I found out 2 days ago about my husbands - I can't even bring myself to say it. Anyway, I do NOT know what to do. It took me four tries just to register and typing this is so hard since I cant get my fingers to work I am shaking so hard! He wants to start new. He says he cut ties, and doesn't want to talk since it keeps reminding him of his mistake. He wont tell me what he said to her. He wants to forgive and forget. I want to confront her, make her apologise since I DO know her. Make her see the pain she caused along with him. He says she is blameless and that by confronting her I am putting blame in the wrong place. THEY ARE BOTH TO BLAME. (and yes in some ways me too although I NEVER once in all our years EVER entertained any ideas like this!) He says no. I feel since he broke it with her why does he feel the need to protect her from more pain. Where's my pain. He says it will solve nothing. My sensible side sees his point, but the betrayed me can't. ANYTHING anyone can say can help. He is pretending as if NOTHING has happened and that too is killing me. He wont talk since he says the way to build is to go forward not back and to keep talking about it is to go back. What do I do? I cant seem to get beyond this. I have panic attaacks and shake. I can't sleep and it is affecting me badly. HELP

Dear husky,<P>I'm so sorry for your pain and emotional upheaval. What your husband and that ----- did by betraying you was evil. Now, slow down, take deep breaths, and take time to calm yourself. (Easier said than done.)<P>Now is not the time to make any decisions or take any action. Get "centered," as the New Agers say. Take stock of your options and consider what you want to do. Acting hastily or impulsively may end up hurting you more than anybody else, and you want to come out of this stronger and smelling like a rose.<P>Visit the sites here, the Plan A/Plan B, and the articles about surving an affair. Read the posts of others on the Just Found Out board. There are success stories here.<P>I understand your frustration about not being able to confront the OW and let her have it. I also understand how you feel about your H being protective of her. His loyalty rightly belongs to YOU. You've been betrayed and robbed and now he wants to have you never speak of it again, just go on as if it never happened. Of course you're furious.<P>BE VERY CAREFUL. DO NOT DO ANYTHING DESTRUCTIVE OR SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. YOU AREN'T IN YOUR STRONGEST STATE RIGHT NOW.<P>Make friends here, post and vent and if you can afford it ($95 a pop) counsel with the Harleys. And don't let your H convince you that you're crazy. You're not! (Probably)<P>Where do you think I got inspired to use my screen name? Right! From a husband who kept telling me I was crazy!<P>Do you pray? Honest, it helps.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Welcome <B>husky</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Unquestionably... see your doctor... get on some medication (anti-depressants) quickly!<BR>They will take several weekd to fully kick in.<P>You've got to put the ideas of talking with the OW...<BR>...it will hurt you even more!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Counseling would be a good thing as well.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Get a hold of "Surviving an Affair" and "After the Affair".Read, read, read. Your H should read them as well.<BR>Come here for support. It is not possible to never talk about it and just forget it. Your H sounds like he has fears and issues he doesn't want to face. Strength to you<BR>both. Make no rash decisions right now about anything you are too emotional, too raw from this horrible discovery.<BR>This forum WILL be here to support you.

