,<P>[This message has been edited by thepreacherswife (edited March 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by thepreacherswife (edited May 21, 2001).]

Keep your faith in God. I think it is good he wants to try and work it out. I always felt as a man being a preacher would be hard. But I see your point, the preacher's wife is the one that has to deal with both situations (his and yours). Keep praying.

I don't have much advice, but I do know how you feel. My H was associate pastor, but resigned just before he told me about his A. Ironically, after 9 months of supposed recovery, he just recently told me about another A that began about 4 years ago and continued until this past November (physically, at least--he did not completely "break up" with her until just before he told me). The first A, that I just found out about, started about the time he entered the ministry full-time, after serving in several volunteer capacities over the first 15 years of our marriage. We still have told no one. We have 2 teenage daughters. I want to protect them, but I guess in a way I do want to protect H's reputation, although in some of my more hysterical moments I have accused him of caring only about his standing in the community (he is also an elected official, very well-liked, respected, etc.).<P>One thing that helped me tremendously in those first anguishing days after discovery was reading here. HGBrawner's posts especially touched me. She has a post in In Recovery about "Something special...." that might encourage you.<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Good Morning Preacher's Wife<P>First of all let me say that you have been prayed for this morning, and I am convinced that the God who created you will see you through this most difficult time in your life. As you well know, you are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will not let you off for a great while. Hang in there, rely on your faith, and you can make it.<P>I am an Associate minister at a relatively large church. Three months ago my wife confessed to me that she had an affair with a good friend (formerly) of mine who was a member of the Sunday School class I was teaching. The OMW was also a very close friend of hers. All four of us were in very visible staff and lay positions within the church. The fallout for those close to us has been devastating. The other couple has left the church, but we are still there until I find suitable secular employment. I intend to leave the ministry at least for a while, so we can concentrate on our family. I say all that just to let you know that I can empathize somewhat with your situation. Everyone's is different, but being in the ministry makes it even more complicated. (We also have three young children).<P>I take it from your posting that the affair hasn't been made public to the church yet? Has your husband been broken yet by the Lord and is he truly repentant? If not, then those things have to happen before you can begin your recovery. I have found Dr. Harley's books most helpful in understanding what happened to my family and for practical advice in charting a course for recovery. Although written from a secular perspective, I have found them to be very sound scripturally, and I feel like I can trust them. "Surviving an Affair" has been especially helpful. Let me recommend another book by a senior pastor who fell in much the same fashion as your husband. "Rebuilding Your Broken World" by Gordon Macdonald. This book has helped my wife tremendously.<P>Let me give you some hope. We are only three months into our recovery and are doing fantastic. The Lord has truly worked a miracle in restoring my wife and showing us things about ourselves and our marriage. Remember, "Greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world."<P>Write me back and let me know how you are doing. What can I pray for you for specifically? Hang in there, God still loves you.

worththefight<BR>Have you read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder? It is a Christian book for restoration after an affair and of all the books I've read absolutely the best.<P>I commend you on your plan to step down for a while to focus on your family. The marriages of our ministers are increasingly under attack and it is so important to give them the priority they need. God is always first, but the family must come second before the church. This is hard to do, since we the church family, demand so much from our ministers.<P>My husband and I are another success story. Neither of us was in the ministry when his brief affair happened, but God has since led me to a secretarial position in the church He led us to for our recovery. We just celebrated the third anniversary of our new beginning and are extremely happy. God has truly brought beauty from ashes and given us a wonderful marriage. He has also provided opportunities for us to minister to other couples and the opportunity for me to minister here. <P>You are on the road to recovery. Hold on to these good moments for times when the road gets rocky. The journey to restoration is long and sometimes painful, but as your name states, it is worth the fight.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I have a perspective on trying to "protect" a spouse's reputation. That is a form of dishonesty. It also facilitates further error. It is not your duty to protect his reputation. It is his responsibility to maintain his reputation by living privately what he purports to be publicly. Allowing a difference between the two facilitates further dishonesty. The Bible says that we are to confess our faults one to another and pray that we might be healed. The holiness seekers of the early church maintained clean hearts by confessing their faults one to another. I do not believe you do your husband a service to buy into the unbiblical idea that covering sin protects him. We are to cover one another in love... not cover up the reality of our weaknesses and flaws. He did it. The best purging would be to tell the entire congregation. That way, everyone knows he has that weakness. If they do not love and respect him, warts and all, then they don't love and respect him for who he really is. As you tell the entire congregation... accountability comes into play... and a purging takes place. You might not agree. The blows of the righteous are a blessing... and wounds of disclosing the reality of sin purge evil. Yes, it will hurt. But a false front is ongoing hypocrisy that will continue to perpetuate the stronghold that led to the sin in the first place... hypocrisy. There was an opportunity for your husband to look one way and live another. I would eliminate it by telling the whole congregation. He was an officer. Those who sin before all... rebuke before all. That's my point of view. God bless.

