I am trying to figure out the best way introduce my wife to the concepts here. What would you suggest to be the best way to do that? I found out about her affair last aug, she went to some individual counceling and quit going after about 3 sessions. She has not been open at all to us going to counceling together, but I must do something to reach her to better our marriage. I do not want to seem pushy, but do not want sit on my hands anymore waiting, cuz the same old patterns start to appear and I don't want to go through this again. I have printed out two emotional needs questionnaires for us to fill out and exchange, is that a good way to start?? thanks for any help you can offer.<P>

P&B, is your W still having the A?? First, I'd recommend reading SAA and HNHN by Dr. Harley - these books have helped my H and I a lot.<P>The EN questionnaire is a great place to start, but I think counseling is a must. Maybe you can convince your W to try it again.<P>It's so hard when one spouse wants to try to save the marriage and the other one seems resistant. Don't nag her, but keep trying to reach out to her. I'm a former WS, and I'm so glad my H believed enough in me and our marriage to save it. I wish the same for you and your W.

Is wife still having an affair? well... I dunno. definately has contact with him every day, they share an office at work. Let me give you a little backround and maybe you can tell me if you think it is still going on. We married in 94, we met at work and still work at the same place. Our marriage was good for the fist year or so, then it started taking a dive. They shared a common interest and started going to activitied together at least twice a week. I noticed that she was not communicating with me and treating me with little respect, and downright meanness towards me. I tried to find out how she was feeling and what was wrong, but she would not open up to me. I told her I thought she was getting too close to this guy and she got all defesive adn said I can't tell her who her friends can be. this went on like this for a few years, I was getting tired of being treated like dirt and not being told why. She got pregnant in our 4th year of marriage, things got worse, I confronted her again, asked her if she still loved me, she said sometimes, that felt bad. I hoped this bad time was hormones with the pregnancy and waited until after our daughter was born to try to find out what was going on. Again I asked if she still loved me and she said she only had enough love for the baby, I was crushed. I would come home from work during the day and find him in my house with my wife alone with our new daughter, I was very upset, I out right asked her if she had sex with him, she denied it saying they are only friends, I tried to make it clear to her that I felt unloved by her, rejected by her, and pleaded for her to tell me what was wrong and how we can fix it. I always got an answer like, I don't know why, I am not happy, I would ask her why she was not happy, she would say I don't know, What do you want, dear? I don't know. Every answer to my questions were I don't know. That drove and still drives me nuts. Last summer we found out we had a family of mice born somewhere in our house, my wife is terrified of mice, ordered me to search for the nest and get rid of all of them, well i was looking in her closet and in one of her 1000 shoe boxes i found a bunch of cards and letters from him to her on how much he loves her and loves the time we spend together and a bunch more mushy crap. My deepest fears had come true, she has been cheating on my. One card that disturbed me the most was from him to our daughter as a from daddy card. Now there was a question as to if this was my child or his. Needless to say I was about ready to explode. I went to a close friends house and showed them the material i found to confirm that I should be this upset. I confronted her at their house and she confessed that they had sex once at his appartment, she was very unhappy, his father was dying and they were very drunk. She assured me that it was my child, but she could not give me the time period that they had sex. She said she was sorry, I got on my knees and told her I forgave her, and that i love her and promised to get her help, cuz she said it was her and not me and that she is messed up. Well, it has been 7 months and she has gotten very little help, she still has contact with this guy, who I also see once in a while at work, that is always a nice reminder to see his face, I can't stand it. I have asked her to change offices but she will not, saying that would cause problems with other people who already have arrangements with other office mates. The last time we were intemate was when we consived our daughter. NO kissing or huging or any kind of affection for me. But i am expected to be this 24 hour maintenance man, and contruction worker on our house, she loved to decorate and do home fix up projects. I was really ticked when she came home with one of his tools to borrow for us to use, I told her I would not use it and that we do not need anything from him. I must stop now cuz i am ranting and upset. sorryasjodhfk;j

Your story is really heartbreaking. First I would not believe anything that your wife has told you. I would doubt they had sex only one time. You should have testing done to determine if it is your child. You simply cannot believe anything she says. Second, it is unbelievable that she is still working with this guy together sharing an office. She is totally insensitive and totally disrespectful to you. You will never get your marriage back on track if she works closely and is contact with him. The chances are great that the affair is continuing. It really sounds like you do not have much of a marriage now. If she is allowed to work together and share an office with this guy on a daily basis then you really do not have much hope. If she will not sever contact then you need to think of your future with or without her. Good Luck.