To Bellevue, Jim and Alberta, I just want to tell those of you who took the time to respond to me, that I cannot say and will probably never be able to completely convey how much your words comforted me and how much knowing someone out there is available means to me!!!! The shock, sadness, and betrayal are giving way to anger now. Have you ever read the book on death, dying and bereavement. There are stages that must be gone through when dealing with a dying person (yourself or others) In a lot of ways, this is the same. Denial came before - yes I asked him 4 times before and he looked me dead in the eyes and adamently denied it. You know the rest. Yes, I do pray although I am not at a point where I feel that I can talk to my clergy. With the exception of one very good friend, I feel the need to keep this quiet. There are children involved and I do not want them to know. Therefore, to add to this pain, I must now attempt to be "happy" and not let things be suspected. God, I hate the deception. Why does it seem so easy for him?! I just read that - what a stupid thing to say. Deception is easy apparently. I spent the better part of the day yesterday reading as much of the web site as I could. I found out that he has things at her place that he must get (they belong to me too). He is avoiding it and wants to put off doing it- should I care?! Despite his objections (I did not give him a choice), I set a day and I WILL be with him when we go. Do I let her know before? I do not want to get into any legal problems. Yes he has a key so he has her permission to go into her house but I doubt I do. I am still having trouble understanding why he wants to keep her from more pain? He said he broke it off. I read on this site that the betrayer should write a letter (without sentiment)to make the point clear about his intentions. He doesn't want to. I told him he cannot committ 100% to repairing this marriage if he is unwilling (no matter how painful-again I don't care) to do what I ask. When we leave, the letter WILL be on her table!!!! There is the possibility that she may be there. That is a risk I know I have to take. In a lot of ways I do hope she is there. I want her to witness the stripping of her world - too vindictive? He begged that I not take revenge on her since it was NOT HER FAULT. I could not promise and I know that will hurt our recovery but at this point I do not trust her and I cannot see my way clear to make any concessions to him. He wants to move forward. I told him I can't until I do this. He said he understood. I also told him in time I may be able to promise no revenge, but until then I think this is the best closure with her that I know I must have- remember I know her and I too am losing a friend - as stupid and crazy as that may sound. Is it wrong to feel sadness for that loss too? Why do I have to be so nice about this - I am torn with these feelings and I know only time will help, boy I wish time could fly. The dust is at least settling a little. I think I am in a more calm frame of mind. I still get panic attacks - Had the first one today when he left for work. I must say this site is probably the best thing that I found, Just writing this is actually helping me relax the tension a little that I am now feeling. Thanks you thank you thank you!!!!

Dear husky:<P>"The shock, sadness, and betrayal are giving way to anger now. Have you ever read the book on death, dying and bereavement. There are stages that must be gone through when dealing with a dying person (yourself or others) In a lot of ways, this is the same."<P>Yes, have read articles and books about bereavement. What the betrayer doesn't want to realize is that finding out about their affair IS a death. The stages of grief aren't always neat, orderly and sequential. At least if the betrayer had died, the death if final. They aren't walking around, going on as if nothing had happened. You aren't wondering whether every time they go out to walkt he dog (with their cell phone in their pocket) they are going to have a heart-to-heart with the OP.<BR>"Therefore, to add to this pain, I must now attempt to be "happy" and not let things be suspected. God, I hate the deception."<P>husky, you bear the burden of keeping the marriage together. It isn't fair; he's the one who strayed. You have every right to want to let your feelings show, to vent, fume, forget to shower and dress, down a fifth of vodka, pile his clothes on the front lawn and burn them. But don't!<P>Now you get to see the depths of your strength, courage, and the commitment to your marriage and your children. You will discover strength you didn't know you had.<P>"I found out that he has things at her place that he must get (they belong to me too). He is avoiding it and wants to put off doing it- should I care?! Despite his objections (I did not give him a choice), I set a day and I WILL be with him when we go."<P>Good for you.<P>"Do I let her know before? I do not want to get into any legal problems. Yes he has a key so he has her permission to go into her house but I doubt I do."<P>Can you talk to a lawyer about this? What about asking a peace officer to escort you to her home, for your own protection. By this I mean, if something turns up missing or broken in her house, you would have a credible witness (the sheriff or police officer) to witness that you did nothing improper or destructive. I don't know whether this would be possible; just suggesting an idea.<P>"I am still having trouble understanding why he wants to keep her from more pain? He said he broke it off. "<P>You only have his word for it that he broke it off. Yes, I understand how perplexing it is, when they want to protect the OP from "more pain". The OP had no business doing what they did. Pain is a consequence of adultery.<P>"I read on this site that the betrayer should write a letter (without sentiment)to make the point clear about his intentions. He doesn't want to. I told him he cannot committ 100% to repairing this marriage if he is unwilling (no matter how painful-again I don't care) to do what I ask. When we leave, the letter WILL be on her table!!!! "<P>Good for you. You are right, it IS the only way.<P>"There is the possibility that she may be there. That is a risk I know I have to take. In a lot of ways I do hope she is there."<P>See above, (peace officer.)<P>"I want her to witness the stripping of her world - too vindictive?"<P>WHAT? Perfectly normal. You trying to imitate Mother Teresa? <P>"not take revenge on her" Define "revenge". Stripping her of her married lover? Looking into the face of the woman whose husband she was shtupping? Just desserts.<P>However, violence would not be acceptable, no matter what. <P>" since it was NOT HER FAULT" Huh? How so? Was she in a coma when the affair took place? Does she have a court-appointed guardian or conservator? Is she a minor child? Had she gotten into bed with this man, without first marrying him, under the impression that he was SINGLE? Oh, what silly questions.<P>"I know her and I too am losing a friend - as stupid and crazy as that may sound. Is it wrong to feel sadness for that loss too?"<P>No, you never had a friend. A friend would not have done this to you. But the pain of the loss of who you THOUGHT was a friend but who betrayed you - that is a true loss, one worth grieving.<P>"Why do I have to be so nice about this" Because you are a good and decent person. Think selfishly now. Would any revenge you take cause harm in your own life? Would any revenge you take hurt the children involved? Then you can't do that action. The OW isn't worth harming or destroying your own security and well-being.<P>That doesn't mean you have to lie down and be a doormat. But just don't do anything that you could get arrested for or sued for. Or anything that the kids have to pay the consequences for. <P>Are you religious? It sounds like a cliche, but prayer helps.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thank you form the bottom of my heart!!

