This is my first time here...I'm so depressed. I have no other place or friend to talk to ...<BR>We've been married for 5 yrs. She was my first girlfriend and I was the same to her. We love each other very much. I never thought she would cheated on me. It all happened early last year, when I wanted to take her out for B-day but instead she went out with her ex-co-worker and told me to wait next day. I was mad and pissed. I didn't recognize her B-Day the year before last. So this year, I wanted to make it up but she refused. This was the start of her affair. She came home late and let me eat dinner by myself. Meanwhile, she stills called the OM and AIM with him thru her work. When I asked her what's going on, she said she was only friend to him. She bought him a gift for his B-Day and gave him a farewell card when he left her company. I was mad and couldn't get thru her, so I started to move out but I was just testing her to see if she really cares for me or not. Unfortunatly, she didn't! She didn't even ask me to come back home.<P>A few weeks later, I asked her out and asked her to come home to spend a romatic day together. She said 'No'. She's busy. So then we parted, and I followed her home. Instead of coming home, she went to see the OM. I went home and waited for her but she didn't show up til 1 in the morning. Guess what happened?! She went to sleep with the OM. I was so angry, devasted, mad, hurt! You name it. I was totally out of control but I didn't abuse her. I told her I forgive her and let start the family again as long as she doesn't see the OM anymore. She promised and said she'll change and will not do it again. <P>A mos later, I found out she stills see him 2 times for dinner. She said she didn't sleep with him but just had dinner with him. I was angry and pissed again. This time, I totally move all my stuff out and never ever want to see her again. I told myself that our relationship is over and I will never forgive her. I hate her.<P>To add on top of this, a mos later, she was pregnant. Could it be my child or OM child who knows? She said it was my child. I told her to get an abortion. I'm not responsible for it. I didn't accept that the baby was my baby. Nine mos later, the baby delivered and the DNA proved that I was the father. I didn't want to accept it. I hate her for keeping the baby and for making my life miserable. <P>She knows her mistake and was on her knees begging me to forgive her. I just can't. The hatred and evil that inside of me can't forgive her. I don't have unconditional love for her. She hurts me so much. I trusted her and she was my only friend. The only person I depend my life upon. How could she do this to me? I couldn't sleep, studied, or eat. It was like my life is over when I found out the affair. She said she loves me and wanted me back in her life but I don't believe her...I think she wants me back because of the baby. The baby doesn't have the father so that's why she wanted someone to be the father. As far as I'm concer, who knows she's probably still seeing the OM eventhough she said she didn't!. I've filed for divorce already and wants nothing to her or the baby at all. I'm done with her...I hate her. I want to stay away from her as far as I can. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Please give me some advice. I'm just so mad and angry at her. I want her to learn her lesson.<P>

Nk:<P>I'm so sorry for your pain. Your wife certainly did you wrong. And it may be too late to repair things. But if your really believed THAT, you wouldn't be posting here.<P>Go and read the article about Emotional Needs on this site. You can see whether you were meeting your wife's needs back before she got involved with the other man. <P>A lot of damage has been done, and hurt on both sides. Would you consider talking to the Harleys, who put this site up? So many people in your same situation have done this, and have improved their marriages.<P>Understandably, you are hurt, you feel betrayed (you HAVE been betrayed of course,) and you feel resentment. It was a long wait to find out whether the child your wife was carrying was yours or her lover's. How unfair to you. <P>So, you are right about so many things. And you want her to suffer. That's only human. But you can be RIGHT and divorced. And then what have you got? No wife, no family, and probably court ordered child support to boot (for the child whose DNA matches your own.)<P>So. Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be married? Get some counseling. It could help you deal with the pain. It could help you and your wife to love each other again.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Do you have the right to feel hurt? Yes<P>Are your current actions right? NO<P>Most people on this forum would love to have a WS want to restore the marriage. This is the first step for true recovery. <P>You are very angry and hurt. You need to work this out. Your cannot keep feelings like this forever, it will ruin your life. You have been keeping score, keeping track of every hurtfull things she has done to you. The one thing I see missing is what have YOU done to place your marriage on the rocks like this. Your wife has made a big mistake, but you can not stand back and act like you were perfect. You will find that you can forgive her if you take the time to stand in her shoes. A is in most cases the side effect of a bad marriage. <P>Go to counseling, communicate. LEARN. Currently you are angry and want to hurt her. This is normal. Now is the time to be the MAN of the family and to do what is right, not what we feel. Acting on her feelings lead to a mistake, you acting on yours is destroying what was left. <P>Take a minute and place yourself in her shoes. Look at old pictures, remember what made you fall in love with her. What made you ask her to marry you. That person is still their. <P>You currently don't trust her. You have that right. Trust can be rebuilt. Start dating her again. Take some time and try to rebuild your marriage. You have known your wife for over 5 years. You know her good habits and bad. You know the whole picture. If you think walking away and starting over is easier, better stop and think about it. First of all, there is no perfect women out there that you will meet and live happy ever after with. You may find a nother women and see her good side, but over time you will finish the picture by learning her bad side also. You all ready know this with you current wife. Second, you have a child. This is your child. This child needs a father, dad. Your wife will be a part of your life forever because of this child. Running is not the answer. If you plan on running and not living up to your responsibility, than I would have no respect for you as a human. Your wife made a mistake, why should you that take it out on a child. How would your life be different if you grew up without your father. ( I am assuming you did grow up with one)<P>Marriage is not easy, never has been and never will be. Sure your marriage is at the edge of a cliff, but now is the time to restore it and make it the type of marriage that last for 50+ years. You have a better chance of having a happy marriage and life with your current wife than you would leaving and trying to start a new life. <P>

Thanks everyone who replied. I deeply appreciated the suggestion.<P>Hubby- I was touched by reading your post. I was in tears. what you said was exactly true and correct. You said and laid out everything perfefctly. Thanks very much. <P>nk