no guarantees, but it helps to communicate with peolple who can relate. Yesterday he told me that his superiors at work have suspicions and heard rumors about him and this woman - she works for him. They will remove her from his office - a good thing - but he mat be in some trouble if they decide to start an investigation. We talked quite abit about his circumstances at work and he said he thinks the reason he did it is lask of affection, etc. I told I understand that now and have learned some things about myself that I think will help. He left after that - said he was depressed and needed to go. When he came home he said he went to the bar where his work mates hang out to try to find out who spilled the beans. Said most of them were on his side - I wasn't encouraged by that. But this a.m. I asked if I could lay next to him for a minute and he allowed it. Maybe I'm grasping? He hasn't said that he will end the relationship. I'm going to buy the book today. Thanks again and I will pray everyone out there going through similar situations. <P>Darlene<BR> <BR>

Darlene -<P>Buy the book . . .<BR>And do not give up hope . . . <P>As Jim said, Plan A is about you . . .<P>my prayers are going out for you -<P>

Darlene, <P>I too am a military spouse, I found out about my husbands affair in December. His was with a fellow OFFICER while they were at a required school for 6 months. My heart goes out to you, as military wives we have not got the support that the husbands do when they have an affair. It seems to me that infidelity in the military ranks runs amok, and the men get support from their "buddies" in the office or field. It is sooo easy to have an affair in the military, they almost set you up for failure (dine-ins, field time, training away from your family, temporary duty etc). <P>He has good reason to be concerned, fraternization is a serious offense if they can prove it. I would suggest he come clean with someone in his chain of command (they may be more lenient and let it go this time IF you get counseling together)and then, get him to the Chaplain as soon as possible. Your marriage CAN be saved if that is what you want! Take care of yourself, easy to say, hard to do. You will get past this in time, you must take care of yourself so that you can be there for your children. <P>Hang in there, you will get better with time. Keep reading the posts and definitely get Dr.Harley's book(s). It has helped me tremendously. <P>PS ~ By the way, the Chaplain cannot reveal anything that is said between the three of you unless it has to do with physical abuse or violence. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by smith5863:<BR><B>My first time, so I'm nervous. My military husband is having an affair. He told me he was interested in someone about 2 weeks ago, but I think it is more than that. He refuses any physical contact with me but still sleeps in our bed (with a body pillow between us. He has been drinking more and has stayed gone all night a few times. He says that our financial situation prevents him from leaving, but they are at a manageable state he will leave. We have been married (each a 2nd marriage) 12 years and have 2 kids (my 16 yr old daughter and our 10 yr old son). He, on a daily basis fulfills his duties as a father and provider. The OW I suspect he is seeing lives out of town and comes to our town on Reserve Drill weekends. Our only communication is reference either the kids, money, or small talk. He does show concern for my welfare/health (think I'm developing an ulcer - lost 15 lbs so far) and encourages me to take vitamins, my prilosec, and eat when I can. I suspect that it started mid-December. I am hoping that because he, as far as I know, can only see her one weekand a month, that he or she wil tire of it and it will end. In the mean time, I guess I continue with Plan A, which I didn't know I was doing until I found MB 2 days ago. It is very hard because I still love him very much and want to work it out. I am seeing the pastor of a local church for some support (can't afford an actual counselor), but H refuses to do any counseling. Any advice/support is greatly appreciated. Thinking about buying "Surviving an Affair". <P>Hanging on!<BR>ArRefn</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Blessings, RavensLady

Update. We have maintained a line of communication and he has admitted to an affair I already knew about 8 years ago and also shared other details about this one. He still says he will leave when the finances are taken care of but I continually get mixed messages. He allows me to snuggle with him at night now and this a.m. even reciprocated some. In last nights conversation he "if" we split, rather than when. Maybe I am still grasping. He stayed out all night last Friday night - with her. She lives with her parents and is apparently hiding their relationship from them. I'm thinking about calling her parents - what do you think. I thought about telling him that if he doesn't stop seeing her I will call his commander and tell him what is going on. This would mean more trouble at work, but maybe it would be the "slap in the face" he needs. I also feel at times that he is playing head games with me. After last nights conversation and this mornings cuddling session I thought maybe he was beginning to think maybe he wanted to try again, then he called me and said he wanted to put our land up for sale (to help fix the finances) and could he have the camper because he would need a place to go. <P>So confused! Any thoughts or advice?