Husky,<BR>Im am 6 weeks past the day I found out, and Oh how I feel for you!<BR>I also had a 'post tramatic reaction' which is what you are going through now.<BR>It is a physical reaction to a tramatic experience. Finding out that your husband had an ****** (I'll spare you the word) is a traumatic experience!!!<BR>It is NORMAL to have trouble sleeping or concentrating - it is NORMAL to not feel like eating, it is NORMAL to shake, and have anxiety attacks. <BR>IT IS OK TO LET YOURSELF FEEL THIS WAY - AND AFTER SOME TIME...IT WILL BEGIN TO PASS.<P>As I said, it's been 6 weeks for me, and I am starting to cope a little better. <BR>I can sleep more at night, I'm starting to have more of an appetite, and the anxiety attacks are not as often or intense - hang in there...you have the strength to get to more level ground.<P>As Bellevue said - this is a time to focus on yourself and your children...it is NOT the time to make any important decisions.<BR>The books Bellevue suggested are wonderful - I have found a great deal of comfort in them - they helped me to feel a little sane it the middle of this hurricane.<P>You just go right ahead and do what you need to do to cope...so long as it doesn't pose any danger to anyone.<P>Get closure on the other woman in whatever way you need to...I wrote mine a letter, and made my husband take me to her home to deliver it in person. She was there, and I placed it right in her hands. <BR>It helped - LOTS.<P>Stay strong, and keep posting...we're all in this with you.<BR>God Bless.

I'm about two months beyond D day. I was fortunate that my H's affair ended two months prior to my finding out about it so I didn't have the ending ties thing to deal with. I have been to counselling alone and we are both going together. My counselling sessions help me cope. <P>Some days I feel as if my H and I are getting closer than we have ever been before and others (like today) are not that good. I have read After the Affair and that was helpful too. I have ordered Torn Asunder and can't wait to start it. I now focus a lot on things that I want to do like reading novels. It seems to be the only escape that I have to get some time when I'm not thinking about it. What I would do to have just one day that I don't think about it!<P>Good luck!