worththefight<BR>I just looked at your profile and find that we are neighbors of sorts. I live in Georgia and am familiar with Millington since my husband was stationed there during his Marine Corps training many years ago. Just wanted to say hi.

thepreacher'swife...<P>you may not be ready to hear from me just yet but if and when you are, here's my story:<P>I am a preacher's wife and also a pastor in my own right.<BR>I can relate to some things your husband did without understanding why..it's my h and I hope that we will come to understand this through counselling.<P>My A lasted from August to Feb 14-on the 15 I emailed OM early morning to tell him I would confess to H. H forgave me immediately-he knew/yet was in denial. Yes, he is still very angry and hurt but even before he began reading Surviving An Affair, he did everything just the way Dr. Harley recommends. <P>I cut off all contact with OM immediately. My H felt it was only right we report my sin to our bosses here in the city.<BR>So we told them and they were totally shocked. My boss has prayed for me every day since I was a teenager-I was shocked at that! I wondered how much good it did but then I realized it is why I found mercy when I could have been rejected.<P>I am suspended with pay. I am not allowed to enter our church or any other in my denomination till further notice. I have to attend a different church (to which my h has to drive me before going to minister to ours-he will not take time off, despite this new situation and recovering from radioactive iodine treatment a month ago-for thyroid cancer)<BR>We requested a change of work as this is an option within our denomination. Today a board met at nat'l head office to decide what to do with us. But the top guy is out of country so we won't hear till he returns to the office Mon or Tues next week. <P>We are dealing with the honesty dilemma. I also suffer from chronic depression so it's easy to tell the congregation I am off due to stress for now but my h feels his integrity is compromised. It's a delicate matter and will be revealed to the leadership team upon our leaving the city with my h present. <P>I cannot even begin to describe my remorse and regret over my stupidity and it took me a week or so to believe H and God truly forgave me. I think I have forgiven myself but sometimes I doubt. <P>It may not feel fair that your h needs you to just accept everything without arguing and it's not. But as a WS, I know I almost left this forum because I was so fragile and couldn't take the brutal honesty at first. My h has been like Christ in his treatment of me-he sees me as a victim (yes, by choice but I also was strategically seduced-OM probably made biggest notch in collection of women belt by taking down a preacher/s wife-I didn't consummate the a) and is very protective of me. His anger was more during his suspicion.<P>I chose to confess as I could not bear disappointing God , H and everyone by my double life and I could not take the loneliness of stepping out of God's will. It's only been since Feb 15 and yeah, it's a rollercoaster for both of us but we talked tonight after reading all the posts here and have been discussing how all we ever did before was "talk shop" and even though this is a hellish experience, it is at least something new, different and interesting to discuss. Isn't that a sad commentary on ministry? Becoming so absorbed in pastoring that we lost sight of our precious family and cherished relationship with one another.<P>I know it will be very difficult to forgive your H but people here will be praying for you and God will help you process the pain. I am so glad you are in counselling and pray God's blessings on you and an outpouring of healing and restoration of your marriage.<P>I hope nothing here sounds judgemental. I am so glad you revealed that you are a pastor's wife and to others who acknowledge their ministry. Satan seeks whom he may devour but we believe in the God who shut the lions mouths and brought deliverance and deserves (God!) glory for Who He is to us through every day of life, good or bad.<P><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

thepreacherswife:<P>I feel I should apologize..I didn't intend for my message yesterday (Mar 6) to be about me. I hoped it might help you understand the confusion your husband is experiencing.<BR>Please forgive me if it came across any other way.<P>It sounds like it was kind of a forced confession in a way?<BR>In our case, i chose to confess. Now everything is scary. I felt in order to break the power of OM over me ( I honestly asked him to break up 100 times-well maybe not that many but he would say yes and start cuddling right away-I don't understand why I didn't end things sooner or say no for good) and also to stop the double life and be restored to my H and my Saviour, I had to tell the whole truth.<P>My h was furious with me during the A esp at the start and toward the end but miraculously forgave me instantly. He's still mad but so supportive and protective and knows the day will come when he can really let me have it verbally when we both feel in a safer place emotionally.<P>I can only guess your feelings and really can't say what your h's true feelings are but if he is the man of God he once was (or desires to be again), then I suspect he feels regret, remorse, hopefully repentance, shame at humiliating you, the church, himself.<P>Facing the consequences of church discipline has been hard for me but I've borne it because I strongly desire a better marriage and to give the best of myself to H and God and others if I can dig deep enough to see it and believe thru God's grace it is there and will emerge.<P>It is scary revealing things but from what I've read of Dr Harley's teachings, honesty is the best policy. I may be wrong but I think your husband needs to confess. However, I also know that I wanted to be rescued and maybe I would have resented husband telling on me but I didn't know how to end it. I could be wrong but I think you may just do him a favor by exposing the sin and you will help the leadership deal with "sin in the camp"...I'll pray for you as you decide or things unfold.<P>I don't expect you to take my advice or maybe even read this or yesterday's post but I hope so much for you that the Lord will intervene in His mighty love for you and your husband that healing will begin.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start