Try not to have any contact with the OW... or her family.<P>Don't give up the land...<BR>...try not to encourage anything that would help you split up.<P>Give him as much of your best Plan A...<BR>...(for you too)...<BR>...as you can.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the advice. I probably shouldn't threaten to call his commander either I suppose. It seems like he is okay and acts in positive ways until he either calls her or sees her - was fine last night and then I figure he called her today from work and then he talks about selling the land and wants the camper to live in. Most of our problem was lack of affection and not enough sex for him. We will meet in his office tonight to work on our tax return and I had thoughts on initiating intimacy with him to show him I can be spontaneous, but maybe that would be too much too fast (please advise). He has told my daughter of the OW, leaving out some details of course. He has a second job now - nights and weekends, so I figure thats less time he can spend with her and she will get frustrated with that and put pressure on him. Also found out she lives only 45 min - 1 hour away, so he can and does see her more than one weekend a month. Anyone's reaction or thoughts on this is appreciated.<P>Thanks<BR>Darlene

Ravenslady,<P> Are you still out there? I have been hoping for some response to me last post but nothing yet. I had to order Surviving an Affair from the bookstore and it will be in Monday - looking forward to reading it. If you have any feedback you would like to share, please do so.<P>Darlene<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RavensLady:<BR><B>Darlene, <P>I too am a military spouse, I found out about my husbands affair in December. His was with a fellow OFFICER while they were at a required school for 6 months. My heart goes out to you, as military wives we have not got the support that the husbands do when they have an affair. It seems to me that infidelity in the military ranks runs amok, and the men get support from their "buddies" in the office or field. It is sooo easy to have an affair in the military, they almost set you up for failure (dine-ins, field time, training away from your family, temporary duty etc). <P>He has good reason to be concerned, fraternization is a serious offense if they can prove it. I would suggest he come clean with someone in his chain of command (they may be more lenient and let it go this time IF you get counseling together)and then, get him to the Chaplain as soon as possible. Your marriage CAN be saved if that is what you want! Take care of yourself, easy to say, hard to do. You will get past this in time, you must take care of yourself so that you can be there for your children. <P>Hang in there, you will get better with time. Keep reading the posts and definitely get Dr.Harley's book(s). It has helped me tremendously. <P>PS ~ By the way, the Chaplain cannot reveal anything that is said between the three of you unless it has to do with physical abuse or violence. <BR> <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I agree with Jim: don't give up the land. Everything that is split and divided and dealt with will make it easier for him to walk away.<P>It's a way for him to compartmentalize - if you want the marriage to come back to you, you can't let him divy everything up.<P>Bama

Well, as of last Wednesday the last was listed with a realtor. He called and made the arrangements. He said he felt that it was either that or file bankruptcy because we are sinking financially. Please read my earlier post titled typical fog. If anyone could offer their point of view it would help. He says he won't share with me his plans/agenda for the future because if I knew I would have the opportunity to ruin them in some way. Sounds like he is planning a future with the OW. Makes me feel great. Is this still the fog or for real? Cut my losses and hang it up? He asked my 16 yr old yesterday how long she thought he should stay. She said "How about until I graduate college?" He said that is 5 years from now. She said, Yeah, maybe you and mom will work out your problems by then. He was silent after that. He also talked about hoping to be able to renew the lease on the house we are renting. Don't understand why he would want to - maybe just not wanting to have to move everything, just his stuff. I usually snuggle with him either at night before going to sleep or in the morning before getting out of bed and he allows it. Occasionally he reciprocates, and he allows me to kiss him good-bye in the morning. He doesn't have to work his 2nd job tonight so figured he would go see her, but he said he had no plans. I said we should help our son with his school project and he agreed. Then later he said he had tentative plans for Saturday night - wanted to go drink green beer. Kind of wanted to ask if I could join him but am pretty sure he would say no. Anyway, that is the latest. Need some feedback to keep me grounded.<P>Darlene