Today I wrote a letter to the OW. I wrote it 4 times before I was confident that it said what I wanted. I was positve, but firm, non threatening but to the point. I truly don't think I could have been so objective without the prayers and thoughts of every one who has taken the time to write. I sat my H down and told him what I did. I told him I would not edit it or "play down" anything. I also had him read it since I wanted him to know how I truely feel about her. He read it but had no comment. When I asked, he said there was nothing to say- can you believe it. I told him in the interest to move on and focus on our recovery, I would never bring up her name, or the "incident" again. From now on its Plan A. That was this morning. We drove to her house and left it there. I felt great and revenged. Now I am not so sure. I thought that would work, that it would ease my feeling toward her and I could go forward. My problem now is, he is still acting like nothing has happened. He says he will talk to someone but hasn't. He promised me he would write his letter to her and he hasn't. I told him our son suspected something. He had no comment. When I try to talk he says he has no defense and there is nothing to say- I guess no defense is a good one in his eyes. I guess I want to hear him say he is sorry, remorsefull, and I guess I want to hear him say he is hurting as much. He said he was sorry on D-Day but I truly don't remember I was so out of it. We had intimate contact the first few days after and now nothing. He insists it was not pity s**. It has been almost a week. Is this normal? I wish I had never said I would never mention it again, because now I don't want to go back on my word, but can't let it drop. He said by talking about it I keep dredging up the past and it will hurt the future. He can't see why I need him to talk to me. She contacted him this week (didn't see him left his clothes in his truck at work) He accidentaly said this - didn't offer the info. Now I don't know what to think. This happened before the letter so maybe that will stop her in the future. How do I get him to open up? I am pretending that everything is fine so he will not get upset- last night I tried to talk and he let out a sigh of "not this again" and rolled his eyes, and feigned being tired, but attentive- hmmmm. So I abruptly stopped. Maybe this all just needs a little more time.

Husky Read my story Can a person change after so long. It has taken me now since 12/13 to even begin to think. Keep reading talking and my prays are wioth you.

Dear husky:<P>Did you keep a copy of the letter you wrote? <P>I'm sorry your husband won't talk to you about this, or do the letter writing, or get counseling. But not surprised. The way many people deal with being the infidel is to never deal with it, if you can understand the contradiction.<P>Insisting that he talk to you about this when he's not willing might be seen as a "love buster" but I really understand your need to get it out of your system. It seems they (the betrayers) get all the goodies - the excitement of the affair, the spouse trying exra hard to repair things, and none of the pain of the betrayal. They get to minimize what they did, treat the faithful spouse like a fool or a mental deficient.<P>It isn't fair. Or kind. There was something wrong with your marriage (or with his basic character) which still needs to be addressed. You need to talk about this and get some help. If posting here and "talking" to us falls short, DO get some counseling, and maybe some medication. Not the kind of meds that depress your sex drive; that would not help restoring your marriage.<P>Can you and your H get away for a marriage workshop? You would qualify for Retrovaille, since the affair is over. They don't accept anyone who has an ongoing affair partner.<P>I'm so sorry. Huggs.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Husky,<BR>Have you thought of writing your husband a letter?<BR>This was suggested to me by our therapist as an exercise to help me sort out my feelings, but I decided to have my husband read it when I was through.<BR>I was very honest about ALL that I was feeling, but was careful in how I expressed those feelings. I wanted him to understand when he read it, not get angry or defensive.<BR>It took me hours to write, but it was worth it.<BR>It did hurt him to read it, but it opened a door to conversations that had not been possible before that.<P>It may be worth a try if that's something your comfortable with.<P>Good thoughts and prayers to you.<BR>-Anna

Thank you for your support. Several things have happened since I last wrote. 1. He still won't talk and says my crying, getting med, etc is making him want to leave more.I vowed NEVER to cry in front of him again. 2) I begin counseling next week. He won't come - says he can't get time off work. Tells how much he really is willing to try although he says he wants to. 3) I wrote him a 3 page letter expressing my regrets, hopes, fears and yes even what I am thankful for. He told me yesterday he is still looking for an apartment. That tells me he really is not interested in working this out. He can't be committed to working this out if he isn't even here! I have talked with a really great friend who is now helping me cope (not doing well) with the reality that he may never come back. I still want him here. I start counseling and will begin to establish my own credit, bank account, etc if he should decide to just disappear, I don't want to but I know I must be prepared. I am so mad at him for this. He is throwing away 17 years of marriage because he "doesn't know"! He still has not written her the letter (doubt he will) My letter was delivered and she has not contacted me - I don't know about him. I have resigned myself that I have been defeated and that nothing I say will change his mind. I am so sad about this - I am beyond mad, beyond grief, I am just plain sad!! He tells me he just wants me to smile and be happy. He wants us to be friends - are we in highschool? He just doesn't GET IT!!! What the H*** does he want. He wants to hold me at night to help him remember our past, yet he goes apartment hunting, he doesn't want to hear that I love him - he says he doesn't love me, but yet he gives me kisses. I told him I only want them if he is genuine and not just doing it because he thinks I want him to. At this point I don't, but I won't tell him that. He is so full of mixed messages I don't know what to think, which is why I now must remove myself- for sanity - I will not leave home but emotionally, I feel I must so I can prepare for the worst, yet to do his means I can't rebuild - What do I do, which way do I go. I told him he can't have it both ways so for him its silence is golden. How maddening. I am just so sad.

