How could someone you love hurt you so deeply? We have had our ups and downs in our almost 3 years of marriage but we've managed until now. I just found out he was seeing someone for 6 months last year. I had no idea at the time but the other night I accidentally came across his hotmail e-mail account he didn't close out....I thought it was mine that I had left open because I didn't know he had one...Well there were pictures the OW sent him and a love letter to him talking about when she could get off work and they could plan a meeting. I was so shook up...I made copies and faced him that night. He admitted to the affair but that it was over....a mutual agreement after 6 months of seeing one another. All I ever wanted when I got married was a Christian loving marraige. I took my vowes and have been faithful to them but he broke them and my heart. He always says I am so precious to him BUT how could this be....he committed ADULTRY!! I know I have my faults but nothing I feel compares to this. He told me before we got married he had a problem with lust, pride and anger....I experienced it all in our 3 years of marriage now. I never thought the lust would come between us. I can only pray that eventually I can forgive him. He wants to work things out and so do I but I have been having a real problem dealing with his sin against me and want to cause him the pain he has caused me. I really need some hope that time will help heal the hurt and that we can move on and save our marriage. Please respond if you have gone through the same situation or are going through a similar situation. I would appreciate some advice and just to talk....Thanks Sorry so long <P>------------------<BR>Pray for him, me and us, please...

Welcome <B>6unfaithfulmonthsHURTS</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It's hard to let go of the pain some time... but it's important to do so.<P>Check out...<BR><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You're not alone...<BR>...and a big advantage in your case...<BR>...is that the affair is over.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thanks Jim...<BR>I have a question....Should I keep asking him questions about the affair? I guess what I am trying to do is understand why he did this to us and me. He has answered a few questions but now is refusing to dwell on it because it is over. He says I am only hurting myself by asking him things. I see his point but I keep thinking if I ask him questions it will help me understand why. He says he is so sorry it happened and that I am going through this pain and that he loves me and only wants me....Do I believe him? He has lied to me or told half truths when he took a trip last year to see her. Oh I am hurting so much I don't know what to believe. I thought this would never happen to me...gee guess I was wrong. God this hurts!! I hope in time the pain will lessen but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him and I know I won't forget. I do have the book His needs, Her needs...that will be my reading for now but thanks to you Jim I now have other readings I want to get. I hope he will read them with me. Thanks for listening. <P>------------------<BR>Pray for him, me and us, please...

You have a need to find out...<BR>...most of the explanations are quite simple and can be found in most the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>!<P>How about limiting your questions to a few at a time...<BR>...and have him write the answers when he's ready!<BR>...his writing itself may be a bit theraputic...<BR>...if he's not overly pressured to do so.<P>Patience my dear...<BR>...lots of patience.<P> <P>Jim

Sorry for your pain. I found out about my H's affair 2 months ago. Hotmail account as well and it was over 3 months before I found out. The pain does get better, if you let it. Right now I think my H is having more trouble with the guilt than I am having with the pain. I think that's why they don't like to talk about it.<P>Good luck.

You are going to be okay. I know that right now it doesn't seem that you will ever feel okay or normal again, but there will come a day in the next weeks or months when you will suddenly realize that you really feel normal again...that you are happy in spite of what has happened here.<P>My husband and I celebrated the 3 year mark of our new marriage 2 weeks ago. Yes, we celebrated the day that I found out about his affair and it ended. We weren't celebrating the news or the pain, we were celebrating what God has done for us and the relationship we have now. So, I can tell you from experience that restoration is possible.<P>First, let me suggest my favorite book on marriage restoration. It is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and it is well written and scripturally sound. It has great information for both you and your husband. I also found good information in After the Affair by Janis Spring.<P>Your need to ask questions and your husband's desire not to talk about it any more are both normal. If he is truly remorseful, he wants to forget this ever happened. You, on the other hand are new to the information and are trying desperately to understand how he could make such a hurtful and stupid decision. The problem is that what you both want is not going to happen. You can't just "move on"...there is work to be done and lots of talking to do. But neither can you ever get enough information to help you understand your husband's affair. There are plenty of issues that play a part, but his choice to have an affair was senseless and you will never get enough pieces of the puzzle to build a picture that will make sense.<P>I strongly encourage you to get into counseling asap. If your husband won't go with you, then go alone...but don't waste any time. I urge you to seek out a certified marriage and family therapist...someone who has a commitment to marriage and will help you in your efforts to rebuild. I also believe your husband needs individual therapy for the problems he has with lust and anger. These are things that will continue to be dangerous both to him and your marriage if he doesn't get the right kind of help.<P>For now, slow down, take some deep breaths and try to focus. The situation is very new and raw for both of you. Eat small meals and rest when you can. Loss of appetite and inability to sleep are normal reactions to the revelation of an affair....they do improve in a few days or weeks. Do some reading and begin counseling. I encourge you to seek a closer relationship with God as well. A good devotion book is Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby and I also like the One Year Bible (New Living Edition). If you don't have a church home, begin looking for one this Sunday. If you do, consider talking with your pastor or a trusted friend just to ask for prayer....your counseling needs to come from someone trained in the area.<P>Marriages can not only survive an affair, but can thrive afterwards. Not because of the affair, but because of the commitment of the spouses to restoration. I also believe that God is the most important part of the solution.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