P&B, I have to agree with Bryan on this one. I'd definitely have a paternity test done for your own peace of mind. I'd say the A is still going on. Your W must have NO CONTACT with OM . . . EVER. Is it possible for her to change jobs? If you haven't already, please read SAA by Dr. Harley.<P>I behaved just like your W is doing. I was distant, cold and downright nasty to my H. When my H finally discovered the A, it was a great relief. I snapped out of it and realized what I'd been doing and wasn't very proud of myself. I can tell you that I'd never even THINK of contacting my former OM - it would seriously hinder the rebuilding of our marriage.<P>I'm so sorry you're hurting. {{{BIG HUG}}}}

So sorry for your pain. Yes, the affair is probably still ongoing. Your wife's actions and statements sound a lot like my H's (WS) who has had a several years' long EA with a coworker. I won't repeat the history here; this is your thread. <P>She is in The Fog. Have you read the articles on this site? The ones that deal with how affairs begin, how they should end? Is the OM married, and if so, does his W know about the affair?<P>Your marriage is in bad trouble. It is a non-marriage. Your W is not interested in saving it; only in keeping the status quo for the time being. When a spouse tells their H/W that their friendships are none of their business and they will conduct them the way they see fit, they disregard the feelings of the H/W. This is what happened with us. <P>Can you afford a $95 session with one of the Harleys? If so, take notes while you talk to them.<P>As for introducing your W to the concepts here, hold off unless you have talked to the Harleys first. It might be seen as an "attempt to educate her" which is not good. <P>Read Plan A and Plan B and work on yourself. You are already doing that, most likely. It is going to be very hard. Again, so sorry.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

P&B,<P>I concur with what everyone has said. But I will be more blunt. You are only married in the eyes of your church now. She hasn't been a wife to you for a long time. I would first determine if the child is yours. I am not sure you should even tell her you are doing this, but I guess for the sake of honesty you should.<P>Then if it is found that the child is not yours, then I would head for the lawyers office that day. You see even if it isn't yours you well be considered the father and forced to pay child support until this poor child is 18. You only have a certain window of time to prove that you are not the father.<P>This brings me to the child. Your W has seen to it that your(?) child will be brought up in the worst of circumstances: a home without love. You need to do your best to get your W to leave this job. If she doesn't then there is no hope for your marriage in my opinion. Even if she finally wakes up and stops the affair (it is still going on, from all that you have said; emotionally if not physically) the marriage has little chance of recovery if she doesn't separate from him.<P>The worst part is that she has been "married" to him longer than she has been MARRIED to you. This affair is a long standing one and the length of time is apparently comparable to the length of your marriage.<P>P&B you have a hard row to hoe, but first find out where you are. Make sure you are the father of this child, then start to make plans from there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

thanks for all of your responses. <P>Bryanp: yea I don't believe they only did it once either. We talked about getting the test done to see if it is my child, she was totaly against it saying she would hold it against me if I did that. I thought that was nice of her since I forgave her after I found out about the affair. I told her I would not do the test for two reasons, one, I thougt she would snap out of it and things would get better, kinda like you did Susie7753, two, even if it was not my biological child, I would still be responsible for her untill she was 18 according to my state law because she was older that 18 months. So my reasoning, wheather right or wrong was to not go that route cuz it would cause more strain in our family, and that is the last thing I wanted.<P>Bellevue, if it was $950 I would do it, how do I make that happen?<P>Changing jobs: I have strongly suggested that but she always says we can't afford for her to do that cuz she cannot make as much money somewhere else in the field she is in. I know we can afford it, and have told her so, but she is a spend money girl, she was in consumer credit counceling when I met her. I took her years before anyone would give her a credit card. So, she is just unwilling to change her spending habits, which has been a problem in our marriage also. She always has a reason not to change offices or jobs.<P>Bellevue, i have read some articles here, it is hard cuz I am affraid to access this site at home, and only do so from work, I work at the same company she and he does. I will start with the articles you suggested.<P>Divorce is totally against all of my moral fiber, and by core beliefs. Divorce would tear me apart, and worse would hurt my little girl even more. But, it is hard not to consider it for the situation I am in and if my W keeps the same attitde. I am willing to try everyting before resorting to Divorce.<P>we are currently looking to buy a new house and sell our current one. Based on how things go with the Harlys, I might stop this process soon. More and bigger debt only justifies her staying in her current job.<P>Couple of other things, I confided in her sister over the years and told her most everything that was going on in our marriage. She is married with two boys in a strong christian relationship. After I found out about the A my wife told me I was not longer allowed to talk to her sister about anything, or she would leave me and take the baby, and that this was non negotiable. Well, I was driving the car at the time and almost wrecked, here she is two weeks after I found out give me orders about who I can and cannot talk to. Did she not recall I requested years back that she not get so close to this guy and what her reaction to that was? What a double standard, hypocritical thing to do.<P>Susie, thanks for the big hug, i needed that.<P>Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4<P>[This message has been edited by porkandbeans (edited March 09, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by porkandbeans (edited March 09, 2001).]