Dear Husky<P>He sounds like a little boy who can't make up his mind which toy he should play with! It is incredibly selfish of him to have you in this emotional state! <P>Whether he likes it or not, he HAS to make a decision. If it is to find an apartment, well so be it. But he can't have you on this emotional see-saw!! It's barbaric!!<P>For now, there is not much you can do, just keep praying. But he needs to make up his mind. By the way, whatever happened to working things out? My thoughts are that if anyone wants to have another woman, then don't get married in the first place!! <P>I think it's just plain childish the way he is acting. At least he could talk to you about it. I think also the reason that you haven't heard from the OW is maybe because your H told her to disregard your letter. Otherwise, why would he not love you anymore and want to move out? He must be still in love with her and they must probably be planning to move in together.<P>Whatever the outcome, stay neutral. Don't give up, but still don't get your hopes up too high.<P>Good luck.

I think if left to his own wishes, he would make the decision to move out. It's me who doesn't want him to and he is staying out of feelings for the kids. I know if it was just me he'd probably be gone. I told him that I wanted us to go to counseling even if it is to understand this whole mess so we can move forward (together or apart) with closure and understanding about what went wrong so that it never happens again with our marriage or any future relationships. I despirately don't want the marriage to end, but I feel like my life is out of my control and bweing decided for me. I was told I need to "grow up, get a life, move on". My friend says I should just accept the facts, it is clear he doesn't want this. Take a deep breath, re-group and start new -without him. I'm not ready to do this yet -if ever. I truly feel that he is going through a mid-life crisis and he really just doesn't feel good about himself. Recently retired from the military, can't get a job, feeling not good about himself so he starts to question everything. He says that MAY be part of it but he just doesn't love me. Therefore, since my H would not get the time off from work to go to counseling, I changed the day to his day off. He says he will go, but he feels that he is not sure he wants to do this. He thinks I am using this to lure him back and to create a false sense of reality and hope that we will be fine - Hmmm. I had a long talk with him the other night and told him all that I was feeling, what it was about him that is making me mad, sad, etc. As I said before, I resigned myself the fact he may still leave. He says he is looking for a boarding room since if he feels the need to go he has a place to go - its either that, a hotel or "her" place since he couldn't afford anything else. Tell you something?! Am I being a fool? By the time we were done talking he thought that maybe counseling would be okay. He said we haven't really communicated our whole marriage (I think we were in the same one? I thought we communicated well?) He said we may even come away understanding each other a lot better, but he concluded that with even if we don't stay together. I'm at the point now where I don't know if we should pursue this any further. I'm not sure any more. As usual he is saying one thing but body language is telling me something else. I had family this weekend. He acted as if we were happily married, kissed me, etc and showed afffection. I'm left wondering if this is an honest attempt to try (this was a day after our long talk) or if he is just making an appearance. I'm hoping the counselor can help me sort his out.

I think you should definitely continue your plan of marriage counseling. But it sounds as if your husband is still in the fog and is still carrying on his affair. You can't work on your marriage by LEAVING. Usually, when the spouse says they are leaving and taking time for themselves to see what they want, in CHEATERS DICTIONARY, it means, I AM LEAVING TO SPEND TIME WITH OP AND THAT WAY I WON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT CHEATING ON SPOUSE AND I CAN SEE WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE AS IF I AM SINGLE TO DO/SEE WHO/WHAT EVER I WANT, but they still keep a carrot dangling in the spouses face by denying still having contact with OP incase they decide to come home. It sounds like your Husband is in a deep fog and may still be DEEP in the affair. JMO