6 - <P>I wanted to interject a little something. As a man, and a Christian man, I know all too well that lust is something that all men struggle with and those who say they don't must be lying. Actually I am sure there are some guys who don't have problems with lust but I have never met any. <P>God built men to be turned on by sight and if you are a Christian man the spiritual battle gets really heated and Satan starts throwing every beautiful woman in front of you as soon as you make the decision to be chaste in your mind. I have to almost recommit everyday to having a pure mind in order to beat it. Just today I felt like Satan was throwing all the beautiful women he could find in my path. And the battle gets tiring. Very tiring. So, it really helps to have other Christian men to share in the struggle and draw strength from. But that can be hard to find though.<P>But I would find it difficult to believe that a man would have an affair based on lust alone. Lust, marriage and loneliness are so intertwined that we (men) don't know where the layers are separated. I know I can't always but I know they are all working together. And so does Satan. He knows that I lust or am tempted to. And he knows I get lonely. And he is the accuser right? So he accuses my wife of all kinds of evil and whispers in my ear that I NEED another woman to fulfill my desires. Well, that is just the way it is and that is Satan's job. We as Christians can't ignore this problem because it is war and Satan is winning and it is costing lots of lives and creating lots of heartache. <P>Good marriages don't happen while we put them on auto-pilot. Because Satan is not doing the 'auto-pilot' thing. 1 Peter 5:8 says he is "prowling around seeking a victim to devour." <P>It does break my heart to hear your pain and you have every right to hurt. I will certainly pray for you both that God will reveal the sources for his affair and healing can begin.<p>[This message has been edited by Dogbert (edited March 08, 2001).]

Dogbert,<P>I would be extremely careful about generalizing that "ALL" MEN" are locked in this struggle with lust. Sounds like an oversimplification to me , and actually more like a easy and self-serving rationalization a man could use to justify his own infidelity. And you speak to it like all men are just a hair away from cheating because God made us 'that way'?<P>I know lots and lots of men who fantasize but don't use that as an excuse to cheat on their wives. That old 'the devil made me do it' bit went out with the Flip Wilson show.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NeverAgain:<BR><B>That old 'the devil made me do it' bit went out with the Flip Wilson show. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Listen, my theology is much deeper than that and I am certainly not naive enough to swallow such philosophy.<P>

While agree that lust is something that more men that not deal with, I have to say disagree with the belief that lust isn't the source of an affair. I believe some men are so consumed by lust that it is definitely the source of their unfaithfulness. This isn't an insurmountable problem, but definitely something that requires professional and spiritual intervention. For the mature man, and especially for the mature Christian man, lust may be a temptation, but not something that he struggles with on a regular basis. That man knows the danger of lust and he makes a concious effort to recognize it and turn from it.<P><P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HGBrawner:<BR><B>For the mature man, and especially for the mature Christian man, lust may be a temptation, but not something that he struggles with on a regular basis. That man knows the danger of lust and he makes a concious effort to recognize it and turn from it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Boy is that incorrect. But hey to each his own. I guess when Paul talked about such things in Romans 7 he was just talking about the occasional temptation to sin. Surely he was too mature to struggle mightily with sin.<P><BR>But let's not hijack her thread okay?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dogbert (edited March 09, 2001).]

Dogbert,<P>My wife cheated with a bible thumper who drew her in under the pretext of being a 'christian counselor'. What you espouse is the kind of crap he used. But hey, more power to you

Thanks everyone for listening...I know that lust wasn't the only problem...but it is a problem with my H and he has admitted that. He has agreed to go to counseling with me and for each of us to get counseling on our own. We will choose a Christian marriage councelor to help us grow from this devasting experience. He is suffering with guilt and I am from the hurt. I thank everyone who responded and mentioned the wonderful books that help you through...special thanks to HGBrawner and all the books you mentioned that helped you. I hope as time goes by the pain lessens and we can make our marriage better. I am happy I found this forum. God Bless!<P><BR>------------------<BR>Pray for him, me and us, please...<p>[This message has been edited by 6unfaithfulmonthsHURTS (edited March 09, 2001).]

Well I guess we tried to hard to soon...Last night I had envelopes of things to do for my h to open....restuarant to go to, affections, recreational outing, etc.....Well we went to dinner and then to a movie.....it's after the movie when we were driving home that the anger hit me again and I let my feelings and questions be know to him....ugh!! He even said I guess we shouldn't try to romance each other until I heal....UGH this is so hard. We were having such a good time. We came back home and said a prayer together and then he held me for the longest of time and then we layed in each others arms and went to sleep. God how I wish all this never happened or that I never found out. He said he was going to take it to his grave. He never wanted to hurt me. I am very thankful the A is over but I have a long way to go before I heal. Has anyone else dealt with the desire to be affectionate again but having bouts of anger that you don't know if it's possible? I know we tried too soon but I guess there is atleast hope that we both want our marriage to work. I do love my h very much...I guess we just need time. Thanks for listening....

What you experienced is part of the process. Most of the wounded spouses here will tell you that their emotions swung from extreme anger to extreme passion in just a matter of minutes. It can drive both of you crazy if you don't understand that it is just part of the process.<P>It sounds to me like you both handled it quite well. Your husband prayed with you and held you....both things that helped both of you. You will probably find that the closeness of those moments is a big part of the glue that repairs your marriage. That is unconditional love....loving someone in spite of their behavior.<P>It may not help a lot to know you are normal....most people want to be outside the norm and not experience these crazy mood swings. But reality is that this is normal and something you both need to endure. The more he accepts those mood swings and responds appropriately, the smoother they will become and the farther apart they will be.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Hello, <BR>To answer is anyone dealing with mood swings...I found out about 6 PA's 2 and an half months ago. I suprise myself with the anger that comes out. We are not able to do anything together that doesn't end in a fight. He is very defensive and wants me to meet him half way. I'm so angry that that is asking too much. I feel good that I'm allowing him to live in the same house. I don't care if he says he loves me. If that is love....

Thanks HGBrawner...We are going to take it one day at a time. We are reading together His Needs, Her Needs and we took the EN response together and then talked about it. We both learned a little more about each other. Too bad it took his affair for us to find this information but we are both willing to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will heal so that we can put that romance/passion back into our marriage. <P>To Artsy....I am so sorry...I'm only having to live through one A...I pray that the two of you will seek couseling...if he doesn't then you should so you can help yourself. It sounds like he has a real problem and needs help. God Bless you both.

There is something to be said about trying to make it all right too soon. After I found out about my Husband's A, I asked him to leave our home. Good move? I don't know, I only know that healing on my part will be a lot easier if we can both reflect and concentrate on the changes that will need to take place. He doesn't understand why he has to live away from us to do this, actually he's only living in the house next door. But still, it's enough for me. I believe that your husband owes it to you to tell you as much as you need to know. I say Need, because there are some things that are better off not known. But only you can decide what you can handle. It is not his choice, it is yours, yes it appears to make healing more difficult but in the long run unanswered questions will only haunt you. It is much easier to face our demons if we know what they look like.

I have the same question. How much conversation is too much conversation? Some times I feel sorry for hubby (WS) and just want to give him a break. Weekends are especially difficult. It's only been five weeks, and he's tried to be accommodating. I just don't want to push him too far.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by k9love:<BR><B> There is something to be said about trying to make it all right too soon. After I found out about my Husband's A, I asked him to leave our home. Good move? I don't know, I only know that healing on my part will be a lot easier if we can both reflect and concentrate on the changes that will need to take place. He doesn't understand why he has to live away from us to do this, actually he's only living in the house next door. But still, it's enough for me. I believe that your husband owes it to you to tell you as much as you need to know. I say Need, because there are some things that are better off not known. But only you can decide what you can handle. It is not his choice, it is yours, yes it appears to make healing more difficult but in the long run unanswered questions will only haunt you. It is much easier to face our demons if we know what they look like. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

6unfaithfulmonthsHURTS:<P>My Dday was March 6th. My H had an A for six months last year and he just finally confessed on March 6th. I knew nothing! It was with a coworker. Yes, it does hurt. You will feel bad. It's been such a short time for me but I know I am starting to feel better. I am crying less and trying to focus on our marriage. <P>You need to dissect the A...Ask him the questions you want to ask him. My H answered every single one and yes sometimes his answers hurt but his being honest has shown me he is being totally open and honest. Something you need to have in the relationship if it is to move forward.<P>It does hurt... I think about the times he was with OW and then would come home and KISS ME!!! How could he do that??<BR>He told me he did compartmentalize (something I read in the books). He would be with her and then shut her out of his mind and come home to me. Then, when he was with her he would shut me out of his mind>>>>> That hurts!!<P>Stay strong....do lots of reading. I've read His Needs Her Needs, Infidelity, Surviving the Affair and am currently reading AFTER THE AFFAIR (one of the best books I've read so far). Read and have your H read them also. This is strengthening our marriage and hopefully AFFAIR PROOFING it so it never happens again.<P>TAKE CARE, STAY STRONG, DO GOOD THINGS FOR YOURSELF, GIVE YOURSELF TIME, YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!<P>SHOCKER17<P>P.S. I was married for 17 years and then my H had the<BR> affair!!! So being married awhile doesn't mean<BR> your out of the woods...you never are!!!<P>